Please Continue

do you remember what it felt like last September, when winter came too quickly? the wind was sneaky and the cold crept into our room while we were sleeping and neither of us were ready for it. you, safe and sound, on top of the sheets. my body bare, exposed. i woke up and you didn’t, but I was immensely unprepared for the feeling of your arms

solid, strong, steady

on my body, disrupting my thoughts, pulling me closer to you while you slept. your arms reaching, your mind gone. the chills on my body not a product of the cold anymore. and in a our private haze of midnight madness, it meant everything because you were still wanting me. wanting to share my heat, wanting to share my warmth. unaware of the way you were making my heart swell and expand a thousand times over without ever opening your eyes. it was the worst night of sleep i’ve ever gotten, my head hurt like hell the next day and you never apologized. but you kissed me good morning at 9am, your palms warm against my cheeks and your eyes heavy with the most spectacular dreams crawling back into the depths of your mind. your lips were soft and your skin was shining— and you had no idea what you’d done. how selfish it seemed; but I beg you,

please continue to be selfish with me.

do you remember how my fingers fumbled with the front door key before we walked into our first home together? it was a small studio in a shoddy neighborhood, but it was ours. never ending nerves and excitement and my fingers shook like crazy, but you took my hand in yours and made everything okay. your eyes are home and your lips are mine and your heart is everything I will never be. and in that same house, do you remember when you came home angry and sad one night. so different from anything I’d ever seen before. caught in a moment, betrayed by the world. falling into my arms, needing to forget it all. it was the first time I’d ever seen you not fragmented. a broken figurine desperate to be seen. so I took you in my arms and let you use me. I danced for you and I kissed you and I believed in you. I let you use me as your safe haven, your refuge, your distraction. and you were so kind to me. so considerate to make me feel wanted and seen, even though you were in need of healing. because you always do that. you always put me first even when you’re falling. you asked me the next day if you had done too much, if I had seen too much. and you said you understood if I couldn’t take you breaking, shattering, exploding. but I love you. the good, the bad, and the bittersweet in between. so I beg you,

please continue to use me.

do you remember the morning you made me late for work? and every night you kept me up past 3am in New York because you didn’t want to sleep without me. you held out as long as you could, your voice the only lullaby I ever needed. weeks of not sleeping, weeks of missing you, weeks of feeling exhausted. but then I got home, and we had the biggest fight. you yelled and I cried and I thought, what a waste of time. to give up my nights for you, to have my mind running slow and dry because of you, to miss out on sleep for you, to question and compromise and settle…for you. but that was seven years ago, and we’ve had plenty of time and space to make up and make even and make more and more and more. so I beg you,

please continue to waste my time.

do you remember the years when I hated myself? how many times you wished for better for me, wished your eyes in place of my own. every time I wanted to quit, every time I thought I’d never be more than what I am, you whispered to me what I am is enough. you’ve always done that. wanted better for me than I want for me. you remind me I don’t need to fix anything because the way I overthink means my mind is incomprehensible. the way I caution myself tells you I’ll teach our daughter to never do the same. my criticism has given you the room and the privilege to replace it for joy. for comfort. in the areas I have so much room to grow. and you love to meet me there. in the place where I lose my faith because it strengthens your own. and you remind me back home. bring me back with grace. so, I beg you,

please continue to want better for me.

do you remember when I ran away from you? because the extent of your love is so big, I didn’t know how to carry it. and I didn’t think I deserved it. and you found me on the bus out of town, in the pouring rain, in the dead of night, in a crowd of strangers, appalled that I could ever think of letting you live your life without me? you shook my arms and you screamed in my face that there is nowhere I could ever run, nowhere I could ever go, where the memory of me wouldn’t be burned into your mind for the rest of your time alive. where you wouldn’t look for me, where you wouldn’t chase after me, where you wouldn’t give me every single breath until you had no more to give. i love you for that, and for a million reasons more that I will never be able to put into the correct sequence of words, but I am grateful. because finding you has helped me to find me. the good and the bad and every version of bittersweet in between, so please. I beg of you,

please continue to always find me.