The Gamble of Online Dating

My desire for a new life partner became front and center. There's being alone and then there's loneliness. How long could I hold out talking to my dog like it was a human?

Super solo sucked.

Society tells us that we should socialize to the fullest. That those who are surrounded by people are the most successful and the happiest. These days, we're almost always connected, whether in person or through our phone screens and online social networks. But there's something to be said for solitude. "Being alone" doesn't necessarily mean "being lonely." In fact, spending time by yourself is an essential element of self-care. The key distinction between introversion and extroversion is how one recharges his or her energy stores; if you're an introvert, knowing that you need time alone is important for your well-being. - David Doochin Babel.com

How other cultures handled their idea of being alone I didn't care. I had ended my marriage.

Divorced one year, I had become isolated. Time alone no longer benefitted my well-being. There were clubs and resources out there in gregarious America but I didn't have the time nor the inclination.

Armed with the hope that I wasn't dreaming about finding a new life partner I put my PC to work. There were over one million women online in the United States alone only one email away!

My sister met her husband online.

Then there are the online dating statistics. It couldn't be that hard to meet someone?

Online dating has become increasingly popular in recent years. And the trend is expected to continue. 280 million online users of dating services were forecast for 2024. With 113 million users of matchmaking services and 70 million casual daters. The global revenue of matchmaking dating services is estimated at nearly 655 million U.S. dollars in 2020. And will hit over 2.5 billion U.S. dollars by 2024. - https://www.statista.com/topics/7443/online-dating/

As I scanned over the hundreds of available women in my area. It seemed unhealthy loneliness would soon be a forgotten song.

I had my doubts.

What were my chances that any sane woman would want a guy like me? I filled out my profile, posted it, and whistled Dixie. Slim, medium height. Writer. Divorced. Homeowner. Blah, blah, blah.

I met my first wife playing in a rock band. She became a groupie and one thing led to another. Naturally. An online dating profile felt like a job resume or an application for a mortgage.

Financially, the reality was less appealing. I had pursued various callings in the Arts. Which imbued me with knowledge and character left me with meager assets.

Requiring explanation at that special moment of trust? I also carried the misfortune to have a problematic health issue. My virus problem was manageable but not something you want to layout on the first date.

As I read the many lonely hearts club band profiles of American women seeking men my optimism shrank. I found it awkward to reply to a set of compressed "About Me" questions.

Looking for Spartan Man, 6'2 jock, breadwinner, must be honest, handsome, brains optional.

To introduce myself. Winked, waved, email, and anything else allowed in cyberspace on a dating site. The results were disheartening. Was I flat-out undesirable or weird? Did I think too much of myself? Or did I know what I wanted - like them, unrealistic and too picky?

In the first week of joining, "Heart Throb" dot com my inbox soared with 488 hits.

I got one wink. Her name was Amy. She was an award-winning poet from China. Recently gained tenure with a major university teaching writing in an MFA program.

I had an MFA degree in writing too. My soul mate! The email went back and forth in a frenzy. I bought her book "The Last Communist Virgin in China" and got all excited. I had a date!

I finally got the invite to her house.

She was much older in person. The reason I guessed she broke the dating rules and posted a much younger photo in her profile.

Also not in her profile as she had two young boys. Both were upstairs watching the movie "Kill Bill." It was difficult to make small talk over the loud clanking of a samurai sword. She served me a bowl of cold soup? I guess I was late. I did something right because she invited me to her huge on-campus office. The walls were lined with books. Many I recognized. I asked her what she thought of so and so writer. She said never read them.

When she asked me why I drove a truck versus what my writing was about I knew this was the income test. How much money did I make? What did I do for a living? Straight to the jugular vein.

And so it was with Valerie, Marcy, and Lou. Do women handle loneliness differently than men? The trauma dramas, the power daters, the self-help writers digging for material?

The dating profiles began to look similar.

Personal & spiritual growth enthusiast!

