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Today Is The Day

The courage to say what you always wanted

By Jessica LowriePublished about a year ago 3 min read
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Today Is The Day
Photo by Bays work on Unsplash

You’re ready. Today’s the day. The day you get to say how you really feel. How you’ve always felt. There’s no more hiding, you’re free to tell them exactly what you want to say. You’ve held your tongue for years.

You’ve organised the meeting but they wanted to pick the place and of course you let them. First mistake you’ll make today.

You can see them and they look exactly how you remember. You feel your heartbeat fasten. Your lips are really dry. You’re trying to keep your shit together. It’s really hard, but you’re trying. Did I bring my lip balm? You fist around in your pockets and come up empty. A passing thought flashes that with the amount of sweat accumulating on your palms you could use that as lip balm. You shudder at how disgusting that sounds.

You focus back on their footsteps shortening the distance between the two of you. You become aware of how close they are, close enough to smell and taste. No, not taste. We are not here for that.

They are finally standing right in front of you. You can see smaller more intimate details of their face and body. The way their hands are rough, the freckles they have across the bridge of their nose. In this moment it’s like you’ve been made aware of every memory you’ve shared. The good. THE good.

You’re doing it again, you’re doing that thing you do where you allow the good to sneak back in. Get the good out of your head. You’re here because of the bad. Remember the bad. The constant gas lighting, the emptyness they leave you with.

We’ve been over this, how many times do we have to have the same conversation. When will you get it? Blinded by the way they make you feel that’s good. It’s a fog that covers your eyes to the bad.

You’re USELESS.

You realise you said that last sentence out loud. There smiling at you. Keep it together. Don’t smile back, you idiot. You’ve rehearsed this a million times, why are you like this? You try and shake it off. Keep. It. Together. That wave of nausea hits hard you might throw up.

You’re almost there. You can do this. You make eye contact, you feel your face flush. Great, another win for them. They know you can’t do this. You’ve tried before. How many times do we have to put ourselves through this. This anxiousness, this constant weight that sits on your chest. That feeling of wanting to throw up rises again.

Your face to face. This is it. They look at you. “You look amazing”. You smile. Of course you smile. What is the point of the voice inside your head if you NEVER listen to it?

You’ve blown it. They know it, you know it.

You finally speak. Your brain is telling your mouth to move. The voice inside your head saying over and over again “I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore”. We have rehearsed this a million times. Just open your mouth and let the words fall out. We are doing this for US. WE NEED THIS. You realise you’ve been standing there for too long unspoken. They lift their hand to your chin and lift it it up. “What is it?” Their touch sets your entire body ablaze. It’s like they’re touching every inch of you. You’ve failed.

The next song starts playing and it’s not from the current playlist you’re listening to. You scream in frustration. You take the head phones out and you sit up right. It always goes the exact same way every time we try this. They will always win. They always have.

There’s always tomorrow right?

Teenage years
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About the Creator

Jessica Lowrie

I first learnt that I loved to write stories when I was 8 and used my grand parents computer to write a 200 page book about fairies. 🧚🏻

Add a dark imagination, relationships, vivid dreamer and you’ve got a pretty good story teller.

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