The Truth

Reading back on other ramblings about the relationship that didn't work out years ago, I realize just how blind I was to it all. It took being single for as long as I was to finally see what that relationship really was.

And true, I did work on myself. I moved, traveled, lost loved ones, and moved again. I went no contact with him years ago, once my eyes finally opened.

He was not who I was going to end up with; he didn't love me. I was a use of convenience for him, and the emotional turmoil that came from it had lasting effects. And so I want to, for the record, make it clear. The girl who wrote those heartbroken things was an idiot.

The truth is, despite all of the things I wrote that I call crazy now, there is something completely undeniable. I broke free of him. I broke free of his inability to commit, to love unconditionally, the inability to think of anyone but himself.

I broke free. And despite my own flaws and the things I need to work on, or the mistakes I wish I could fix. I deserved far better than him. I deserve far better. And even if I've lost that better now, maybe at the very least I can try to be that for myself.

"I’m heartbroken. I haven’t felt this kind of pain before. I feel anger, betrayal. I feel so many things and I feel lonely. I stayed in my hometown after I met him because...well because I thought this was it. I figured when you finally find the person you want to spend your life with everything was supposed to come easy."

Yes, it should come easy you stupid girl. It should have its own unique issues, but nothing compared to what you actually went through.

"I’ve pushed so many people away in my life. I lost contact with so many and I feel immense guilt about it. Truly. I kick myself every day wishing I could be the person everyone wants. But I’m me and I have gotten to this point that I think moving forward is all I have left. You can’t make someone stay. Can’t make someone love you. I can’t even seem to get out of bed before ten when I’m in a bout of depression. So I pretend. I get out of bed when I finally can. I turn the TV on to drown out the noise in my head. I get dressed for the day, try to eat, shower, and go to bed. Repeat."

Okay, when will we stop doing this? We've gotten exponentially better at keeping friendships these days, but girl, our love life had so much potential, and you wrecked it. The depression, we just take our meds daily and go to therapy now. It will always remain true that you can't make someone love you. Can't make someone stay. We know it all too well by now. But stop messing things up. We showered, we washed our hair. We may have gone three days without eating, but it's still progress.

"I always considered myself to be a hopeless romantic. I’m a mate for life kind of gal."

Yeah, we still are. That hasn't changed and never will. I want someone I can grow old with, build a life with, and love unconditionally. Or I don't want it at all. There is no in between for me. I'm all or nothing. I want to give all and overcome the hard stuff. Get past the hurdles and grin at the good stuff. Brag about my partner, love that he thinks of me when something happens he has to tell me about. Stop sabotaging it all.