My Journey Starts Here

I'm 37 and life still doesn't quite make sense to me. I'm starting to think that maybe it never really will lol. I've had to do a lot of evaluating my life throughout the years and I can say that perhaps I am becoming... I am not quite sure I'm there yet, but I am on my way. I am sure everyone feels like this at one point in their lives.

I am married, have been for a while and I have kids. I work a job that has me as part- time on paper, but up until maybe a couple of weeks ago worked me full time hours. Am I happy with my life? I would say I am grateful because I know things could always be worse. I try counting my blessings and some days that does the trick. Some days I allow myself to just feel whatever I need to feel so that I don't forget how to feel, if that makes sense at all. The last couple of years have taught me how to never say what I won't do. So events have happened that I never thought would happen to me. I've made some choices and decisions where I've really questioned my morals and values, or perhaps just what I was brought up to believe.

I met a man who was different than any other person I had met at that time in my life. I already had two kids and I was but wasn't really looking for a relationship. I mean if it happened. it happened , if not than it wouldn't. By then I had learned what I would and would accept though. I was always really independent, didn't want anyone to feel like they needed to do anything for me. Didn't want anyone to feel like they had anything to hold over mind head, body or soul, because we know how people seem to require favors when they do something for you. I never liked that feeling and honestly before then, those were the only people I came across. Everyone just looking out for themselves, so I figured I should do the same. So, when I met my husband, off the rip I knew he was different. He's 7 years older than me, when me met he was ready to find someone to settle down with and in a lot of ways, so was I. I at least wanted a commited relationship. Someone who would love me and my kids. He had no kids and for his age ( almost 30) that was rare! I kept asking are you sure, because I just couldn't believe that I had met a man in 2010 who had no kids and no baby mothers. When I asked why, he said because he wanted the mother of his kids to be his wife and that he had never been a fan of having kids with different women all over the place. He believed in raising his kids and being a father. That was easy to believe for the fact he had no kids lol. Fast forward two years we had another kid together and I was pregnant with our second ( my forth) walking down to the aisle saying I do.

Over the years we've had some challenges, we've both changed of course I see the biggest change in me because at some point in time I started questioning if I was really what he deserved. He's so good and faithful, hardworking a damn good father, he cooks and cleans and does laundry , I felt he deserved so much more than I could give him. I'm not a big cooker, I really don't believe in celebrating the holidays, I'm not a social person, not organized at all, to be fair I was never any of those things, not before or when we met. I'n not the type that cooks breakfast on weekends or Sunday dinners. Although I feel those are things he deserves, my soul will not allow me to be that. He's fine with it, but still I think what if he meets someone else willing to provide him all those things and more. On the other end of that, there are qualities he also doesn't have that I wish he did. He's totally a lot more passive than I want. I imagine having a man who sees something needs to be done around the house and doesn't wait for me to acknowdge it first, he just does it. Someone who although he knows I'm fully capable of defending myself, still steps in, he doesn't have to be aggressive, but steps in and shows his masculine energy of just being there. Giving me a sense of feeling constantly protected and supported. Someone who takes interest in the things I'm interested in, even if it's just for a split second.Someone who asks questions when I talk to them.He is none of those things and after so long of him not being those things I do not expect for him to all of a sudden become those things, and it's fair to say that I can't all of a sudden become the things I feel he needs either.

I guess at some point in time it stops being on though. I mean when you've gone so long without those things, the fact that your spouse are not those things stop mattering. At least until you meet someone who is those things and a little bit more.