Trauma journal

It is about 11:15pm on Nov 24th 2025 I am laying in bed alone shaking.. not only because its cold but because my other half had a manic drunk episode and lashed out.
Since I got home from work I've been lovey hugging him.. he held me and hugged me tight. We played around smack bums and kissed. Unusual for us on a regular basis. But he was drinking rum. RUM! It has been a god-send since beer. He was so mean on beer, but when he mixes his liquor he gets even meaner. Im starting a journal because tonight I feel is the last straw of my sanity.
Ive been lovey and cuddly and close, but I gave him space because he wanted to race his game on the ps5. I went downstairs to crochet the blanket I've been trying to make the last year and a half.
I kept going upstairs periodically to see him and give him smooches.
He came downstairs about 930 asking to hold him and cuddle him. So I asked if he wanted to go to bed. Usually thats the sign he wants to be intimate and cuddle. But we got into bed. Both our boys(cats) jumped on the bed for cuddles too. I tried giving my Man cuddles but he wasnt coherent... was basically sleeping the moment he hit the pillow, but was Able to mumble something that hurt my feeling so I turned over and got upset.

He kinda woke up a bit and wanted cuddles so I came over happy he finally wanted to cuddle. Even though i was upset with him, i gave in anyways because i love with my whole heart. He kept getting antsy or irritated.. maybe uncomfortable and muttered something like he was being smothered. When I was just next to him cuddling like we always do, as its what he wanted ..
He started aggressively moving us around the bed rocking back and forth. Maybe his way to get comfy... but I made a comment of "dont squish the cat". Smokey was beside me, curled up and purring. The movement not only frightened him but we could have rolled on top of him and hurt him. I just made the comment out of concern to not hurt our animal. This Man, freaked out, going off about how I care more about the animals than him and this family. As I try to say anything he cuts me off like normal and wont let me speak. Like my voice isnt valid. All I was trying to say to him was, I was trying to cuddle you, sorry I didn't want to hurt the cat. But I wanted to cuddle and get comfortable. Explaining to him how I've been with him all day and needing his attention.
He goes upstairs to smoke and comes back downstairs, to not only yell at me but throw his heavy pillow at me. Telling me how im a bad person and I put animals before the kids, and that I made his daughter cry the other day (lie). The other morning I was running late... I got the animals fed and his youngest daughter, got out of bed, as I was making her school lunch and my work lunch she asked me to make her breakfast, which I said sorry girl I don't have time im packing lunches quickly and I gotta run out the door I got 7 minutes. She replied "oh OK", walks down the stairs and asks dad, which he proceeded to yell at me for not turning on the kettle for oatmeal. She never told me what she wanted for breakfast and I was trying to rush doing 2 things at once already. When he walked up the stairs i was at the brown cabinet grabbing snacks for hers and my lunches.. but Nov 24th argument was, that i was too busy feeding the cats to make his daughter breakfast.. therefor animals are more important than the kids and I made her cry. I was right next to her when she yelled down the stairs to ask dad. Not once was there a cry... she was fine asking him because I was busy. To this Man everything is a big deal! So i have to risk being late for work ... I dont have the luxury of getting picked up by coworkers or cabbing. I rely on city transit. Buses don't wait for anyone. It was not rude of me to tell her sorry im trying to make your lunch and mine and I'm rushing to finish to go to work.
Thats a boundary is it not? Understanding someone is busy and to politely ask someone else. And know they didn't say no to hurt your feelings.. only that they where preoccupied with other things.

These kids dont know boundaries, they dont know stability, or disipline, or real love.


I give them food to eat, I take time to listen to their drama, I play full on Mama Bear to these kids. I do their laundry, folded and tell them to put away. All I ask is for them to help with chores to take a load off of their dad and I because we work and don't want to come home to a messy house with lazy kids. Tasks I asign usually are, dishes, Cat litter, sweep/mop, clean upstairs bathroom. Keep rooms clean..

But we have a 13 year old who thinks she runs the house. Shes so rude, disrespectful,  inconsiderate and very judgy. But this Man doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. Basically laughs about it and blames others for her behavior.

These kids cannot take accountability for their actions, his son is different he has common sense.. the youngest girl is learning and the way I am teaching her, shes becoming a very loving helpful and considerate child..she has her moments of annoyance when we want quiet time or when she's over tired. But she tells me daily she loves me and sure I ask her to do some tasks too... like taking your laundry to your room and putting it away. To cleaning up the dirty laundry on the floor in her room, to doing recycling. I taught her what goes where and to sort properly for the blue bins. Shes starting to help me with dishes now and she likes starting the dishwasher.

Im not  a bad person. Yet the 13 year old  makes me out to be the evil step mother. And her dad just believes her and goes along with it when hes drinking. She only ever comes out of her room when hes drunk and they can have a drunk heart to heart because when he drinks depending on his mood im the villian.

He can never understand what I am going through with his behavior, his actions ... they have consequences... and its his gf being emotional and mentally hurt, struggling and drained. That is the consequence. The hurt and pain he is causing my mental health to plummet, can really damage a person.
People also need to realize abuse isnt always physical..its emotional and mental.
He is so narcissistic that he gets angry at a situation and then blames someone else who wasnt part of the initial anger.. of minor things that may annoy him or just start a fight.

Real examples would be, making the youngest cry(lie), caring more about the cats than kids (lie), he twists words around from a situation that happened, but he makes up new stories or new parts of the situation... that never actually happened...
He fabricates the truth.
He belittles the one person he knows he cannot lose.
He persists that he is king, and his gf who should be queen.. is a lousy servant girl, only to serve his children in childcare, and to please him when he sees fit.

I am tired, mentally exhausted, physically drained. My muscles hurt, im shaking like im freezing, my head is loopy from the brain fog that this situation has given me.

Yet no matter what I feel,  im in the wrong... is this, RIGHT?  Hes right im wrong! Hes big, im small!..

Thats full on aggressive narcissism, if im not totally mistaken

Hes basically betraying my trust in him as a partner, he told me he would always take care of me, he tells me its us against the world. We are in this forever.
How could someone who says they love you hurt you the way he has hurt me....
The verbal abuse, it is mentally exhausting. The degrading, the mocking, the name calling, the constant need to be right and make everyone the villian...
This relationship is toxic... and it only gets like this when  he gets so stressed out he drinks himself fucking stupid.

I really should have continued my journal I had before I met him. Only then he would be able to read how horrible of a person he is to me.