The thoughts I have but can't speak

I always fail to find the words to express my gratitude.

As a child, I was lucky enough to be born to a mother who loves me. From day one, my mother did nothing but her absolute best to support me.

It's why, sometimes, I feel so guilty to be here.

Despite having a loving home, a doting mother, and a group of friends I grew up with since I was a baby, everything kept feeling like it was falling apart.

So, I guess I'll never admit it to your face, but I'm sorry.

I don't know why I feel that way, but the guilt eats away at me sometimes.

I'm sorry I have been sick a lot. I know since grade school it has interrupted both your professional and social settings. Either from me needing medications I can't find, a ride home from school, or just emotional support. You never once complained or talked down to me, but the teachers around me did. I remember one telling me I wasn't ever going to graduate college because I couldn't show up to class. She told me she didn't have time to give me makeup work or print copies of tests for me to take in study hall. If she couldn't do that... how could I expect you to stop teaching a room of twenty or so students?

Yet... you did. And still do.

When I need you, you always make me a priority. It's so hard for me to understand that kind of love, that kind of commitment towards me. I've never felt like I was worthy of it, despite you doing everything within your power to show me it's unconditional.

I've told you fragments of this during panic attacks- how I'm so afraid of letting you down, being a financial burden, and getting in the way. I always get choked up and spiral because I can see the pain and anguish it can cause you, especially when I can't articulate what I need.

I just hope you know your presence - your bright, radiant presence - is more than even the luckiest daughter could ask for.

You've helped me build up the life I have today. Granted, it isn't much, but it's so much better than I would've dreamed. You helped me apply, and subsequently qualify for, disability. You've supported me as my crochet hobby has taken off. You've been an avid reader and fan of everything I write.

I still remember when I would write my little short stories in my spiral-bound notebooks and you would act so entranced. I'll never be able to express how happy that made me. Even knowing you laminated and stored the poem I wrote for you in like 1st grade keeps me motivated to write. Not to mention how you religiously use the crochet blanket I made you, despite it being the single most weirdly conglomerated thing I think I've crocheted.

All in all, you've kept me afloat. You've helped me find the little bit of self-worth I struggle to see. You've helped me be a better me.

You joke often about how you aren't "mother of the year", but I think that's what made me the person I am today- you taught me that flaws, setbacks, and struggles aren't what defines you. Instead, it's how you take these things in stride and not let them pull you under. You often say you wish there were things you knew, but I would never want you to redo anything.

Everything we've done together as a family has fallen perfectly into place. You've guided me to the best of your abilities, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

Thank you for being you, and for teaching me to love myself.