Top 10 Surefire Tips For Men When Having an Affair

Welcome to adultery!

It’s a wide-open playing field filled with degenerates like me. I’m going to show you around. You want hot sex--And not with your wife.

Sex out of network is simple. Just follow the tips below:

1. Women love pictures of your dick.

Your dick is swoon-worthy, I bet. It’s the perfect cock. You know it, too. Don’t worry about trying to lead with other pics of your body or face — it’s all dick, all the time. Let’s not beat around the bush *or maybe she’ll like that, lol.

2. Don’t smile in any shots.

Scowl even. The less approachable, the better. Make sure you have a dead animal nearby that you’ve recently killed. It reassures us — makes us ladies feel good to have a “protector” on hand. And maybe a potential weapon used in our murder on file.

3. Overshare on your profile or write nothing at all.

Both work equally well. Women like to know what kind of men they are getting. Boring wuss or idiot. Pair with dick pics, and you are golden! Another hot hotel date is on the horizon.

4. Use plenty of emojis in place of words.

The eggplant, squirt, and peach. The universal sign of intelligence. Also, substitute the taco, horny devil, tongue sticking out, doughnut, and pointy finger. All those allusions to anal sex will thrill her. “I respect you as a woman and want a sincere relationship with you,” is what you were trying to say, right?

5. Keep all texting to a minimum.

Women love to keep guessing. Make sure you look at her texts but don’t respond for hours. “I was busy.” That line works wonders. Add some of the choice emojis from above when you really are feeling it. “I was thinking of you, babe.”

6. Make sure you ask for plenty of tit and pussy pics.

“Show me what ya got.” “I need to see what I’m working with.” “Baby girl, I am so horny for you.” Cue the cat emoji, sushi, and taco. And camera. Don’t forget. She’ll feel so sexy to be reduced to body parts.

7. In addition, make sure she knows you are jacking off.

Right pointer finger emoji, ok symbol, and fireworks. She will undoubtedly be thrilled. “He’s perfect for me. I’ve never been so understood.”

8. “Send me your favorite porn.”

Since women are visual creatures and live for PornHub, this is spot on the best way to find out about a potential lover. “What are your fantasies?” “Tell me. The crazier, the better!” “I’ll fulfill them, I promise.” Porn is the way to a woman’s vagina.

9. “Are you touching yourself?”

Request videos. “I really need to see you.” Don’t notice how she moves or what makes her excited. “I can make you cum so much faster, babe. I know what you want.” That will make her extra horny for you. She knows you care.

10. And don’t forget the dick pics!

Successful male adulterers will have a penis picture handy at all times. You don’t need to “connect” with a woman other than with your appendage. Stroke your ego (and your cock) with its turgid magnificence. “Please no dick pic” women will be throwing themselves at you in no time. Believe me.

This, men, will get your cock in the door of any wannabe adulteress. She will gladly open her legs for you in some generic hotel room. You won’t need to try hard to get laid — she will beg you for your dick.

You’ll be back often, guaranteed once you get a taste of the dark side (and I don’t mean anal, or I might, lol).

Adultery is so much fun. Anyone can do it! Follow the prompts above, and you will be fucking extramaritally in no time flat.