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Why can't I just be a writer?

My struggle to translate brain to paper

By Ashleigh RileyPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Why can't I just be a writer?
Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

In my heart- I've always pictured myself as a story-teller...a 'writer'...but when I sit down and put my pen to paper, I never seem to be able to formulate anything worth being proud of. I have SO many ideas, and storylines, and plots, and characters just swimming around in my brain, but there's something stopping those imageries from reaching my fingertips.

How do I release this block on my inner creativity?

I've always been someone who has a hard time waiting for things. I read each Harry Potter book in its entirety...holed up in a room for 8-9 hours straight, stopping only for short bathroom breaks and snacks as I soaked the words in. I couldn't read a chapter, then put the book down to return to at a later time. I had to finish the whole story at once. I HAD to know what happened RIGHT THEN. I would absolutely combust if I didn't know!

Why don't I have any patience?

I recall sitting down with my laptop in college with a solid story idea- ready to tackle starting my first lengthy story, or 'book,' and when something else came up and I had to take a break from writing, I would not return. It was like my brain gave up on that idea because I didn't finish it all in one sitting- like once I walked away, the dream was over, and I had to move on to the next. I had notebooks upon notebooks of prompts and quotes and characters, all with no end result.

I used to dream of becoming an author...why can't I just DO what I have wanted to do for SO long?

Even right now, as I re-read what I've typed in this very story, I cringe... it sounds so amateur. I don't sound like a writer. I sound like a person just spitting out words all willy-nilly just to get them out. It's like I don't know how to formulate an intelligent thought. I swear, I have them...I just can't translate from my brain to this medium.

Maybe I'm just scared?

I have a habit of underestimating myself. I wonder if this inability to focus is a form of self-sabotage. Maybe I sub-consciously don't think I can really do it, so my brain just makes it so I can't...in order to save me from future failure? Who knows...

How do I fix this?

How do I navigate over this mountain blocking my ability to actually accomplish something I've wanted to accomplish for nearly 20 years of my life? I didn't want this to feel forced. I wanted this to come naturally. And thoughts-wise, it does. I can imagine the most magical and interesting people and places, but fall short of bringing them to life in the articulate world. Maybe I need to meditate...or start journaling...or just slow down and really think about what I am doing.

Or should I just give up?

Maybe this just means that this dream is not meant for me. Maybe I'm not meant to fulfill this one. Some dreams will just always stay hollow, right? What if I'm not succeeding because I'm not supposed to? How does one know when to truly give up? How do you know when to turn off the flame that isn't burning hot enough to heat the pot?

Is this just crazy talk?

Or maybe this means I need to try harder. Maybe it's not time to give up, but a time to give my all. Maybe this is my time to shine, and my time to prove to myself that I am capable, and I can do what I set my mind to. Maybe this could be the spark that really gets that flame going after all this time.

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About the Creator

Ashleigh Riley

Mother of 2-Writer-Crafter-Dreamer-TV binger-Movie lover-Space nerd-dinosaur connoisseur

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