What That Four Letter Word Means To Me

This is my life, my story... yet, I find myself more times than not, sitting in silence. Wondering, how can this once again be happening to me? You may be wondering what "this" is, and exactly what it is I am referring. The answer is simple... "this" equates to the art of loving. Being in love, not just with another warm body, but ones self. The thin line between love and hate and the all knowing. When the love you pour from yourself, leaves you feeling beyond empty! Sounds so dark and filled with sadness. The opposite of what defines love. Yet, as time rolls by... I am learning, there is nothing simple about love.

Nothing!

I am driven by love. In fact, my love language is touch. So not only are my thoughts and emotions fueled by that organ that keeps my blood pumping, but I have to use my body, in order for my senses to feel. Some days, this leads to the most beautiful of moments, and others... my soul is consumed by a darkness that makes the night sky envious.

Why is it so hard for people to speak their truths. To say what it is they truly seek. To be honest and open about the scars on their hearts and the events from the past that brought them to their knees. They say most people do not want to have titles or be committed to one person. They want convenience and a presence when their needs require such. It's the hopeless romantics, such as myself, that become the easiest to target. They know that with one text... I will coming running, as I too crave presence and touch. Not with just the fingers and hands, but with words that fill my mind with creative thoughts. I have my own selfish take-a-ways but, my heart and mind, long for more! That is where I get stuck every time!

What's so wrong with wanting the happily ever after?

My experiences have taught me that the older I get, the less likely you will find others who are willing to trust. They are easy to use the word but it's the lack of action that gives them away. So then I am left with decisions regarding the impact on my heart if I allow them to continue to use me for play. For a moment that feeds their insecurities and desires. Events that elevate our souls into something so much higher... yet, after the timeline expires... my heart wants more. That is where it becomes unfair for me. I am not capable of just playing pretend. I seek realness that in wrapped in forever. The more I realize this about myself, the more I find myself in silence . Afraid to say my thoughts and feelings out loud, as they will only provide a moment for me to experience being stupid!

How is it is stupid to want to be loved and to love back? What happened to society that wanting a committed relationship is now considered to be strange. I am not the girl that is meant to be a plan b, or a second choice. There are no excuses that will continue to feed my silence. I know what I desire and long for and if that is too much for them... then I am off to try opening another door! I can't keep playing the games of those that refuse to speak their truths or question why they are afraid of something long term. It's not my job to help them discover what they are afraid to learn about themselves, or help them understand what it is they truly deserve.

Typically, I would be crying now. Feelings of being unworthy or not good enough, would be consuming my heart and mind. Not today... today, I only have emotions that are in the spectrum of being kind. I am incapable of selfishness, and yet, its what I need to learn to be in order to truly find that special someone out there for me. If I continue to play with those only seeking my presence in the form hours... I might miss out on the person that is ready, real and has been seeking a life of forever, with a girl that looks, thinks, and acts just like me!