The Question I Wish I Had Asked Before Tying the Knot

I was very young when I got married and had a very naive view of what made a happy marriage.

I’d watched my parents navigate their way through storms and took notes. I told myself that when I got married, I would do things differently. My marriage would be the happily ever after, till death do us part, fairy tale that most romantic novels depict. The young always think they know better, don’t they?

I am now older and wiser. I can look back and see how asking the right questions would have changed taken my life in a different direction. I don’t regret my choices, though. I see them as life lessons and stepping stones on the journey of life.

Since we’re not all-knowing beings we tend to rely on the experience of others to inform our decisions. There is one question which I should have asked before tying the knot. It is not a magic formula but could help iron out things which could later lead to a breakup.

According to Divorce Statistics over the past 50 years, exactly one third of marriages have ended in divorce.

In 2019 the divorce rate in England and Wales was 8.9 divorces per thousand married couples, which was significantly higher than the rate in 2018 which was 7.5. The Divorce rate in England and Wales has been falling steadily since a rate of 13.3 was recorded in 2003 and 2004.

In a study conducted by NCBI the reason most cited for divorce was lack of commitment. 75% of respondents said that lack of commitment from their partner had been the deal breaker.

Infidelity or extramarital affairs had the second highest number of respondents citing it as a reason for divorce. 59.6%.

Too much conflict and arguing was a close third with 57.7% respondents saying they would end the relationship if there was too much conflict.

Getting married too young - 45.1%

Financial problems - 36.7%

Substance abuse - 34.6%

Domestic violence - 23.5%

Health problems - 18.2%

Lack of support from family - 17.3%

Religious differences - 13.3%

Little or no premarital education - 13.3%

Some people think that people who get divorced must have known that things were not going to work out. Knowing the statistics for why people get divorced is not a preventative measure or magical protection.

Legal representatives and lawyers usually categorise reasons for divorce into neat boxes for their convenience. However, there are actually just as many reasons for divorce as there are cases. Apart from the reasons stated above there are other factors that come into play.

Partners who thought everything was fine and didn’t see it coming.

Couples who knew that getting married was a mistake but went ahead with it because they didn’t want to “disappoint” (fill in the blank.)

Those who got married with the sole intention of changing the other person.

Marriages of convenience or arranged marriages.

The Question I Wish I Had Asked

Why do you want to marry me?

I know you say you love me but why should we get married? This question is loaded with meaning. Pay attention when you receive the answer: body language, tone of voice, the reason given. Don’t be surprised if you’re asked why you’re asking. The answers will tell you a lot about what the other person really wants from you.

If the responses don’t align with your values, walk away now. It’ll save you heartache, heartbreak, or worse still, punitive divorce costs and much more later on.

Remember that you cannot change another person or interfere with their freewill without their consent. Any actions that are forced or manipulative will not end well.

Takeaway

Always remember that you cannot change another person. The only thing you can change is you. At any point or time in your life you can choose to change your view of the world, your situation, your feelings about everything, and your attitude. When you change yourself, your situation, circumstances and environment also change. So, ask the right question right from the beginning.