Revolting Stories Of Sex And Disgust From A Fly On The Wall

If you have ever seen the show sex sent me to the E.R. then you know emergency rooms are prone to seeing the impossible to believe. Watching the show reminded me of some of the stories that I knew were true and some of the greats that I have heard from other credible sources. For years I was like a "Fly On The Wall," as I got to see, hear, and experience the best, worst, and bizarre of what goes on in some of America's centers of healing.

The Potato Incident

From a small town in West Central Illinois comes the story of a sexual assault that was ruled unfounded after further investigation.

A man walks into the emergency room, admittedly walking in distress as he made his way past the security checkpoint. Once inside the E.R. he explains to the doctors why he's there. The doctors then call for a police officer, initially believing that a crime has been committed. While the doctor is in the examination room, treating the poor man, the police arrive and are given the information.

When the poor patient was at the grocery store shopping he was cornered in the parking lot by some rascally teenagers. One of the youths stops him and pushes him against the side of his car, picking his pockets clean as his other two friends stand menacingly by, watching the crime unfold. They didn't just rob the poor guy. The three teens pulled down the man's pants and then proceeded to stuff three potatoes in his rectum. Amazed the man could on his own accord walk into the hospital and appalled at the alleged assault, the officer stands by until the doctor came out of the examination room.

When the doctor exited the examination room, three potatoes in a clear plastic bag, he stopped and greeted the officer. The officer began to put on some gloves, to collect the evidence with, before the doctor told him he didn't need to bother.

"I think you can call this unfounded," he suggested to the officer.

"Why's that?" the curious cop asked.

Holding up the alleged evidence the doctor explained, "Because I seriously doubt that those kids stopped to peel the potatoes in the grocery store parking lot before they put them in his ass."

Hefty, Hefty, Hefty

It's sad when people allow themselves to go to pieces and some do have physical and mental health issues that don't make keeping themselves in shape any easier.

A little south of the hospital where the potato incident occurred there is a level two trauma center that is in the center of town. One night, while there, a woman came into the hospital feeling ill. Unfortunately, this poor lady needed more than just medical help. The doctors ordered x-rays. The average x-ray table is about 42 inches wide. This old gal went to the x-ray department on the hospital bed and the two girls in the x-ray department that night couldn't get her onto the table.

"Mr. Strong to radiology, Mr. Strong to radiology," the PBX operator called over the hospital intercom. It was an alert that summoned all on duty and available males to the area of the announcement. Normally this meant there was a hostile person so at two o'clock in the morning, as the night was unusually quiet, nine guys including maintenance and security arrived to assist. Not a good day to be an unhealthy four hundred pound woman at five foot six inches.

Jolly Old St. Nick Got His Jollies

A security guard checks in for the beginning of his shift. It's a little after ten o'clock in the evening and his buddy on the other side of the building calls him.

Security Guard: "What can I do for you, Troy?"

Nurse Troy: "There's someone fooling around in the bottom of the north stairwell. I thought you might want to check it out."

Security Guard: "Sure, but what do you mean fooling around??

Nurse Troy: "All I can see is skin, buddy," Nurse Troy laughed.

Going to the north stairwell it was obvious to the guard that it had been going on for a while. He had to pass through the lab and the girls in the lab were all having a pretty good chuckle. As he went through the lab to the door to the staircase the girls applauded, saying, "Our Hero."

Standing at the top of the stairs the security guard yelled, "Everybody needs to get their clothes on and come up here."

After some rustling around down there, the two staircase lovers came strolling up the stairs a little winded and red in the face. The woman worked in the x-ray department. She was about thirty years old, blonde, athletic, and had gorgeous blue eyes. It was her partner that left an indelible memory. The male looked like he was in his seventies. His hair was long and snowy white. He had a large bulbous belly and a bright red jacket.

When the guard told the x-ray girl she should get back to work she turned and said, "Thanks Santa."

The next day Santa was back at the local mall as the guard took his son out for a picture on the old mans' lap.

Don't Date At Work

It takes all kinds to work in emergency rooms or hospitals, to begin with. Only a special breed can deal with the grief and trauma at these places of healing. When they're not overworked and the world is peaceful, their imaginations run wild, and their pranks are brutal. As was the case when the head of security was attacked by a mental patient. The twenty-three-year-old security chief had been there two years. He was dating the hotty from the laboratory and the two were having a torrid romance.

One night before work the two tore into one another like they were starving and each one was a steak. The sexually ravenous forty-five-year-old Susie tore into her boy toy like a child ripping into presents on Christmas morning. He was used to being a little sore after their interludes. Especially if he was on top as she would victimize his backside with her talon-like fingernails. So, after getting into a fight with a mental patient who had bit and clawed the poor young man, the young head of security needed to go down to the E.R. to get his wounds looked at.

Nurse: "Go ahead and take off your shirt."

Security Guard: "Sure."

As the young guard removed his shirt the nurse looked at the wounds. She walked around the bed, making notes for the file. The bite mark on his arm needed to be cleaned and a tetanus shot. Some of the scratching on his ribs might need a stitch. Then she saw his back.

Nurse: "Got you pretty good."

Security Guard: "He didn't get my back."

Nurse: "Then what are these?"

Security Guard: "Personal."

Three more nursing staff come into the room along with the head nurse of the emergency room.

Head Nurse: "Alright Jay, drop your pants," the head nurse said.

Security Guard: "Why?"

Nurse #2: "We're going to give you a tetanus shot."

Security Guard: "Oh, alright."

Tetanus shots should be given more often or come with instructions. They go in the arm.

The Joke About A Parrot

An old man walked into a bar. He sat down and waited for the bartender to come around. While he waited he looked around the room. It hadn't changed since the war. He loved the Pacific Islands and was knocking visiting his old army base off of his bucket list. When the bartender came back he ordered a shot of whiskey and a beer.

While the bartender filled his drink order he looked around more, stopping at the guy sitting next to him. He was a younger guy, maybe thirty-five, built and wearing a mohawk hair cut painted red, yellow, green, and blue. The old man chuckled to himself as the bartender pushed his drinks to him. The younger guy noticed that the old man had spent a lot of time looking at his appearance. He found it annoying.

"What," he said. "Haven't you ever done anything crazy?"

The old man thought about it and nodded. In fact, he had once been a wild and crazy guy, prone to flights of spontaneous fancy, and realized he was being judgemental. He promptly apologized and turned his attention to his drink order.

"Well," the young man asked, "what did you do?"

"Well, to be fair, when I was here thirty-five years ago, I was quite the party boy. The last time I was in this bar I actually got so ripped and roaring drunk that I fucked a parrot," the old man explained.

"Yeah," the young man said. "What happened?"

"I don't remember much," the old man told him, "but looking at you, I'm half afraid you might be my son."

One slow and quiet night, the attending physician in the emergency room told this joke and it was like a cop saying it was quiet while on patrol. Twenty minutes later the local ambulance company brought in a combative patient. His head was in a pillowcase because he was a spitter. When we took the case off, the kid was wearing a mohawk, painted red, yellow, blue, and green.

These stories are both entertaining and a little sad, but true stories about the humans I have encountered throughout my career. If you enjoyed reading them please leave a heart, a tip, or both. There are a lot more true tales that I have experienced firsthand. I spent two years working in one of the hospitals before going into law enforcement so if this story is received well I'll do a follow-up.