The Former

What is it like to be loved? Is it to be understood? To be seen? What is it to feel love? To feel the warmth of another being and know the depths of love. I felt it once, just once. My mother was cold and distant; no, that was not love. My father was warm and full of life. My father was a liar; no, that was not love. Love escaped me, ran and hid from me. I tried to reach it; I just wanted a taste. I wish I had never tasted love. This hollowness in my core that's been around since the very beginning. How do I even begin to understand how to fill that hole? You knew how; you didn't even have to try.

The night we met we parked at the look out with our food and talked for 3 hours. I was shaking I was so nervous telling you everything I could think about me while listening to everything you could think about you. It was 2 days after Christmas; there was a light snow on the ground. You wore your black jacket that reminded me of Dean Winchester. You listened to me; no, you didn't just listen; you understood; you had compassion.

I didn't intend to fall for you; Gods knew I had enough going on in my life. I didn't need Love on top of it. But love doesn't even begin to explain what I grew to feel for you. Dancing in my kitchen, singing every lyric of every song in every car ride. Sneaking sleepovers, staying up past midnight talking and making love. And somehow through all this, I was unequivocally me; I hung out with my friends, my family, I had my life, you were just the incredible bonus. You never got mad at me for having my life, never made me feel bad, never once gave me any reason to doubt you. You held me while I cried, you supported me when I needed you, and I did the same for you. We were impulsive and crazy at times, but gods did I love every second with you. I can still see your blue eyes looking so deeply into mine. Oh, how I could hold your gaze for hours at a time, and we did. Lying in bed, talking about everything and anything, looking into each other's eyes and souls. Hearing every word, reflecting and understanding. Gods I needed you like a flower needing rain. You watered me in ways no one could replicate. So why did you leave me?

It has been two years, and I will never forget the feeling of love. Something robbed from me, finally gifted just to be stolen again. There's no use; no one will ever be you. I fought and I fought to make you understand what we had was special and not to throw it away. You apologized for igniting the love within my heart and not being able to foster it. But you see, you did not awaken the love within my heart; my heart has been pouring out love from before we ever touched lips. What you did do was ignite an ache that will never be dulled or silenced. So much love in this broken heart and nowhere to go. Where do I begin to explain that you have made me feel something my own mother failed to? That everyone before you was a trick, a lie; how many times before did I think I found it? I was out of my mind. I thought that was love? I have been loved, of course I have been loved, but to feel loved, to feel love in every fiber of my being, to feel the warmth course through my body like fire. That has only ever been felt with you, my love.

Life moves on, so why can't I? I have moved states twice; I have lived a life some people can only dream about. I have worked my butt off day and night to be better, a better person, friend, and lover. I have pushed myself to new heights and new limits. So why is the hollowness still there? Why did it have to come back and haunt me? My screams saying "baby, please don't leave me" echo in my dreams. Your laugh, your smile live in my head like they own the place. All this progress and I still can't escape you.

Why can't I move on? How do I even begin to forget? Or maybe, I'll miss you for the rest of my life.