RejectHarmony.com

I have never been described as your typical female. Growing up I played barbies and dress up with my girlfriends at sleepovers, but when I came home, I would grab my brothers He-man and Gi joe action figures and head over to my neighbor’s house and play battle royal with a group of boys. Having an older brother as my only sibling dictated what I was allowed to do after school every. So naturally I was forced to be his teammate in every backyard sport imageable and I freaking loved it. I was a better athlete than most boys my age and the only girl on an all-boys youth soccer team. I played in ditches, swam in creeks, caught tadpoles, let my hair turn green from chlorine in our pool because I was too lazy to wash it, everything the boys would do. However, I cherished pampering and transforming myself into a beautiful girl on special occasions. Something about wearing a fancy dress, putting on makeup and having your hair done all flawlessly, makes you elegant just like Cinderella. I loved looking pretty and being feminine. It was a complete contrast to the rough brut I was most of the time. Unfortunately, I cringed at the thought of a daily makeup or hair routine. Seemed pointless, dressing up should be just that, for when you are going somewhere relevant. My mother would ask me how I expected to find a boyfriend without ever putting any effort into my appearance. I would laugh and say to her “I am smart, funny, ridiculously fun, and even without makeup, I am absolutely adorable. They’ll find me”. And, without hesitation, I strongly believed it.

I survived high school and college with minimal scars. I had a few boyfriends here and there, nothing too serious. I preferred to run with a pack of guys than a squad of girls. I relate to boys much better than girls. Friendships with men require zero maintenance, which is right up my alley. Visually stimulated and a bit shallow, I constantly surrounded myself with overly attractive male companions. My friends and family would question why I never dated any of them and with a shoulder shrug I would say … not interested. Looking back, I bet most people assumed I was a lesbian just waiting for the right moment to come out. A solid ten years passed without me dating or even being attracted to anyone worth noting. It wasn’t until my 30’s when I stopped and asked myself not why I didn’t want to date any of my good-looking friends, but more importantly why none of them ever wanted to date me. I was a total catch, the perfect combination of beauty, brains, style and just fun to be around girl.

So, one drunken night I asked one why he never tried to hook up with me or date me. And he said he loved me more than anyone he had before and would do anything for me, not as a lover and not a sister some other kind of love he could not label but was unique to me. He told me everyone loved me like that because that is how I loved them back. This terrified me. Was I asexual, not capable of intimacy, doomed to surrounded by a bunch of married friends and going home alone forever? My inner athlete and overly competitive nature kicked into overdrive and said get off my ass and go find a husband from the best and most successful matchmaking source available… EHarmony.com

We have all seen the commercials, the sweet elderly man that looks like he is your best friend’s grandpa, preaching love and how many lives he has personally fulfilled with dream of finding their forever person. They do an extensive personality test and use a fail proof algorithm completely work the sign up and monthly membership. This was my one shot at finding my happy ever after and I was taking it seriously. Well, that and the six shots of tequila prior my friend and I did in order to mentally prepare.

So teenage white girl wasted, my friend and I sat down and took the three-hour dive into online dating. The personality test and questionnaire may have been the worst thing since having to endure sex education class with your crush. My friend finished at least an hour before I did, which was odd, but I figured the male questions were different from the female which to me made sense. He gets acceptance letter just like college. Congrats you are ready to meet your future wife, so I start speeding through my test. Meanwhile, he is getting hundreds of dings. You have a match, you have an email, you are such a stud, so many girls want to date you, I finally finish the last question and hit send. Minutes even the seconds seemed like eternity. I start getting anxious, dared I even say excited envisioning my perfect wedding, stunningly bridesmaids, honeymoon In Bali, and kids, they were going to be exceptional, even my grandkids made a cameo in my single lady rabbit hole of delusions. This all came to a screeching halt as I heard that much anticipated email alert and read one soul crushing word: UNMATCHABLE.

No, that is not a misprint. They rejected me, saying I was only compatible with 4% of the population. Not 5/10/15 but 4%. How do they even come up with those figures? I was in disbelief, I had never been unwanted, or unwelcome anywhere by anyone in life. Everyone loved me. What did that old silver haired shitbag have against me? Curious to what is causing my sailor's mouth to take over, my friend reads the rejection letter. He asked me if I answered the questions truthfully. Confused by such an absurdity, I responded, “who lies on a personality test” he said. “Everybody lies on a first date, that’s how you get the second one” and drops to the ground while laughing at me hysterically. This infuriates me even more. I continue reading the rest of email to get more clarification. Evidently, that silver fox overly critical grandpa, who runs it, did not believe I was worth the risk of lowering their success rate if they could not find me a match.

That was a sobering experience and major reality check for me. I would go on and take that test 2 more times, once in NYC and once in L.A. and always the same results. UNMATCHABLE. I was never going to find my happily ever after. Would I ever meet another 4 percenters out there searching for love? The answer is yes. When I was 35, I decided to move back to the South. I ran into a boy I used to babysit. He is four years younger than me and the mythical 4% I had been searching for. We are married and have two beautiful kids and all I can say to the 96% of the population and especially on-line dating, is THANK YOU for not wanting me. I am a rare type of girl made for a unique kind of guy and would have never found each other if it wasn’t for Re-ject Harmony.