When I Looked Up in Silence at the Stars

I've never pretended to be normal. What does normal even mean? But if there's one thing that can make someone long to feel normal, it's working night shift.

When I worked nights, all I wanted was to feel normal.

You have to do your time in nursing. Or so they say. Whoever they are. Most nurses start on nights. Thankfully, I was only on nights for about a year before I landed a day shift. Ignoring the global pandemic, it was still agony.

There are times in my life I wish I could experience a second time. Feel all the emotions and relive.

You couldn't pay me enough to go back to my year on nights.

I knew myself, and I knew that I couldn't switch back and forth between being up during the day and being up at night. Being a young person with no kids, I was able to sleep during the day and be up all night, even on my nights off.

It was an odd time in my life. An odd time to be awake while the rest of the world slept.

Aside from a lack of vitamin D, I almost fell into a "healthy" practice. I tried to be consistent about when I ate and when I went to bed. I even managed to have a bit of time each day to hang out with my family.

The exciting thing about night shift was how late I could stay out on weekends. I started taking West Coast swing dance lessons. The weekend dances for that would sometimes last until one in the morning. For me, that was mid-day, and it was thrilling to be awake to experience those moments, when everyone else was getting tired. It was at those dances that I felt most like a normal person again.

But then the pandemic came and all the dances stopped.

And then there was only one thing unique to night shift I now miss. (And when I say thing, I do mean that. I met some great people on nights that I will always remember. But being with people is something you can experience during the day.)

There's a wonderful poem by Walt Whitman called "When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer," that holds a special place in my heart.

When I heard the learn'd astronomer,

When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,

When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,

When I sitting heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,

How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,

Till rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself,

In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,

Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

I suppose it's a simple enough poem, but it resonates with me because it reminds me to find the wonder in something rather than focus on all the details.

Sometimes this means being still and looking at the stars instead of figuring out all the mathematical proofs of where they dance in the heavens.

When I was on nights, it meant reminding myself of the difference I was making in people's lives in the nursing field, rather than focusing on doing everything perfectly.

And now it's a reminder to fall in love with writing and to enjoy it for its own sake. It reminds me to not get so focused on the number of reads I've gotten, the price per word I get paid, or SEO that I forget why I love it.

During all those nights, it was also a poem that inspired me to take time to look "up in perfect silence at the stars."

Those nights at 3 am, when the world was asleep, but I was awake.

Somehow while the world sleeps, the universe continues its wondrous dance. Most people miss it, but I got to see the waltz and joy of the heavens.

I would lie out in the backyard on a blanket and look at the stars. Sometimes, I would bring out a mug of hot tea. And I would wait for my eyes to adjust. I would see the stars shine and some shoot across the dome of the night sky.

It was a time of silent awe, prayer, and contemplation.

In those moments, I reflected on the sheer beauty of the universe and the complexity of the One who made it. And while the circumstances that brought me there were not what I wanted, they were good moments. They weren't normal, but they were full of wonder.

That's what I miss about night shift. I miss taking time to fall in love with the wonder of the stars.