My First Kiss

Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but…

In seventh grade I kissed a girl.

As you drove me to the house of my best friend, I’m sure you had no idea about the thoughts racing through my mind. Anxiousness, excitement, and a wonder for why she would ever want to kiss me. Me, a 13-year-old going through her awkward phase, was about to kiss the girl everyone wanted. A girl who was perfect in every way, while I was not at all.

The reason why I was on my phone so much in the car was because I was texting her about how nervous I was. She was texting back to reassure me.

You may pass this off as just kids experimenting. You may feel as though I couldn’t have possibly known who I was at such a young age, but I knew for sure that I was in love.

She was my best friend for a year, and I admired her. I thought nobody could be as cool or perfect as she was. I was jealous of her when she shared all the stories of her past boyfriends and the things they had done together. I was only 13, while she was 15.

I should’ve been hanging out with friends and focusing on homework, but instead, I was focused on her.

I remember one time, we went to a concert together and I swore that the lead singer was looking straight at her as he said, “We have some good-looking people here tonight”.

This was totally plausible in my mind, as she was the most good-looking person I had ever seen in my life. She had everything. She had everything I didn’t and maybe that was why I was attracted to her.

She was the one that introduced me to the idea that you can like both genders. I never even knew this was possible until her. Since Dad thinks gay people are wrong for being who they are, our family never talked about sexuality. I had to learn it on my own from the internet. And then I had to learn that it was not wrong to love who you love.

A year before, I had realized that I was bisexual, as I didn’t see why not. Girls are pretty, guys are handsome, why can’t I like both? She made me feel as though it was okay to like both and be normal.

I’m not sure how she turned from a friend to something else. In the back of my mind, I had always liked her because how could I not? Over time we started texting and then texting turned into more.

I also have no idea why she wanted to kiss me, as I was not attractive at that point in life. Maybe she craved the excitement or wanted to be my first. She even had a boyfriend at the time that didn’t know about us. I don’t know why I thought she would choose me over her boyfriend, or why I kissed her knowing she was taken.

As we stepped into her house, you never noticed the glances that me and her exchanged. The hidden smiles we suppressed. I was so nervous, and you never even realized. We went downstairs to her room and kissed. It was my first kiss, and you never knew it happened. I felt awkward after, but I thought that the awkwardness would get better. I thought that somehow, we could end up together, even though she probably never wanted that in the first place.

I went home ecstatic, listening to “I kissed a girl”, and wondering when we would see each other again.

We never did see each other again.

Eventually, she stopped texting me as often, and spent more time with her boyfriend. Maybe, she too, realized that this was only a kiss and shouldn’t be more. I still texted her “I love you” though, because I truly did.

From April to July, I continued texting her, until suddenly one day, she blocked me.

She blocked me as I was sitting on our couch. You were out with the dog, and I was sitting there, bawling my eyes out. My first heartbreak, and I never told you. I pretended as if I was fine, even though I felt like I was dying. I loved her and she kissed me, why would she block me?

I suffered for months silently, wondering if I would ever hear from her again. I cried myself to sleep thinking about our kiss and how I wish it never happened. I lost my best friend just by falling in love with her.

Finally, I did hear from her, only for her to tell me that she blocked me because of her boyfriend. Apparently, he didn’t want his girlfriend talking to another girl, which is understandable, but I was the one left heartbroken.

You never knew any of this ever happened. You never knew the excitement, the pain, the love, and the loss that I went through. I was too scared to open up because what if I did, and you retaliate by telling me that my feelings aren’t real.

I’m sorry for never telling you about my first kiss and my first heartbreak. I hope you can understand and forgive me, for I never wanted to hurt you. I suffered in silence without your comfort, and I wish I had the courage to tell you all of this now.