Why I'll Never Leave My Husband as an Openly Gay Woman

I was in sixth grade the first time I had feelings for another girl. I remember particularly because of the moment I realized it. We were best friends, but there was something different about her. One night in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about her but I was not sure why. I realized it when I started losing sleep over her. So, as we do in sixth grade, I wrote her a note. It started with an apology for how I felt. The vulnerability was tangible as I explained my feelings and how I had no clue why they wouldn't go away. But she was beautiful. And funny. And smart. And she said yes. As most sixth grade relationships go, we didn't last long. I was just thankful to have met her.

Seven years later I met Colin. On our first date he took me to a park with a wooden castle. He had a friend place flowers at the very top. When we got up there and I found them, he kissed me. It was awkward, and a little off-putting, but I kissed him back. We stayed there until nighttime. I was 18 and had nowhere better to be. Then, a security guard came by and shined a flashlight into the castle. Colin told me to stay quiet. I had never been in trouble before and I was terrified, but somehow that security guard did not see us, and he locked the fence. He locked the eight feet tall fence with curved in posts on us and we were stuck (or so I thought). I was five feet tall and 140lbs at that time. I wasn't getting over that fence, and I was convinced Colin was leaving when he did. Instead, he flipped over an empty garbage can, jumped the fence, and walked out of view. I wasn't tall enough to scale it like he did, so I sat there at his mercy completely until he returned with another empty garbage can. He flipped one over on the other side and helped me to climb the metal prison. On our second date, at the same location, he asked when I was moving in. Just a few days later we were living together and nothing could stop us. Three years later, we were married. I loved him more than I could say.

In 2015 our daughter, Hannah Clove, made her appearance. As with most new parents, we were both terrified and overjoyed. The world had given us this 4lbs 9.5oz baby and had allowed us to take her home. But we did our best, and Colin with right there changing diapers, feeding her, and getting up in the middle of the night just as much as me.

We were, and still are, a very liberal family. We believe in BLM, rights for refugees, and LGBTQ+ rights. From the beginning, we had both admitted to each other that we were bisexual. It was different being with a bisexual man than it was for men to find out about me. Men thought it was sexy to be with a bisexual woman, which feels gross and wrong to be honest. I'm not looking for a threesome; I'm expressing myself openly to you. Previous girlfriends had been upset with him for who he was, and he had felt ashamed. Yet, he was just Colin to me. I loved him, and I didn't need to know anything else. And nobody else needed to know about us.

However, as the years passed, I remember my friends talking about how hot they thought certain men were. I was so focused on Colin for so long that I really hadn't looked at another man or woman that way in a long time. But when they pulled up these photos of men, I found myself feeling nothing. Eventually, I was repulsed. No matter where you are on the spectrum, penises are ugly. Most women still enjoy them sexually, but we cannot pretend these things look sexy. It eventually got to where I lost all sex drive, became disgusted with men, and it began to impact our marriage.

In early 2021 there was a huge debate about LGBTQ+ rights on Facebook. I remember being shocked that in 2021 we were still having this discussion. After one too many family members and friends spoke negatively against these beliefs, I posted something that changed our lives forever.

I was sick of holding back and pretending to be something I wasn't. I wasn't straight. I wasn't bisexual. I was gay, and I could finally admit that to myself. The people I expected to be supportive were. They cheered me on and tried to call out anyone who said anything negative, but those people who were against LGBTQ+ rights were nothing but radio silence. I told my mother after holding it in until I was 30, and I received a much different response than I had assumed all those years. She was so supportive and kind. I had always thought she would no longer accept me as a part of the family. She's not homophobic at all, but you just never expect much good when you're different from everyone else.

I remember dealing with a lot of depression still, as I was conflicted with my situation. My husband is a good person. He is always there for me. He always will be there for me. I can text or call him just to bitch about my day and he's right there egging me on while talking shit about whoever crossed me. My husband cooks, he cleans, he does nice things for us as a family. He works two jobs. Most importantly, he's such an incredible father. I don't care what could potentially happen in the future, I will never say he wasn't a good dad. Our daughter is obsessed with him. She is a daddy's girl like I have never seen.

I started going to counseling when the depression got really bad. I still haven't told my mom or most of my friends most of the details, but counseling really is a life saver. My counselor, also a gay woman, helped me to realize that I don't need to know one hundred percent of who I am at just thirty years old.

I'll never leave my husband even though I'll never be with another man. The attraction isn't exactly the same as before, but I don't love him any less.

I know people are curious, so here are the questions we get asked the most.

What sexual orientation do you most identify with?

A: Gay. I'm not attracted to men. I know my husband so intimately that he's a bit of an "only exception" but I still do not quite have a sex drive that makes me seek out the male form.

Is he ok with this?

A: Yes, even though it's not up to him to be ok with. I am who I am, unapologetically.

Don't you think you fit better with another orientation (bi, pan, etc.?)

A: No. I do not identify with any of those, and I do not fit the definition of them.

He's bisexual? Does he ever need the attention of another man? Do you need the attention of another woman?

A: First of all, being gay or bisexual does not make you a cheater. However, there has been infidelity in our past that had to be worked through and we came out of it better than ever. Of course we still find other people attractive, but no. We do not seek other men or women out.

It seems like this is for attention.

A: Yes, living in a red state and questioning your sexuality is most definitely a logical way to want to live. Love is love. We can't help who we are, and we don't need to be scrutinized because we picked a flavor other than vanilla. It's not about attention. It's about living your truth.

What if he wants sex?

A: Then it's up to me whether I do that or not. I love my husband and I want him to feel satisfied. My sexuality is not a death sentence for his libido since I am choosing to stay in this marriage. I ultimately want my husband to be happy. I don't recommend this path unless you feel a very specific way like I do, though. Never force yourself out of your comfort zone.

What about your child? Are you only staying together for her?

A: Yes and no. We are still together because we love our lives as a family. We still love each other. Love isn't always physical intimacy. Marriage is so rigidly packed into this one suitcase that we feel it has to hold all of our belongings. But it doesn't. I can love my husband for who he is without needing anything else. I can't wait for us to experience more travel and fun as a family. My daughter gets to see a mom and dad who love each other, and she doesn't need to know anything else. We do, however, teach her that not every family is like ours. She knows some of her friends are children single parents and gay parents, and she is taught to love and respect them just the same.

Are you attracted to him? If you're gay, how?

A: I don't know how, but yes. I think it's the length of time we have been together (almost 12 years) mixed in with him having a feminine side from being a bisexual male. He's very in touch with his feelings and I can't see my life without him being there. As far as in the bedroom, my physical preference is different than his, but we make it work. It's done with a ton of communication, patience, and understanding.

What if either of you meet someone?

A: We are not actively seeking other partners. As stated previously, we have no plans to get divorced. We're not unhappy and my depression stems from my own sexuality, not our marriage or our bond.

Are you lying to yourself?

A: No. I would really be devastated without him. Twelve years is a long time to bond and grow together. He supports my goals and I support his. We have no clue what the future holds, but as of right now we are happy and have no plans to dissolve our lives together.

If you have more questions, we are always willing to answer them!

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All photos used in this story are mine personally or from no attribution needed sources from pexels.com