She, The Green Light

It was never supposed to end this way. I was supposed to be there or he was supposed to be here. We were supposed to be happy. I don't know how the hell we ended up here.

We used to talk for hours through the night about how the world seemed to be one big system and how we must be the glitches. And though the marijuana smoke clouded the windows of our too-small black car, it freed our minds. No one could understand what It was that we had and I realize, they were never supposed to. Because you could travel around the world a million times and still never find a love like the one that we shared. The one that we still do. Wherever he is.

You see, everyone knows that with loving someone comes pain. No matter how many times you break up, no matter how much whatever happened this time hurt you, you just can't seem to stop loving them. You think about them day in and day out and everything you see or hear reminds you of them. Until one day, when it seems Mother Universe has given you no choice. You move on.

You move on because you learn to put yourself first. You move on because all those red lights you ignored in the past start to haunt you. He was my biggest, brightest, red light; spiritual wearing a flashing warning sign that I chose to ignore because...I was his green. Spiritually my sign said, "Come to me. I'll make you feel good about yourself." So he'd come. Again, and again, and again.

My green light lit him up like a Christmas tree. In my eyes, he started to become a dull, and I mean dull, yellow. He was still very dangerous in those moments but closer to my green than his red...right? Yellow, even if it was the dullest shade, I could settle for because I knew the green that I was then could be blinding. This is also why I've grown to accept this separation. Because my green back then, ain't got shit on the green that I am now. Since being apart from him, I've moved a few shades up the spectrum. He's not here to taint me anymore.

I still think about him, from all the way over here. And when I do, I know he can feel my green light. He can sense that it's brighter and more powerful than it was before. I imagine his red, hissing and curling away from it, but I am too bright to resist, so I know that he still thinks about me too. He has to remember all the nights he got to spend in yellow because of me. The color of the sun, the color of a star. That yellow, compared to his red, must be impossible to forget. Even if it was, the dullest shade.

So it goes on. The effortless push and pull of our colors, though we're miles and miles apart. The forbidden dance that I still struggle to resist. But who doesn't like to dip their toe into something that's usually foreign to them? To blend your colors with another, the way a painter does with his brush to the paint on his pallet. It's liberating to have the option to blend. The choice to create new shades even if they are never as bright as the originals. We never stop trying though. We never stop trying to create something that's deeper than his red and brighter than my green. But all we will ever get is yellow. The dullest shade.