The Armor of Cruelty: How Childhood Trauma Forged a Popular Girl’s Mask

I dated my friend's crush, I spread rumours, I anonymously went on the school's confession page and revealed some of my best friend's secrets, and I made a lot of backhanded compliments. I collected some unattractive girls and manipulated them to do things for me, not bullied them, but manipulated so they would willingly do it. I dated two guys at the same time. I dated my friend's ex. I love-bombed guys and then ghosted them. I spread rumours about myself on the school's anonymous confession page. I did all of this just for the sake of becoming popular in high school. Which I did, of course, after doing all of this. Of course, I became popular. But not any of this will excuse what I did, but u should hear some backstory, and I'll explain all of this.

Until the age of 7, I was considered a really funny and bubbly child, but when I came into second grade, everything changed. My teacher targeted me a lot. For example, she used to beat the shit out of me. What was bad is that, she used to teach us all the subjects, and she was our class teacher cuz we were only in 2nd grade. One time, she took a multiplication test I got a really good score, so she asked if I cheated. She wasn't convinced, so she wrote a question on the board and asked me to solve it in front of everyone. I got nervous and got the wrong answer. She grabbed me by the hair, pulled my head back and punched me, then pushed me away and slapped me three times in front of everyone. One time, it got so bad that I lost one of my teeth when she slapped me. Lucky for me, it was a milk tooth, and a new one came. She used to make me sit in the far corner of class, alone. I lost all of my friends.

Seeing this, three boys in my class started to bully. They used to come to my seat during the last period (that was the only time where the teacher wasn't there) and said mean things to me. I used to sit alone and didn't have anything to do. I just fiddled with my handkerchief. They took it, threw it in the bin, took it out, and rubbed it on my face. Ripped my notebook and threw my pencils out the window. And I just used to cry. Eventually, I told my parents bout this and they went to the principal, and she called the boys, and I got really scared that they would cause even more trouble now, so out of the three guys, the one who used to mostly stand behind and laugh, I said he did everything, and these two never did anything. I was really scared, even tho, those boys were prolly 8-9 years old. One of the guys told me I should burn and die. One girl, every time I accidentally touched her, like standing behind her in a line and accidentally touching her by mistake, she would shriek away and say "eww you disgusting things eww" that hurt so much cuz why did she consider me disgusting? And still, she used to eat all of my lunch.

I never told anyone about this, cuz no one believes that 2nd graders would do such a thing. This ruined my self-image and confidence for so long that I became a really introverted, shy, anxious person in high school and never got any male attention after that whatsoever, even after I changed schools. But then, after 10th grade, I changed schools again. And in 11th grade, I thought this was enough. I got out of my shell, made so many friends, started talking to different guys, became a part of many groups, had so many guy friends, and became the "popular girl". And now, in 12th grade, the last year of school, I am popular and some people consider me "mean." I don't outright bully people. But I sometimes, make backhanded compliments, some remarks and caused some drama. Cuz I think that makes me feel and look confident, and no one can do those things to me again. Even after so many years, after having the "GLOW UP" gaining popularity, guys, friends, and gained confidence. A moment of being left out makes me overthink everything. (Please ignore any grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language)