Was I the issue?

The adventure continues...

For all of you that are keeping track, I am now up to 65 applications submitted. Five rejection notifications, three interviews for one position-not selected, and one interview today for a company and position I really want, leaving 58 possibilities open.

I am not worried. Experts say there are plenty of jobs, but no one wants to work. I will have my pick of all the gold star jobs. Unfortunately, the hiring manager for all of them is currently on PTO. I am sure that I will hear back.

No, this blog is a confessional blog. Admission of my own flaws and downfalls.

I secretly want people to acknowledge the work that I did for my job, and send me off with a cake. Or some Oreos.

As implied by some of my other stories, my boss and I don't always see eye to eye. My co-workers would say that I like to stir the pot. It's just not clear to me why I cannot question procedures that hinder the mission or make life harder for the employees in an open forum.

I was hired for a position that didn't exist before my arrival. It was a position that still doesn't even have a job description- just implied tasks. This means that there were gray areas, expectations that I didn't always understand, and a general sense of not having someone to talk to to work out some of the issues that arose.

A lone captain of a very large ship with no crew to help steer.

And yet, I did the impossible. The program has been created, a solid foundation has been built, and it is now ready for release into the world on a stable footing.

That is my perception.

Admittedly, this may be wrong.

Maybe as I turtle walk towards the day that I can finally escape -40 degree weather in winter and misquote infested summers, the boss and co-workers are secretly celebrating.

Maybe no one wants to hear my opinions. It is quite possible that my quest to streamline, simplify, and make things easier wasn't worth the effort.

How do I know this? Having looked back in my rearview mirror, I have realized that employees who were loud, questioning, and trouble makers (in a good sense), are never rewarded when they leave the company. Then they disappear and are only mentioned when the next victim is hired.

I am guilty of this charge.

In my ignorance, I didn't properly appreciate the work others had done before me. Of course, it wasn't the way that I would have done things. Of course, I probably wouldn't have made the same decisions. It wasn't my job. Why did I think that I needed to question what others had done before me? Was it so difficult for me to just accept and acknowledge that they did what they could with what they had?

Why was I so damn competitive?

There is something to be said about strong-willed people. When we get the job done, it is above and beyond expectations. However, we have also been known to burn bridges that should have been left alone.

I once got a plaque - Rose 'Pit Bull' Geer. I was so proud of that title. Until my dad reminded me that most people don't appreciate a Pit Bull fight. It is not pretty, and there are no clear winners.

It makes me wonder whether or not I was really a useful member of the team. If no one wants to say "thank you" when you leave- if no one wants to take the time to print you a certificate in a word document and put it in a $0.99 frame- did I really contribute anything?

I will be doing some inner reflection in the weeks ahead as I finish up writing my book and packing up my home. How true to myself do I want to be?

It might even be wiser for me to become meek and mild- never questioning ineffective leadership or wanting to make my job better than it was when I walked in. Just drift through the days without making a ripple, never truly happy with what I'm doing.

Or, take this as a learning experience. In the event that I am hired somewhere, I won't be the type of leader who discourages progressive ideas and suggestions. If I disagree with a proposal, I will explain why I believe that this is not the right time to implement the change. Leaders who inspire the ability to think outside the box and ask challenging questions will be my role model. I will be a leader that answers emails in a timely manner and always 'circle back' within the prescribed time frame.

If I ever get hired somewhere.