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Mummy Cat

by Katniss Forevergreen 8 months ago in Workplace · updated 8 months ago
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Work Place rivalries are not just for humans.

Actual picture of Mummy Cat, and our kickball team jerseys.

When you think of famous rivalries throughout history, you probably remember the epic ones, like Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird, Kanye vs. Drake, Coke vs Pepsi or even most recently, Popeyes vs Chick Filet. Competition in the workplace often turns nasty, especially when a worker is consumed with envy and fueled by salacious jealousy. Even the most virtuous employees have compromised their integrity in order to achieve the most coveted honor being named employee of the month. I know this firsthand, for when I was in college, my vendetta against a fellow bartender was so extreme, it compelled me to commit foul play and choosing to eradicate my competition ,Tonya Harding style. Seemingly foolproof, except my Nancy wasn’t just some local celebrity, it was our beloved mascot and Chelsea’s Café most adored staff member… MUMMY CAT.

A Bohemian hangout, frequented by local artists, musicians and writers, Chelsea’s café was the place for anyone in Baton Rouge who enjoyed live music, stiff drinks, killer southern homestyle meals in the late 90’s. It’s eclectic staff truly deserved their own reality show. If the characters from Dazed and Confused opened a bar hiring only the cast from Freaks and Geeks to wait tables, and the bartenders from Always Sunny in Philadelphia to make cocktails, it still couldn’t compete with this place. Everyone who worked there had an interesting and bizarre backstory, but nothing held a candle to my infamous feud, which led to catnapping and banishment. The victim was Mummy Cat, an already dead and well-preserved cat, who somehow became the honorary employee of the month, service industry team mascot , and my arch nemesis, and all in a matter of days. He ruined my life.

I’m not bitter… you are bitter!

There is no cool origin story of how mummy cat came to be, he literally just appeared. One day while I was sitting at the bar after work and one of the cooks came in holding a mummified cat that he found by the dumpster. Yes, I know you are thinking that’s not possible, but due to our hot arid environment it would only take about two weeks for the dead cat to go undetected and for the mummification process to complete.

Well, seeing as this was by far the coolest thing any of us had ever seen, MUMMY CAT became an instant celebrity and permanent fixture at the bar. Mummy CAT was so popular they started giving him shifts…not just anybody’s…my shifts! He even had this stupid tip jar personalized just for him, and this stupid little ledge, he perched on while staring at customers enamored by him. Next,they had T-shirts made for our kickball team with his face on the front. He went to every game and not one person questioned the insanity. It drove me freaking crazy.

Everyone embraced Mummy Cat, treating him as if he were the most favorite pet, best friend, and teammate they ever had. He was by far the most treasured thing in the damn bar. That title used to be mine. Suddenly, my customers stop tipping me as well, and then pretty soon they didn't tip me at all. Instead, they would leave money in his stupid jar. This infuriated me. I was employee of the month for an entire year. Uncontested, every month, I was on the wall of fame…ME! I even considered legally changing my name to Chelsea because people came there to see Me! It was the life , until he showed up pussyfooting in …all Emo and hipster cat with his decaying and zombie like features. Even though his wasn’t beating he was still winning everyone's hearts. I hated the attention he undeservingly received, so I concocted the perfect crime to fake his catnapping and get rid of him…permanently!

Now don’t go thinking I hate cats. I love all animals, but after watching The Thomas Crown Affair, for some unexplainable reason when I used to get really drunk, I’d turn into a klepto and steal things from bars. No intentions of keeping any of the treasures, I took them just so I could return them before being caught. I know it sounds crazy, but what about any of this is normal.

I was infamous for my bar heists. I took autographed pictures of professional athletes, electric guitars signed by musicians, paintings, pool sticks, anything sentimental or valuable, I took it. I sometimes would mail back from Thomas Crown, or I would place it somewhere obscure in a competitor’s bar. Of course, I was the only one who found it humorous. Most of the time they didn’t notice anything was missing.But this was special and I was determined to make it the best cat burglary ever.

So one night when the bar was super slammed, I snuck Mummy cat into my purse and took him home. The next day I got out my scissors ,teen Vogue and started gluing my ransom letters to one of his mummy shirts. I then mailed it to Chelsea’s . It was riddled with ridiculous demands such as: Once a month my friends and I will be allowed to stay in Mike the Tiger’s million dollar habitat, I requested lifetime VIP passes to Top Cat’s Exotic Dance Club lounge, the most expensive fancy feast on the market, and nine more lives. I told them if the demands were not met in two days Mummy Cat was going to die, again…signed, Pablo Esco-Rat!

I had no idea the general public would take the ransom letter seriously. Flyers were made and passed out all over LSU campus. They put an ad on the local college radio station. Ultimately it was the $25,000 reward for the head of Pablo Esco-Rat that made me revaluate my career choices. One early morning I came into work holding Mummy Cat, and a fake rat’s head, that I scored from the Halloween store. I boasted how I tracked down the place they were holding Mummy Cat and slayed the kingpin. I politely asked for my bounty, and for some outlandish reason, they fired me. To add injury to insult, they even had me forcibly removed from the premises, thus banning me from Chelsea’s Cafe …for life.

Looking back, I should have saved my creative talents for another occupation and allowed Mummy Cat to enjoy his time to shine, its what everyone wants. The highest honor is to be the favorite employee of the month, even after we are dead.


About the author

Katniss Forevergreen

I have a master's in screenwriting and new to this style of writing, I'll try everything in life once, and the good stuff twice,

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