When I was Little...

"Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but... when I was little; this was the night I secretly wished you were more like the monster we could create in our head then the monster we could clearly see."

She was in the dark. It was cold there; sad and scary as the lights continued to flicker in the back of her mind. Cassandra realized she was in the bedroom of a small home on a farm, back in Southern California. She was laying on a bed, with a large dog laying beside her. It was a German Shepard she named Dutches. She could hear Dutches breathing softly as she lay there next to Cassandra. Seeing her; touching her warm coat made her smile and half laugh. Dr Mannix was happily relieved to see the half smile come over Cassandra's face, as she softly let out the sound of a child’s giggle. Dr Mannix asked Cassandra if she could relay to him, where she was and how old she was. Cassandra began to relay a memory of her life as a child, living on a farm, back when she was just three years old. The night was darker then most nights. The air was chilly. The warmth from Dutches was her saving grace. The light from the hallway came through from under the doorway, in a soft pale glow, but in no way was a comfort to her small frame, now hiding under the covers away from what was on the other side of the door frame. In the dark of the night, she lay there quietly, hoping and praying she didn’t have to use the bathroom.

Cassandra could hear her sister, Mary Be, struggle and stir from under the covers on the other side of Dutches. Until she moved, she didn’t even realize she was not alone, but quickly remembered when she heard the soft tones of her dear sister's voice, break the silence of the room, bringing her to a full awakening. Mary Be was just 18 months older than Cassandra, but somehow seemed somewhat younger than herself.

“Sister. I have to go to the bathroom. I gonna pee my pants, wet the bed, if in I don’t go to the bathroom soon. Will you please go with me? I scared!” Mary Be pleaded with Cassandra to go with her to the bathroom in fear of her life and in total desperation of her bodily needs. There was no time to wait. They crawled out of bed and left the room, as silent as mice in a cupboard set with traps. Dutches began to follow the girls out the door, but Cassandra stopped her and told her to wait. She knew better than to let Dutches leave the bed at night and wander the house in the dead of night.

The two small frames were quietly making their way down the hallway to the bathroom in the dark, the soft 10w bulb barely lit up half the hall as they headed down to the other end, to where the bathroom was. Neither one of the girls barely breathed as they made their way to the door at the end of the hall. As accustomed there was a red lightbulb, lit and dangling from over top of the sink. Cassandra allowed her sister go first, and stood by the toilet just next to her sister, safely hidden behind a short wall where the toilet recessed back into the house.

“Sister, hurry up… now I gotta go too. I’m a gonna wet my pants, and momma gonna beat me hard if in I do.” Mary Be stood up and quickly wiped her behind and moved into the safe place her sister had just occupied. Cassandra was almost done, when the door opened fully and a tall, dark figure entered the room. The sound of heavy naked feet on the bare floor made its way down the where the girls now quietly waited for the world to end, with no one to save them.

The man was tall, had dark hair and dark circles under his eyes, which made him look half man, half creature in the dark, under the red glow of the bulb. He stood in front of the sink and rinsed out his mouth after taking a drink and splashed water onto his face. He turned to relieve himself, only to find two small figures cowering and clinging to each other for dear life. Cassandra screamed, as she came face-to-face with a half erect penis in her face ready to release its full load.

Mary Be let out the second scream and the man followed suit with his own loud scream, as the two small unexpected girls screams, scared him half out of his wits. He roared in a loud voice, storming out the bathroom and down the hall to the master bedroom. This was the only chance the two girls were going to get to make a fast escape. “Hurry Dutches. Come on girl!”, Cassandra cried out softly, as they made their way down the hall, out the back door, into the night, the cold air and nowhere fast.

Cassandra knew they would be coming fast on their heels, so there was no time to waste. They must hide. The girls were barefoot and running in long nightgowns down to their feet. They had to hold up the bottoms of their pjs in order to run faster without tripping over the bottom of their gowns. With the cold, damp night air nipping at their heels and pinching their naked arms and cheeks. The two girls ran, as the clouds parted, the moon's light guided their way to safety under the old willow tree.

"You see Momma. Mary Be and I ran for dear life that night and as we stood under the old willow tree; looking out yonder to where the moon was being gobbled up by the monster in the tree. That's where I secretly made my wish, because I knew come morning, Mary Be an I would have to face the real monster in your head. The monster I could clearly see."

What you don't know now Momma; is I truly wish, now that I am grown and have a better understanding of how trauma bonding in an ancestral karmic cycle works within the lives of us simple and yet complex human beings, causing us pain and trauma from ancestral pain, moving from one generation to the next. If we do not work on them when we are here to do so, we unknowing continue the cycle. My new secret is; I have taken responsibility for my roll in seeing you in this light, of being a monster, and not just my mother. In consciously seeing you as a monster, my unconscious mind, manifested the energy for you to be just that. I forgive you momma, and release you from your karmic bonds.

All of My Eternal Love, Christine St. Croix P. 5/21/2022