Pain

Is hard for me to talk about this, it is for everyone who has been through it.

I was 16 , Sophomore year of High School, I have been through it my whole life but it was the first time ,when he took a step forward, too far, I spoke out at 17 to School Administration ,they opened up the case, I felt like I did something right.

But then....I felt betrayed, belittled, ridiculed and stabbed in the back by some , not all, I called family, especially to the one that I called a father, when he too blamed me for it, he told me, it was my fault, all I did is ruined the family, etc.

I distance myself from them, also got ridiculed because of it , got in a relationship with a 'good guy' , who claimed he was a good guy, told him my pain and not to tell.

He told some of his friends, gaslighted me, tried to kiss my best friend, mistreated me, threatened people I care about, told people I was hurting him and worst of all.....tried to force himself on me ,when I told him to stop so many times despite him knowing what happened to me.

I tried to smile afterwards, tried to pretend that I was the one in the wrong, ignore what he was saying--whore--I was the one at fault--he is a good guy- funny, really, when he walks up to my best friend again and asks if I was a still a virgin, when I got with my boyfriend , a few days later (I don't regret it and nor do I feel shame now).

I graduate High School, .....I still try to smile...but the fake one wins over the real one... I still felt pain...I still felt their hands fresh like it was then, I still felt them, I can't have sex with my boyfriend because painful memories come to light despite me loving him but I am thankful for his patience and care for me.

I tried to commit suicide those three years but faith and hope prevented it.

One day, I decided to finally speak out again, after three years , the experience with my ex, it felt good to be heard and not brought down, it felt good to know who was my real family and who was my fake one.

That is when I realized family indeed doesn't end in blood.

Despite all that, I tried to tell father again...he told me to grow up ,I was 20 now ,not a child anymore, and proceeded in telling my sisters , in his drunken state ,he said he will protect them if a man ever touched them ,I wanted to shut him down, I wanted to scream at him and tell him so you do agree that I was a child then and not a damn adult, that you ,along with others ,almost led me to the path of suicide so many times, I hope you die old and alone but even that doesn't give you the pain I felt, I fucking hate you....I wanted to say that but instead I cried harder.

I tried to avoid him after that.

Now, I am working on myself slowly by slowly, I won't lie if sometimes, I do feel like having panic attacks and go to an emotional state of memories I suppressed but I am trying to get better and I thank those ,who has been by my side , supporting me, and making sure I am okay.