MY HIGHSCHOOL JOURNAL part #1

Hi.

So I'm here today because I'm sick and tired of keeping everything inside of me. Nobody really wants to know me enough. So I'm going to sit quietly on my favorite couch downstairs in our family room a.k.a the BASEMENT, and talk about myself for a few minutes. This is obviously for nobody, because I wouldn't really want to share anything with anyone. And besides, nobody cares; and I totally understand. People have busy and stressful lives. I do as well. Nobody has time to "understand" me as a person. So here I go phone notebook:

Firstly, I'm planning on writing in as many notes as I possibly can over the next few years, and then hopefully be able to read then when I'm living my most successful and stable life.

Okay so here we are. In 9th grade. First year of highschool. It's April, so obviously highschool isn't really 'new' for me anymore. This whole COVID-19 thing is really messing up everyone's lives, thousands and thousands are being KILLED everyday. I'm very concerned, for myself, my family, the world.

My father, an environmental health official, goes to work everyday. He never wears a mask or anything that could keep him safe. I'm really scared. Coronavirus attacks the lungs and the immune system. I'm not too sure if my father is the healthiest human out there. So at this point, I try and pray LOADS for my father. Because of this virus, I've had the chance to start this show called Gilmore Girls. After much debate over how great this show is, my friend Sarah finally convinced me to watch it.

So I watched season 1, and I'm almost done S2, and I'm actually obsessed. Thanks Sarah.

Anyways, my favorite character on the show is Rory and Jess. They're so adorable and absolutely pure. Jess is kind of a troublemaker, but we all love him anyway 😉

Rory is super sweet and smart and mature which is just so amazing.

This show is forcing me to think about it all day lol

Anyways, so I also have so many things I want to do in my lifetime. I have a huge obsession with traveling. It's my biggest dream. I really don't want anything so desperately as of now, so I just dream about studying abroad in a chic university with a really nice apartment with 1 roommate that's crazily amazing. I really want to be the type of roommate that cooks and cleans the house and it really organized, which makes the OTHER roomate feel bad, so they give ME the master bedroom 😂

I want this to be my everyday university routine:

I wake up at 6:00 am, pray fajr (a prayer in my faith), go for a 30-40 minute run, come home in time. Make breakfast for myself and my roommate, get ready, you know, personal grooming lol then either go to university or my part-time job at Starbucks depending on what classes I have that day. Then I come home, pray, make dinner do my homework and if I have time, go for a run, maybe watch TV for a bit.

I want to be that type of person. The person that wakes up super early, and the type of person that gets happy while looking at the sunset. Yes, I know. Nerds are like that. But is it fair to say, that I'm a unexpectedly huge nerd?? Along with my dream of traveling, I've always also loved to attend one of those fancy Ivy League school, like Harvard or Yale. As a Canadian, I'm don't think that it's ever going to happen. But you never know, miracles do exist. Or at least I believe in them.

Yesterday night, was a religious night for us. (Shab-e-qadr) many Muslims stay up all night to read splat and pray and ask for forgiveness. They say that God accepts anything to ask for on this day. Me knowing that my family is in danger due to COVID, I prayed. I read 30 extra nuffles along with Isha Prayer. I also read Durood Shareef a bunch of times as well. Before I slept, I went inside the bathroom and cried. I knew that God wouldn't listen to me. I think of myself of a harami who doesn't know anything about religion. With a swollen and puffed face, I went to sleep. I then dreamt of myself, looking out the window at night and underneath a cloud, I see Allah's glorious name. I see it, and the I fall down and  cry. I woke up and it was possibly the best dream that I've ever dreamt. It indicated that he heard my voice. And that his plan is going to be good for me. Regardless idk what it means.

I've been struggling with the concepts of religion, but I'm trying my best to learn more. I've been very fortunate to have been born and raised in a family who was quite big on religion. It really helps me be who I am truly.

Update: I am now in 10th grade lol

It's been a year since I last wrote this which is weird because it feels like yesterday! Time goes by really fast when you're stuck at home, with no will to live, no hobbies, and addictively watching the news in hopes of good news arriving and telling me that COVID is gone. ANYWAYS, that sounded very depressing.

If you haven't known this already, you should know that I like to write. Most of my communications is through the concept of written communication. Which is why when i put down these types of notes, i feel connected and feel like I'm being heard.

I think it's also important to note that i come from an immigrant Muslim family with 2 brothers. So life isn't exactly that freeing. Dont get me wrong, i love my family. But sometimes i feel like I'm not given enough privacy?? Idk idk lol. I'm still happy where i am. ALSO its Ramadan rn, and so Muslims fast all month in order to become better versions of ourselves. I think it's great that we do this. This is actually my second year fasting, I wish I started much earlier. But i was afraid that it would be hard. SPOILER ALERT: it isn't like....AT ALL.

I've been doing lots of online shopping lately and that's like my main source of happiness right now. Sounds depressing right? It really isn't though. This is the story of the majority of teenagers. We're all built like this, it's weird.

(Part 2 will be next