my relationship...with "you"

So today I’ve realized that you don’t really serve me at all. But here’s the thing, our relationship, is one that is strange.

You satisfy me in small doses and amounts. Very small. And then when it’s over, I want more, but I can’t have it, because you eat up my money, if I need to be with you again. You’re not so much a NEED but a want. A quick satisfaction.

…

Age 6.

I grew up watching you around other people, as a child especially. And then also growing up, I was told that it was a bad habit to keep you around. But for some odd reason, because I was exposed to you that so much, part of me wanted to know what that tasted like; what it was like to spend some time with you after a few drinks at a bar perhaps when I’m at my lowest, you seek to comfort me, and also when I’m at work.

I spent a lot of time with you last year (2020), because of how low I hit the bottom, and the quick satisfaction I had with you, was an easy way to deal with it, but not sustainable. I wanted more from you for the wrong reasons, but spending time with you feels like it’s always right in the moment. 

 …


There are many times you made my trachea almost regurgitate from trying to spend the last couple seconds with you before the start of my shift, or during, or even after, and then, I would promise myself it would be the last time we’d be seen together. Like a secret affair. Illicit affair.

But to no avail, we’d be back together in no time.

There are many times you made me feel light- headed, and nauseated. But once that was over, I quickly and quietly returned back to you.

The easiest thing is to say to no you. But it’s also by far the hardest thing in the world.

…

It feels good when there are other people around you and with me, but it also feels good with I’m alone with you. But again for a brief moment and brief satisfaction. Instant gratification.

2020.

You’re a bad habit. I feel ashamed to be with you. truly. I don’t like to spend time with you, but now it’s such a habit, that’s it hard to break. I’m not “me” when I’m with you. I can feel it. You’re like a guilty pleasure. I’m with you in secret. My best friends don’t know much about you. My boyfriend has a deeper relationship with you so it's okay for him to be like, ‘Yeah, it's okay’, though he knows it's not. It's a little fucked.

Jan. 2020.

Today is the day. I can’t be with you anymore. I just can’t. I went to the spa yesterday and I felt really good after. My body was in a good place. My mind in a good place. As soon as you came into contact with me, that good feeling was gone.

Today was the last day that I've tolerated you. You made me feel horrible. i didn’t enjoy being with you. So I’m not thanking you for anything.

July 31st 2020;

You are still lingering. I’m still allowing you to be around me. Now I’m just pushing. I’m pushing my body to get used to you. I don’t think I can do it any longer. I can feel myself getting sick because I’m around you so much. ugh. Its such a complicated relationship, and to an outsider, it might seem like it's not a big deal to just ‘quit’, easily. But it's not that easy.

I don’t need to explain the reasons that validate you being around.

I think this is it. Though that’s what I said, last time. It felt good to let you go for two weeks - when I couldn’t be around you. It wasn’t easy to get a hold of you. I actually liked it, but you’re a bad habit. We have a toxic relationship. I like it when we’re not together. It feels more like me. More Like ME. When we’re not together.

The reason I keep you around, is because i’ve wanted to be you for a long time. Since I was 18 (2015), and depressed and started university. Maybe even before that. I saw you, as a child, hanging around people when there would be lots of parties and get togethers and when there was alcohol involved. Part of me wanted to know what it was like because I saw it a lot. I also knew it was bad. I knew there was no good that came from it. I know there’s no good that comes from it.

Eventually, when I was older, (19) I chose to get a taste of you through someone who I thought I was falling for, in 2017 but he ended up being a total arrogant douche bag. The habit stuck, I guess. You stuck, I allowed you. It ended up being a bad year for me. I hit rock bottom, and you felt good being around when I was intoxicated. When i was anxious. When I felt like I broke up with someone I gave almost my everything to. (this was circa 2018).

now.

its.

over.

you.

don’t.

serve.

me.

any.

longer.

it will be tempted to have…a taste. inhale. but nah.

i can’t. any. longer.

we’re through and through.

we’re done.