Active within 5 days

· seeking men 35–55

Relationships:

· Currently Separated

Have kids:

· Yes, and sometimes they live at home (2)

In my own words

Personal & spiritual growth enthusiast! Love deep conversations, sitting in silence, and giggling. Intelligent, articulate, business professional, yoga teacher, and love nature. No interest in pop culture, violence, sports nor politics.

my job:

Part-time membership director for a not-for-profit (500 members) in downtown Madison.

my religion:

Unity Church, very open, liberal, inclusive Christian-based belief system. Yoga background.

my education:

Bachelors of Business Administration: Marketing/International Business

favorite hot spots:

Worldwide travel (student in Japan.) Worked in Poland and Peace Corps in Togo. West Africa and vacations elsewhere, Yet several places yet to see! Local favorites State Street area, lakes, and parks.

favorite things:

Unity Church, emailing, journaling, walks in nature, non-caffeinated beverages only, any ethnic foods!

About my life and what I'm looking for

I believe all is in Divine Order, unfolding perfectly, and love to receive the "ah-ha" wisdom from the Source. My perfect match would respect. Understand, support, encourage and remind me of that when needed. My perfect match would encourage me to choose love over fear. Every time and recognize the difference. About me continued:

Unpredictable. Genuine. Sassy. Sophisticated. Granola. Businesswoman. Spiritual. Wild Spirit. Chatty. Silent. Local. Global. Trusting. Loving. Open to all life has to offer…WHATEVER! JAI MATRIARCHY! Preferences (but I'm pretty flexible!): Incense over air fresheners New age spiritual, reggae, 80's over hip hop, country or jazz Silence over background noise like TV Gold over silver Flowers over candy Walk over bike Parks over bars Salt over sugar Summer over winter Order over clutter Juice/Milk/Water over soda/alcohol Dogs over cats Toyota over Ford Email over phone Myspace over Facebook Romantic or Comedy over horror/sci-fi Leg sports over arm sports Chicken over tofu Authentic ethnic over fast food In a pinch, Culvers over McDonald's International over domestic travel.

About me

Blonde. Green Eyes. Pierced ear(s).

Sports and exercise:

Dancing. In-line skating. Running. Walking / Hiking. Yoga. Skiing

Interests

Business networking. Camping. Dining out. Religion/Spiritual Travel/Sightseeing.

Education:

Bachelors degree

Occupation:

Executive / Management

Income:

$35,001 to $50,000

Languages:

English. French. Japanese. Spanish. Other

Politics:

· Liberal

Sign:

· Virgo

What a match! But shit, she's a Virgo!

No answer.

After a year no one can say I didn't try. I resigned myself to a whatever may come philosophy. Super solo as many people do.

Then I met a guy who was overweight by 300 pounds. He had significant health issues, dare I say not good looking, not too bright, and a low-income wage earner. He had a mail-order wife from the Philippines. She appeared to be a nice lady and I assumed they got along. A year later she divorced him after she got her Green Card.

After hearing my dating stories. He gave me the URL for a Filipino dating site called Cherry Blossoms dot com. He said it would solve my love life problem?

I joined the site and was bombarded by women half my age. As long as I was American and single they all loved me. Not much else mattered. I went from an undesirable to a movie star in a mouse click.

I met Nancy. She was a fluent English speaker and a licensed Filipino dentist. She was pretty, polite, and we jelled. I talked to her for two years online. And visited her twice. I thought I vetted her well before the big marriage question and immigration.

She was nervous about it but finally accepted. Once she moved in there was a complete change. She didn't want to work. Became withdrawn and moody. Accused me of trying to make her a slave. Sharing an income with a spouse was something new to her. She didn't like or want to hang out with other Filipino women. When it came time to have a courthouse wedding she was reluctant.

I don't place any blame on her. I pushed it along. I paid for American dental school training. Taught her how to drive. I also took her out of her comfort zone and thrust her into a new reality.

After the marriage, she acted unhappily. I didn't know what she wanted. I tried. According to Jessica Wildfire "Nobody is Ever "Ready" for a Relationship, and Nobody Knows What They Want."

One night she didn't come to bed and I snuck out to catch her online in a sex chat room with another man. She was watching him masturbate. Old fantasies are hard to beat? (pardon the pun).

Second guess. Our relationship was a fabrication of my ego?

The divorce rate for mail-order marriages is less than domestic. Many immigrated marriages do work out.

I wouldn't be among the winners.

I told her it best she go home. I got the divorce papers. She signed without a fuss. Asked me to ship her boxes of clothes. She could sell the wedding ring. Return to the Philippines. I never heard from her again.

Cupid had a new customer.