Self Worth Over my 'Blind' Date

It all started with a message. I'd been feeling lonely and decided to try dating apps. I was feeling a bit desperate and it was a time in my life where I was still finding myself, I was a little anxious and didn't have all that much self confidence.

There was a match, I didn't know my preferences, I had and still have an open mind I almost sent a like to everyone on the app even those I hardly had anything in common with. That was a mistake.

Billy lets call him. Billy matched with me, although it said in my bio I prefer people messaging first due to me being anxious, sometimes not even feeling worthy enough to talk to others my self confidence was so bad, but I ended up messaging him first. I was longing to see new people and possibly find love. We didn't have much in common and chatted casually until bam "You make art? I like to make art sometimes too" Billy messaged, bingo that's the key to my heart, being a fellow creative. Thrilled my mind skimmed over the "sometimes" and decided he should be someone I invite out on a date.

My friend within an LGBTQ+ I'm a part of gave me a great idea. "I've got free tickets for my cabaret night if you want to come" Perfect I'll invite him to that, where is it? oh yeah at the pier I know where that is. I suppressed my anxiety and invited him along, with a "sure" in response it was solidified. This was going to happen.

~The date~

So I had to get a bus and make a change to get to the location, easy. I got on the bus that took me to the pier. On the way I got increasingly aware that my phone charge was getting pretty low. I was sure it would be fine, I'd rushed out the house and not charged it enough but I thought I had enough to last. Oh how wrong I was.

I rang him "where are you?" I said "At the pier" he replied "Where abouts?" "At the entrance" I was at the entrance too "I'm standing next to a giant ice-cream" I said standing next to a worn novelty large plastic ice-cream "what ice-cream..." He replied. It dawned on me, this wasn't the only pier in the area, there was another one very far up the road. I gave him the directions but failed to follow them myself as I thought I knew where I was going. I glanced at my phone, the charge was at one percent. I heard my voice quiver with panic as I explained to him I'm at the wrong pier, my panic not helped by how nonchalantly he spoke back to me, I was hoping for some giggles or pity in his voice to calm my nerves. But there was none. I texted him my mums number in case anything went wrong and I needed to ring her, my phone wasn't going to survive. Being late wasn't going to be a good first impression so I knew what to do. I shoved my phone in my pocket and the sprint was on.

I ran. Fast. The other pier was ages away but I didn't want to keep him waiting. I ran and ran and ran until my legs where in pain. When I finally got to him I was panting and dying for water. "Wow" genuine emotion breaking Billy's nonchalant tone "That was really quick even though you where so far away" he said sounding impressed. I apologised profusely but he seemed alright with it, at least I hope he was.

Tired I sat on a bench with him after grabbing a fizzy drink. It was awkward, he didn't talk much. I looked around to see if anything could help conversation, there where a lot of dog walkers about so we talked about dogs for a bit, the conversation ran dry fast, almost as dry as my throat was. We relocated onto the pier. I tried once again to make him talk more " ew jellied eels" I said pointing at a restaurant sign, I laughed "they don't sound appetising, does anyone actually eat those?" "Wait didn't you mention you where vegan?" He responded. I had mentioned via message briefly, he was correct, in my mind I wondered how that was relevant. As someone vegan I'm still allowed to talk about how people still eat animals, its not like vegans are the majority but that didn't matter as he'd pushed me onto another conversation starter. He'd actually responded to me so I thought, why not talk about veganism? Another mistake.

I very much know as a vegan that a lot of people don't like to hear about veganism and are set in their ways, they can get defensive, annoyed and aggressive over hearing about it but at least I was getting responses from him and the conversation wasn't completely one sided. "why are you vegan?" he asked "many reasons, why do you eat meat?" "I don't have to tell you that" "I mean that is true..." Uh oh, the conversation was drying up again and he sounded defensive but I'd ran out of things to talk about. I continued to talk about veganism whilst my mind yelled shut up. "Are you alright with me talking about this? I know some people don't like to hear about it" I asked "Oh no its fine I don't mind" I continued and repeated this question multiple times until. "Oh" Billy looked at his phone "What?" I asked concerned "My sister needs a lift from the doctors" He said. He had driven such a long way to get here and his sister was all the way back where he lived.

"Can't you get someone else to pick her up?" "She's tried ringing other people but they're all busy" By this time my phone had passed away and lay dead in my pocket, the cabaret night hadn't even started yet. "Are you sure? tell her to keep trying" He nodded and... wait, he can't be serious. My gut dropped to see him poorly attempt to pretend type. He wasn't even texting his sister. I realised he wanted to leave and it seemed like this was his excuse to, he was lying to get away from me... "Sorry I need to go collect her no-one else can" I'd gone silent, it felt like my heart was withering like a dying rose I could barely let out the word "o-ok". He agreed to walk into a bar on the pier and get one of the staff to write down my mums number so I could call her if I needed, my covid mask covering my frown, my big self pitying eyes glaring at the boardwalks straining not to let out tears. For a moment he gave me a look of pity and said "I'm sure we can arrange to meet another time" I said nothing, he gave me a half hearted hug and left me on the pier alone with a dead phone.

Some friend's of mine where coming along and I waited for them to relieve me of my loneliness, As I waited I saw people dressed up glamorously arriving for the cabaret whilst I paced about with tears finally escaping my eyes, I felt so self conscious and aware that there may be people watching me and I knew that my friends where expecting to see me with a date. I could imagine their excitement as they wondered who he'd be.

They arrived. I forced a fake smile as they approached me with genuine ones. The dreaded question came and broke the fake smile "Where's your date?"

As I cried and rubbed my tears on my sleeve my friend Rob patted my back and said "Oh cheer up chicken" we went into the cabaret night and got some drinks. I felt better being with my friends and the show started. I had a mix of emotions rushing through my mind. I saw people eating burgers I presumed weren't vegan and a spiteful thought crossed my mind "If he'd have stayed I would've brought him one even though they aren't vegan, his loss"

The show was amazing, friends of friends came along and brought me drinks, the performers on stage where so talented and jaw dropping, on the pier afterwards strangers came up to me and complimented my appearance and two lovely women offered me a lift back. My date really missed an amazing night and to top it all off on the drive back beautiful fireworks where set off on the beach. I joined the women in singing to the radio.

The experience felt painful for a while and I kept replaying it in my mind and overthinking "I should've checked better to se what pier it was", "I should've charged my phone more", "I shouldn't have talked about veganism", "Did he really hate me?"

Sometimes I like to say to myself or to others with doubts "Should've, could've, would've didn't" emphasis on the "didn't" the "didn't" to me is acceptance, you can't change the past, what is don't is done so there's no point in worrying about it. As for my date there is also no point in worrying what he thinks. That was a valuable experience for me and I now have a story to tell from it. It helped me learn that I don't exist to please other people, I should be myself and if others don't like me for it, it's their loss, I've found so many amazing people to spend my time with who love me for who I am since the date. I've built up my confidence and I speak my mind. I love myself for being open minded which Billy was not and now he's missing out on the real authentic me. I know my value, I don't need to chase after people and cower at the fear that I might not be accepted. I am me and no-one can change that.

Enjoy your jellied eels Billy, me and my friends are haven't a vegan feast for the kings. Or should I say Queens? (now imagine me doing a flamboyant hair flick)

Know your worth as people out there love you for it.

Thanks for reading :)