Must I Grovel Before My Co-Workers Take Care Of Their Shit?

Yesterday I asked my co-worker how our office toilet flushing system worked. He stared at me in confusion, but I made him show me. I had to be sure of the system everyone else was using. I had to know if I had accidentally discovered an easier means. A Eureka! moment.

I thought their way entailed them drawing water from an invisible well to flush. Maybe they had to wait for 30 minutes for the flushing to occur. Maybe standing for 20 seconds to make sure their shit is taken care of is too much work. I just had to know. To understand their thought process for leaving a signature in a general toilet.

Alas! My co-worker pushed down the very visible button on the WC. Wait! Is that all? Are you sure? I thought this was my secret. So, y’all know this method too? Ye-ah Wow! Here I was feeling like Einstein. Notice how it took just 10 seconds to flush. Did you know that as well? Ye-ah.

Well, since you are so knowledgeable, why can’t you take care of your shit? Life is hard enough without me having to walk into your pee pond because you refuse to mop after. It is literally dragging a mop back and forth over your indiscretion. You don’t have to lift it. But, where is the fun in that right? You have to punish me and others for nothing.

Oh, there’s more! Your souvenirs in the bowl. Is it some sort of ‘I was here’ graffiti for the rest of us? Or you purposely want to punish us like your teeth, with your phobia of brushes? As they say, you can’t shame the shameless. You are living vicariously through that statement.

Please don’t let me butt into situations like these. It hurts my eyes. It disrupts my digestive system. Makes its content move in the opposite direction.

Obviously, your potty training has eluded you, so let’s go over the details again.

After you’re done with your business,

• Hold down the big, very visible button on the WC. You can't miss it because it stares you directly in the face.
• Wait for the water to dance out in style, and do its job. Hands off now. Dance along to the rhythm if you feel like it.
• Look into the bowl to make sure there are no remaining smiley faces.
• If there are still any smileys looking back at you, make sure to restart the process from the first step.
• For stubborn deviants who refuse to bow out, the blue brush on the floor is for whipping it in place, after which you restart the process from the first step.
• Now, look for any outliers who have made the ground their home. If any,
• Grab the blue mop by your left and drag it over them, back and forth until the floor is clean
• No, don’t walk out yet. Put your hand under the steel box on the wall. That is soap. You don't want to go spreading germs from here, do you?
• Turn on the tap and scrub your hands for at least 20 seconds, according to the CDC.

Now, you can walk back to your office, knowing that you have left the toilet spick and span. Just the way you'd like it to look when you need to use it.

This is a 30–40 second process that will save us all the trouble of bitching about one another. I’d prefer to save my energy for productive work since that’s what I am paid for.

Capiche?

Now that we are friends again, can you do something about your teeth?

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