The best of a Mother
Mothers are riddles and conundrums wrapped within their beautiful halos. Happy Mother's day to all the mothers.
Mother! Woman! Nurturer! Awesome Strength! Every woman!
Admiration, poise, grace and kindness. Qualities of you!
Thank you for being my mother. For the years of toil and strife and loving care, balancing life's hardships with strength and fortitude.
You were there at the beginning, when I was but a twinkling star high up in the sky. You will always be there even after your forever eyes are closed. Lovingly sojourned, you have now gone to your final rest, still you linger in every kindness, every fragrant breath, every proffered reach of a stranger's hand to aid me along my life's journey.
For every good deed that returns to me, I say "I am lucky because I live in the shadows of my mother's many kindhearted gestures throughout her life to all those who knew her and loved her". Armed with this unshakable knowledge, I have survived many pitfalls and dangers which would otherwise have carried seemingly unsurmountable odds.
You sacrificed and denied yourself , aided, sheltered, fed and comforted everyone that passed through your life seeking a helping hand. You made us deny ourselves many times, so that another could benefit from the succor of our sparse but yet not wanting table. You did not, would not, entertain the word 'no'.
Still, your life was infused with dotted bouts of misery, having to endure unhappiness entwined within your silent long suffering moments of turbulence. You endured in quiet humility, only once did I see you arise and voice your pain in strong words of defense. I was so proud of you then. For in that moment I realized the real depth of your heartache, and what it was that you truly endured for us all. Yet, still, you kept going. Families all have their stories.
Despite all the well worded and guardedly sung praises and songs that I will forever sing to your greatness, I do have something to say.
You were sent home too early, your body decried the stress and pain that broke your heart from the heavy responsibility of shouldering the burdens of so many. You could not be dissuaded from being all to everyone, you would not rest, such a stubborn, willful mother of earth.
How you found the strength to do it all, I do not know. We were not rich, we scrimped and saved, yet out of nothing you made a great many somethings. You juggled and gave and gave. It seemed like you possessed a magical goblet that just kept refilling itself. My childhood and formative years into pre adulthood were kind of long drawn out blurs. People came and went through your revolving door of aid and hospitality on an ongoing basis.
My only wish was that I had felt a closer kinship with you. The demand on your time was endless. I was cared for, kept relatively safe,(some of those that you helped were pretty scary), schooled, fed, and housed. Nevertheless, I grew up with a keen sense of insecurity. An insecurity that was not shaken off or shed until I had endured a world of hurt and pain. Learning all the nuances of becoming a positive well rounded person on my own took too long for me to come to a path of peace with who I am in a timely manner.
I should not envy the help that you gave to the many. But in doing so, the needs of the few, your children, now seem in hindsight, to have been lacking in hugs and time spent in the nurturing of our impressionable, developing minds.
As an adult, and looking back at the quarrels, squabbles and contretemps on the other side of the door, of which there were many, I realize this was also a cause for insecurities all around. Things maybe just needed a balance wherein everyone felt equally supported.
Were we being unfair to you. Did we want to change who you were? Your intrinsic nature was one of kind heartedness, I just think that some better time management was all that we really needed from you. Could it also be that you gave all that you had and there was no more, perhaps you were not equipped to give us something that you did not always readily have. Maybe you did give us your all. I still love you no matter what.
Lines to a golden eaglet
I would wish you the range of the eaglet's eye,
The strength of his wings that your spirit may fly
Over all of life's turmoil -- your purpose held high.
I would wish you the courage to walk unafraid
Wearing proudly the symbol of your accolade.
(Birdsall Otis Edey - Girl scouts eaglets)
Maybe your childhood had been just as flawed. I wish that you were here to discuss this issue and add your insight to the unanswered questions.
So between the turbulence, the busy nature of your charitable work (I am still happy to have known and shared such a kind heart as yours), and trying to grow up, I did not learn the social skills that were to assist me in the world outside my home. My relationships have suffered. I closed myself off and was afraid to let anyone in for a long time. I had some bad experiences which contributed to this behavior. People can be mean sometimes.
I may have done some questionably bad things along the way to finding myself. You see, I.....umm! Well I.....! What I am trying to say is.....! Nope. Can't do it, mother. They are too hurtful to share, it causes too much pain. I am not ready. I may never tell it to anyone but you. Face to face. I will wait until I see you in person on the other side. Or maybe it won't matter by then anyway.
I also met some really great people along life's road. It helps a little to make up for the bad parts. I also know that my grouse is nothing compared to the horrors that other people have endured. My heart goes out to them. But big or small, we all still have some hang up that we need to share so that we can clear away the cobwebs, and get on with our lives.
You were a great mother, you just had too many persons to mother. I wish that I had spent a lot more time just sitting and having little girlish conversations with you. The type that mothers and daughters ought to have had. But, you did what you had to do. We each play our part with the hand that we are dealt.
You wanna know the funny thing though mother. I am a lot like you through and through. I do deny myself to aid others sometimes. I am trying not to get caught up in not taking time for myself though. It will happen if one is not careful and mindful of the toll it takes on one's body personally.
I feel that I fall into the habit of not hugging those around me enough. I strive to remember the effect that not doing so enough had on me.
Hugging does not come naturally for me. Sometimes I must force myself out of my hermit-like state of mind and pay those hugs forward. It is after all a great investment towards the well being of others in my life.
Wherever you are, I am positive that you are still embracing others while keeping a close eye on those waiting to see you.
You took on a great big herculean task of trying to help and save everyone. Thankfully, now you have the wings to flit and soar and touch everyone in the happy ways that are just you.
Goodbye for now dear mother. Rest now as you never did on this side of the parallel. I know that you are smiling at my pouting and complaining. I know, because if you came back here, you would do it all over again the same way that you did before. Or happily this time would be better, we could have this candid conversation, and maybe fix a few things.
You are and will ever be an earthly angel of a mother.
Happy Mother's day.