Thank you

I’m only 44 years old and I’ve been through many trials and tribulations in my short life so far. The one thing that they have taught me is that my biggest fear is being who I truly am because I feel I would be judged and rejected. According to the many expectations that my loved ones had for me, I feel like a failure. According to the talents and abilities that others saw in me that I didn’t use, I feel worthless. Would haves, could haves, and should haves haunt my mind every single minute of every day. At this point in my life, I feel like I have more time behind me than I have ahead of me. And yet as I am here today in my forties, I see it as a miracle because in my twenties, I didn’t think I would live this long. So, this open letter is to everyone who has nurtured me, energized me, corrected me. To the ones who saw and believed things for me and in me that I am still struggling to see in myself. And to those who see me for who I truly am and love me unconditionally. I pray that before your eyes close that I will make you proud.

Thank you for reminding me that I am beautiful; growing up in a culture where light skin and long, “good hair” is desired was not easy for a dark-skinned girl with coarse short hair. Yet your compliments that I was a pretty black gal with a beautiful smile gave me the grace to accept a compliment with a simple thank you without a self-deprecating commentary behind it. I still struggle with believing I am beautiful and am learning self-acceptance about my looks; there’s no need to complain about my looks if I’m not going to do anything about them (namely my weight). You helped me to be comfortable in my skin and to thank God for how He uniquely made me.

Thank you for encouraging me to keep living when I wanted to die. At my most dire times, namely when I wanted to commit suicide, no one answered their phone, or I was too prideful or ashamed to admit my true feelings to anyone. I suffered in silence, loneliness, and despair over my past. Yet that text, that phone call that you may consider insignificant, was right on time and I treasure them because they literally saved my life. All the “I’m praying for you”, “I love you” or “Are you ok” reminded me that there was someone out there who cared for me. At times when I feel alone most of the time, it is a comfort to feel that I matter to someone, even if it is just one person.

Thank you for the time you invested in me. Teaching me new things, teaching me God’s word, and just spending time with me eased my lonely heart. Your mentorship taught me how to live a successful life. Even though I strayed from your encouragements and teachings, I never forgot them. My fondest memories are of those times I spent under your tutelage. I apologize for letting you down; yet I promise that Lord willing, before your and my eyes close, that hopefully you will be proud of me one day. Even though I have yet to live up to my fullest possibility, the lessons that I’ve been taught through life’s experience, the wisdom of elders, and the encouragement and life spoken into me by mentors who cheered me on live in my mind and heart. Someday, I can only hope to be to someone else who you have been to me.