trapped In The Closet

It was a normal Saturday night at work. As a high schooler, I worked in a skating rink. Saturday Nights were big business most of the time. There was a local college, and they all but took over. A local radio DJ spun the records, and pulled in the crowds from eleven until two in the morning, and the earlier seven to ten session would be busy in anticipation.

But not on this particular Saturday. This particular Saturday, the lead-in session was dead. The boss was looking for volunteers to take a little time off and come back for the later session, and I had a new girlfriend, so I volunteered.

Please note, all names have been changed to protect the involved. We weren't innocent, but I'm not outing anyone here...

I gave the new squeeze (she shall henceforth be known as Eve) a call, and she was having a friend spend the night, but better than that, her parents weren't home, and weren't expected back until midnight. That would leave a couple of hours for fooling around, and I was game.

Like lightning, I pulled up around the corner, and parked, making my way behind a few houses for my clandestine meeting with the object of my affection. Her friend made herself scarce (I shall name her Lara, and she took the opportunity to visit the brother of my girlfriend... who was thrilled because he had a serious crush on her).

We soon found ourselves in Eve's room, enjoying each other's company. (Just to be clear, it might not have been a family show, but only went as far as the gray area between PG13 and R). As we played tonsil hockey and I did everything I could to pick her locks, the door burst open. Lara, covering her eyes so as not to be exposed to what she assumed was happening in the room (that would have been an easy R rating), flung the door open and announced that Eve's parents had just pulled into the garage.

Eve and I had been otherwise occupied enough not to have noticed the garage door below us opening and closing. Go figure.

A moment later, footsteps could be heard on the stairs just outside Eve's room. I was unceremoniously sent into a closet to remain hidden and extend my life. As Eve closed the door, closing me in between her jackets and dresses, her mother walked into her room.

The wedding reception had not kept their attention... drat.

Eve's father (let's note that he was formerly special forces) had camped himself in front of the TV to see what might be good to watch.

A word about the layout of the house... Eve's room was across from the top of the stairs. Had one chosen to look, they could see the top half of her door while standing at the bottom of the staircase, and more had they been across the room. The TV was across the room from the bottom of the stairs, leaving her father's favorite chair facing away from the stairs. That also meant that her mother could see most of the doorway if she leaned ever so slightly to the side.

Outside of my Rapunzel's tower was a VERY nasty sticker bush, no doubt placed there by the special forces father to prevent amorous young men... like me... from finding a way in or out of her room without injury. Except through the front door. At this particular juncture, that also would have likely resulted in injury.

As Eve's parents lounged below, enjoying the Saturday Night Movie, Eve and I enjoyed each other's company in the closet a little longer. Lara occupied herself with a book and dutifully ignored us, except when she was laughing about how great of a story this would make at a wedding reception... possibly during a toast.

Two clocks were ticking for me at this point... three if we count the death-clock had I walked downstairs.

I was supposed to be leaving to go back to work. It was almost eleven.

And I was getting to the point where I desperately needed to pee.

Getting a phone into the closet was the easier of the two.

As I whispered into the phone, telling my boss that I couldn't come in because I was stuck in a girl's closet, fearing for my life. I could hear him laughing at me as he hung up. Let's just say I had a reputation.

"How did it go?" Eve asked.

"I'm not fired. I'm supposed to come in when I am free. He laughed."

The second issue had reached alarming levels. In the immortal words of Cheech Marin, "My back teeth were floating."

Since Eve and Lara lacked the ability to plumb her closet quickly, the determination was made that I would have to make it across the hall to the bathroom.

Walking across the hall was a no go. Lara went on distraction duty, talking to Eve's parents while I crawled across the hall... Yes... I belly-crawled. I was NOT going to be spotted. I was sixteen and not yet ready to die. Even for love.

This was when I figured out the next thing. Peeing makes noise. Boys peeing make a different noise than girls peeing. But, because I'm smart (but not smart enough not to be trapped in a girl's room with her parents lurking below) I decided to get on my knees to complete my mission. Less chance of splashy noises.

That's right... I rigged the toilet for silent running. And it was a success. I very quietly washed my hands. I'm not an animal. And then I cracked the door to give the signal I was ready to exfil from the bathroom.

A new series of events were triggered that ended with me belly-crawling back across the hall as Lara regaled Eve's parents in another riveting but unimportant story.

At this point... all was mostly well. My mother didn't expect me home for a few hours, thinking I was at work. My boss wasn't expecting me until such time as I could free myself of the closet, and my bladder was (thankfully) empty.

Eve's mother eventually retired to bed, while her father decided a little SNL was called for.

"How late does he stay up?" I asked.

"Sometimes he sleeps in the chair..." the lovely Eve responded. I think she smiled... possibly at my discomfort with my impending doom.

This could get sticky. Living in a closet until Monday was not an option. Two glasses of scotch proved to be the winning combination. For Eve's father, not me.

About half past one in the morning, he drifted off to lullabyland. Lara took up a post in the living room, sitting on the couch where she could keep an eye on him, and signal us.

Once flashed the signal, I followed Eve down the stairs, mustering all of the ninja-stealth skills my sixteen-year-old self could manage. Eve quietly unlocked the door, leading to a partial rousing of her father, a mere arms-reach away for me.

As he settled back down, no doubt dreaming of ways to kill teenaged boys that sought access to his daughter's inner sanctum, I slipped from the door, and sticking to the shadows, back to my car. I didn't want to be undone by a neighbor walking the dog, not after all of my hard work.

Speaking of work, I arrived about closing time.

"Don't worry about it, Lane," my boss said, still chuckling. "I know it's true... you aren't creative enough to make that up. And if you did... you deserve the night off." Ouch, I think.

As a post-script, the lovely Eve and I are still friends, as are Lara and me. A fictionalized episode was also written in one of my novels (which also does not use her name), and she did a beta read for me. We both got a good laugh out of it.

Lara was right... it has made an epic story, and while Eve and I were never destined for the altar, had we been, Lara would have no doubt done the story delivery... and I'm a little surprised she didn't deliver it at Eve's wedding reception... then follow it with "but that wasn't this guy."