The One You Can Never Forget

I’ll be honest, the main reason I’m writing this, is more to process things externally, rather than anything else. But, if there are people in the same position and this makes them feel less alone, then that’s great. This may seem dead simple to you and like I’m moaning/writing about nothing, but to me it’s niggling and annoying. Maybe it’s down to in-experience. Who knows?

There’s one person who, no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget. He was in my life for five years. I fancied him and desperately wanted to be with him, but mates was as far as we got. I mean at the time, he was too old for me. Now, the age difference isn’t that much, but it seems huge when you’re younger, doesn’t it? Anyway, I can’t seem to forget him and it’s very annoying. I’ve not seen him in eight years, but I still find myself day-dreaming of him, comparing every guy I fancy to him and going over things that did happen and things that could’ve happened.

I know the saying ‘you never forget your first love’ but I didn’t love him. At least, I don’t think I did. I mean, how can you be in love with someone you were never actually with?

Part of me thinks that it could be because I never got closure. I never got the chance to say goodbye to him and a few months after my last time seeing him, a mutual acquaintance told him that I’d said hello, and he claimed to not know who I was and said he’s never known anyone by my name. I really don’t know why he did that. We’d never argued and we were always okay. But that really hurt me. And I wish I could ask him why. And that is why I partly blame a lack of closure.

And I’ve fancied people both before and after him. I mean, I don’t fancy people very easily and I very rarely get a crush, but still. I don’t understand why it’s always him. Why I always compare blokes to him. Take at work, there’s a guy who works across the way from me, and one day, I was like: ‘oh, he walks like …’ And several times with customers, I’ve thought things like ‘oh, he could be an older…’ or ‘his mouth is like…’ IT’S REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING!!!

I’ve looked into it, and all I can find is things about first loves, first kisses, first times having sex, etc. He was none of those things. I was too young for all that. One website said that to get over him, I need to find someone else. Well, I’ve fancied people since him, and that hasn’t worked. I’ve never actually had a boyfriend, so maybe I can’t completely say that it hasn’t worked. I’m just incredibly confused by it all.

We weren’t even that close. I mean, compared to others around, we spoke more, and shared more. We had private jokes and if someone was annoying us, all we had to do was give one another a certain look. But, I’ve had that with friends I’ve lost contact with over the years, and I hardly think about them at all.

I guess in one sense, I have no one to talk to about him, so I can’t get these feelings about him out. I’ve always been a Tom-Boy, and so most of my friends have been guys, and none of them want me banging on about some bloke all day. And the one time I tried to confide in a female friend, she took the piss, said he was ugly, laughed and never mentioned him again. That really annoyed me. I had to constantly listen to her go on and on about guys all the time and I never once moaned. I mentioned liking someone once, and that’s the reply I got. And as for saying he’s ugly… that’s her opinion. He wasn’t classically handsome, sure, but he had the cheekiest smile and I challenge anyone not to fall in love with his eyes. Also, bit weird, but I love it when a guy’s veins are really prominent in their hands.

But he was so much more than his looks, and that was the bigger attraction for me. He was so kind and genuinely made time for everyone. He was incredibly knowledgeable, especially about music and history.

Has anyone else had this? Because I feel pretty alone. I know in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t a big deal, but it is really annoying me… especially given what he said, and the fact that it’s been eight years.

Last I heard, he’s married now; to a woman I absolutely hate. She was never quiet about her crush on the dude in question. She was changing him even when I was around – and it wasn’t for the better. I dread to think what he’s like now. Although, maybe seeing the new version would help me get over him, because I’m sure by now, he’s a totally different man. And I tell myself that every time I think of him. See – I’m trying to do the right thing!

So where do I go from here? What else can I do? I don’t look at his social media, if I start thinking about him, I quickly try to change my train of thought. I’m never going to get closure and find out why he pretended not to know me, and I’ve pretty much accepted that. Sadly, Vocal doesn’t have the option for comments – because I’d be really interested to get others’ opinions on this, and know if anyone else has ever been through this, and how they got over it.

I’m sick of pining over a man who denies I even exist.