Return to 8 to 5

I am not sure how to state the way I feel with the changes happening around me. I am at a point in life where I have to walk carefully. Often, a teacher is held to a higher moral standard in our Native society. I have to walk with my peers and listen to their stories. I have to walk with integrity for the youth is watching and, one day, may become a student. I have to walk the red road to keep me grounded and on track as I assist others navigate all the changes they are experiencing too.

I measure every move I make for its level of expenditure it will cost my being. This past year has shown me that the more I push the harder the hit the universe has to administer to get me to stop. I love to be busy and I am an over achiever. I am one who pushes myself to near self-destruction. I see a vision of the end goal and I push, struggle, learn, huff and puff until I see the project finished. I have learned to say, "Let me think about your request." I will not move or give a response until I can see a healthy route to completing the project now. If I know the project is not worth obsession, I will not accept it anymore. I am worthy of self-care. I too am important. Believe me when I say, "I can or I cant right now."

What will the cost be if I participate in a group or agree to take on new projects. I am a bit of a Diva. I like things my way and group project just send shivers up my spine. However, now, I am ordered to go and be a part of group activities. With a serious eyeroll and a "yes mam" I venture into the world of board meetings. My brain must find a way to fit education and culture into their projects. Really, in the end, a few hours of work will make them happy. The Diva in me rolls her eyes and wonders why I have to devote weeks of meetings for a few paragraphs for tourist to read. The cost is minimal and I get to walk away from the building for a bit.

I am already feeling the cost of working again. I am not free to wake when I want to. I am not free of a schedule. I am not free to move freely. I am not free to see my grandbabies. The cost has been something I am adjusting too. With that freedom came with the cost too. I had some physical issues from a fall. My shoulder just cant handle the hard work that comes with food delivery. I just miss the adventure and the "hit the cruse control, kick back, and listen to music" drive down the road. In the archives, it is always quiet. I guess that is good too because I am back to completing research. At least I have a window to daydream out of when I need a mental break.

(Kicking at the pebbles in the driveway. A mini temper tantrum commences.) Never Leave Unfinished Business. When I left my previous position, I was in the midst of a project that had notriety and would build morale within the community. The way things ended then caused the project to be discarded. Three years later, I return and "Walla!" it was brought to life over the elder's lunch table. I had a week to learn how to write a resolution, find a counselor to support the resolution and begin the legal process. I have five days to write a newspaper article so the news can be shared with the community. (A growling snarl at my work computer shows as I pass by it.)

Technology and I seem to run on different plains. When I want to work, it doesn't and it works perfectly fine for technician. What is the point of a laptop if you can't get to you work files at home? I spent hours prepping facts for the article and carefully saved them. I get home and I can not log on to the network at work. Perhaps this is a good thing? Perhaps this keeps me from working too much. Then, I remembered, I have most of the facts here on Vocal. I already wrote a story of the Dynamic Dominics. The old technology will be merged into the new technology.

Once a teacher is always a teacher. Once one becomes a teacher one commits to remaining the student. Years have passed since the Dynamic Dominics story had been written and I cringe at its content. As the archivist, I had cleaned boxes and boxes of papers and recorded its content on a finding aid. I cleaned, read and typed which grew my understanding of the significance of their lives. My eyes fed my mind as the puzzle came together. I now realize that I am ready to teach the community about this amazing couple.

I am autistic. With this position, I will have to speak infront of an audience. If I get a complete sentence out in response, I am grateful. I have tools I use to assist me. I find that using a PowerPoint helps me pull myself back when I have a squirrel moment. However, I will have to learn to make a video and include it in my PowerPoint. I have made many stides in my technology skills, but this causes my brain to freeze. My autistic brain will not shut off now until I can work all three elements together in one image.

Obsession is real. The research obsession is real and can cause one to laps into another time and place and neglect your own. When one is researching, there are important elements to consider. Who was involved. What happened and what caused the event. Where was the event happening and what was it responding to. When did it all happen and when did the pattern happen before. I spend a lot of time comparing events in the individual's life. Local, state, and world events can cause a big shake up in that time period. Looking at the whole is important. This skill is a part of obsession.

One of the few things that researchers never talk about is sleep. Sleep is an expense. If I sleep, I am not being productive. My body has to be fighting sleep in order for me to stop and rest. Then, I wonder, if I am really resting with my mind processing all the data that I just uploaded into my brain. Often, I wake with a solutions and I write them down. I am not one who can go back to sleep right away so I lay there revisiting the facts. Sleep is something I need but rest is what I often what I recieve. Sleep deprivation is the life of a researcher.

Anther thing worth losing sleep over. That is the day a grandbaby comes for a visit. Little lady sleeps sideways in the bed. Her little feet drills into my side or hangs over my neck. My little guy is almost too big for Grandma's bed. He only leaves six inches for me to sleep. I don't sleep well so I had to cut back on their visits. That is a huge cost for me. I am willing to lose sleep for their little beings in my life.

The cost of returning back to work has been difficult to adjust to. I know I am needed where I am at so I will continue to adjust. Finding a balance in it all is the difficult time. With the shifting, I will continue to grow and move forward. What I do today will help in the long run. I just have to believe all will be okay.