ONWARDS

October 2015, is forever etched in her mind. She forgets it sometimes. because she loves October and Halloween is her highlight, sometimes it's her biggest highlight of the year. She hid behind countless masks, layers of black, and caked herself in makeup and somehow, she felt different like she was somehow someone who never met him. She felt safe, hidden. Except, She didn't want to hide. She wanted to fight, to be who she was before he stole her away from herself. she wanted more. To be more than what happened to her. She didn't want to be someone who things happened to, she wanted to be someone who made things happen. she wanted who she was back, if only it could be gifted back wrapped in pretty glitter, and pastel pinks. things she hated just so she could have the satisfaction of tearing those silver streams and ghastly pinks to shreds to unearth who she was. To become something new, new but familiar. She didn't want to find herself in the background, in the past where she no longer existed. She wanted to move on.

She is me...when I was 19 he stole me. He stole me in a practice room in college, somewhere I thought I was safe. it was a place I planned to grow, not stall. after that night I found myself stumped, my body stiff, face unknown. a stranger to myself, a mockery of what i had known. I avoided mirrors like the plague, myself through shots of whiskey, wine, and Ambien. I'd stare in the mirror at 3 am and I'd be so far gone I almost wouldn't recognize myself, and it would be enough to bring a small smile to my face, the closest thing to a mile I had felt in months since he took me. I couldn't remember the last time I had smiled while sober. "How long?" I remember thinking "How long will I be this way? "Will I ever be ok?" "Will I be alright?" "What if I never set foot on stage again because of what he did?" "What if I'm not strong enough to be who I always thought i would be?"

if I could go back to 19, from 26 I would tell you'll be ok, once in awhile it will sting to get on stage but you'll always remember why you perform, why you chose to follow the music in the first place and the good will outweigh the bad, the applause will make up for the praise you were deprived of as a child, the air will be electrified and it will set your soul on fire more than you thought possible and you will be reminded that you have a soul. That you are still alive and that's ok because as time goes on, you'll slowly find that tomorrow, a day you thought would never come, is already here, welcoming you with open arms, waiting for you to breathe, waiting for your first step away from him. Tomorrow is here, you are not trapped in today. If i could go back to yesterday, I would tell myself it's ok. We'll make it through this. We never thought we would live to see past our teens yet here we are. 26 going on 27, and we're still here. who knows if 30 is in our future but what matters is that we have today. Today is today and not yesterday, today is not 7 years ago. Today we are here. Today we are ok and today we can't wait to see tomorrow. That's what matters.