Confessions logo

The Gift Card

My Secret Santa Sucks

By Susan KulkowitzPublished about a year ago 4 min read
Like
The Gift Card
Photo by Jesson Mata on Unsplash

The last 24hours I have been feeling punk, thinking about the Secret Santa gift exchange at my work. I got an email from my job 2 days before the "festivites" at work where we are gathering to party and all get our secret santa gifts. The email was a $25.00 Starbucks gift card. It read "Thanks for being a part of the staff. Signed ----the name of my place of work. Now Im not one to be ungrateful, and usually a $25.00 gift card would and did make me feel happy. For a minute. I immediately emailed my boss to say thank you. And then it dawned on me. Is that my gift? My Secret Santa Gift. An email with a gift card that I have to redeem at a store? So while everyone else at the work party will be opening thier actual gifts, I will be showing them my phone with my gift card. Ugh. For some reason this really hit me hard. It was one more impersonal way of not being seen.

When I was asked to participate in the secret santa gift exchange, I was worried. What would I get someone. I live in the boonies and my work is a ranch. Would I be able to pull it off? And then I remembered Etsey where you can buy pretty much anything. The person I was buying for is a man so I scrolled through multiple things on Etsey for men to find a gift of meaning for my co-worker.

Why did I do this? Because it felt right. It felt important. Like if it was going to be from me, it was going to be something that reflects the person I am getting the secret santa gift for. I really went out of my way. Even got his name engraved on it. I found cool wrapping paper and a bell to make the package look really cool. I even got a card! Which I signed, "Ho Ho Ho From you Secret Santa". This way if it ever gets back to him who gave him the gift I would be proud, I gave it my all. Stupid right. I'm feeling a little stupid right now. Why do I care that I got an amazingly inpersonal giftcard that could very well be the secret santa gift that I am recieving this year. Two days early. On an email. I tried to move forward and I thought about what I could get with my Starbucks card. Maybe a new mug. I just wish it was an actual card I could hold in my hands, maybe in a seasons greeting card. But not an email. I really dont know why this bothers me so much.

Maybe because my boyfriend dumped my two years ago in November. After both my parent's died one year after each other. Broke up my family for a couple of years when my father passed after my mom. Or maybe it was the lack of friends coming to my side to support me at that time. Or possibly the few so called friends who dumped me as well, because they couldn't deal with my crisis I guess. I dont really know. Could have been a month later December 18th to be exact, when I found my dog dead on the side of the road.

I mean how much can one person take before the most trivial of things become the biggest. It's that one straw. That one last straw. Should make you stronger and tougher and more resilient. I am none. I am broken. And somehow this email I got. This one silly email in relation to one silly work party. Became another straw. Another burden. Though the party is not until tomorrow now, and maybe it is not my secret santa gift. Maybe it was just a giftcard that the CEO's gave to everyone not just me, and I will still get a real gift tomorrow. You know I would trade that giftcard for an actual gift in a heartbeat. Even a stupid one, just to hold something real in my hands. Just to feel I was thought of. To shake it and listen, to smell it and wonder what it could be. To discuss the gift wrapping and compare with other's the size and shapes and weights of the packages. To guess what was inside and be surprised. To read the card.

And now I have to work through it so I can go to the party tomorrow and laugh and make jokes and drink eggnog with my work crew. And anticipate. Will I get a gift to hold. To feel seen. Thought of. Cause right now, I want who ever got me this gift card to know, that a giftcard to Starbucks is up there with one of the dumbest impersonal gifts you could give.

So I hope I can keep my shit together at the party and not say anything like, "is there a gift here for me?" after all the gifts are given and I have to pretend that I am ok with it. Fuck em. I will go to Starbucks and figure out how to use the scan thing etc. and surprise myself with something I didnt know I was getting from Starbucks. After all, I'm a very thoughtful person.

Workplace
Like

About the Creator

Susan Kulkowitz

Writing saves lives. Some of you will understand, as you may have already been saved by writing. Put it on paper. Interpretive Solidification. Make it real, Allow freedom in expression to be control. Weave your words. Save your life.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.