Mr. Fine, You’re On My Mind

I recently had my first serious, short-lived relationship since my divorce four years ago. I say it was serious because we seriously talked on the phone about anything and everything as much as we could. Long distance, we got along very well. He taught me many things along the way, including that I am not a dried-up old prune – at least, not yet. I thought this relationship had the makings of being long-term. Apparently not because I broke up with him last night. It wasn’t an argument that caused the separation between us. He was my intellectual match with a great connection, and I never anticipated that I would break up with him last night. While I regret breaking up because of all the wonderful things we were for each other, the question “What would feel even better” was posed to me this morning.

Honestly, I can’t imagine feeling much better than how I felt while talking to my intellectual match. I had a tough time envisioning something even better than the countless conversations over the past several weeks. Without him even prodding me, he made me a better person. Already working on my health issues with my medical providers, my lack of desire to finish unpacking from my move this year did not turn for the better until I began enjoying the many conversations with him. With the help of physical therapy and chiropractic care, my mobility allowed me to work on one small section of the house two days a week for about fifteen minutes each of those two days. After talking to him, my joy in the tasks returned, but the anxiety and overwhelming feeling that the overall tasks ahead were too much remained. Still, I was pleased with my progress.

Early in the conversations, he let me know about his past and I told him mine. We knew that at our age neither one of us would have a perfect life history and we could accept that we were not flawless. Did we have some issues? We did, yet we always knew that the most important thing was maintaining our relationship, so we sometimes tabled conversations that we would return to and eventually decide what to do with them. I honestly could not ask for more.

Due to several appointments on my schedule and his work schedule, there was a two-day period where our lives did not align with each other. I used this time to evaluate the relationship. When our conversations returned, instead of breaking up with him, I mentioned an issue I discovered during my evaluation process. I did not think it was fair or right to back away when everything else was going so wonderfully. We were able to come to an agreement on that we could both live with on this issue. Not wanting to give up his personal information, I will not disclose details, but I will say that for the sake of understanding my decision to let this relationship go, I will disclose that the issue involved a behavior of his that stemmed from his childhood that he had not fully overcome yet. While for me the issue was not desirable, I was glad he was working on it and had made some progress during his lifetime. And because we discussed the issue, I accepted him for who he is now along with the fact that I fully understood that he may never fully overcome this issue. I was willing to live with it because my love for him and our time together was so much more valuable to me.

Full disclosure, I have attended counseling on and off for most of my life for traumas received both as a child and an adult. I am by no means an angel either. And I did disclose this information to him also. I was happy he was so supportive of my therapy appointments and even willing to attend them to aid in the process whenever possible. A few days ago, we planned to meet in person for the first time. I was honestly looking forward to the meeting. It felt right. He sounded like he felt the same way. Then I received some unexpected news.

Some of my recent medical tests came in. My doctor revealed the results. While things could certainly be a lot worse, a condition I had been keeping under control for twenty years had changed and progressed. While it is still a long way from worst case scenario, the fact that it had gotten worse and that I would have to increase my restrictions and add lifestyle changes to my life weighed on me. It did not help that health insurance issues needed to be addressed along with a letter from my attorney. I have been attending two to four appointments each business day for the past several weeks and financial issues added to the mix. The weight of it all caused me to have an “off” day, a day in which I did not act my normal self. And my body felt the weight of the world.

Already suffering from balance issues from the car accident twenty years ago, I now knew the cause. And the results of my back X-Rays from two months ago did not go over well either. So, the other day, when I awoke with a headache and my whole body hurt, I reached out to speak with Mr. Fine before getting off the bed. I wanted to hear his voice and a lighthearted conversation before attempting to walk across the floor. With good intentions, he implored me to do everything I could to get everything done on that day. I asked him about it. He said he did it to motivate me.

I was already motivated to get done what I could considering how I was feeling that morning. Being an independent person and having considerable experience as a single parent, I am used to dealing with everything myself no matter how I was feeling. What I really wanted was to hear that he had faith in me that I would get done what I could. Because I was not yet aware that I was on sensory overload, or another way to put it, information overload, I was not too happy about the comment. Instead of appreciating his attempt, I chewed on the fact that I felt encouraged to push through to do more than my body would allow on that day. I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically. Eventually I showered and did what I could that day, but not without informing Mr. Fine what I really needed from him that day.

For the second time this week, Mr. Fine retreated within himself, becoming quiet instead of talking the problem through. Since I had several appointments yesterday, our schedules clashed and allowed no opportunity to speak together to clear the air. Until we were able to speak again, I reflected on the morning and realized that I was on sensory overload, that the situation had nothing to do with him, but that I handled the situation poorly. A previously scheduled counseling session revealed that what I had been through this week would be considered too much for the average person, never mind a person with my traumatic brain injury, PTSD, and depression. This not only helped me put things into perspective, but I could not wait to get on the phone with him and share what I learned about my day and make things right between us.

Instead of having the opportunity to share with him and make things right, he announced he felt it was too soon for us to meet in person, and that he wanted to put it off until I was more ready. While I gathered my thoughts, out of my mouth was what I now think was a bumbling of nonsense. I know I was not in agreement. I felt that the visit would help us learn more about each other and help us even further learn how to handle such situations better for each of us. I saw no reason to put it off. It took a little while for my brain to process just how I felt and what I really thought of the situation.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not given the same level of respect and consideration to work out a solution and make things right between us. Mr. Fine made the decision to pull back without checking in with me first to see how I was doing later in the day. I felt that his conviction that I was not ready for the relationship and as a result he was pulling back until he felt I was ready caused me to feel that even though he had previously told me that he was committed to this relationship, that he really was not committed enough to stick with me on my bad days, to learn about my bad days, to learn the best way to communicate with me on my bad days, and for both of us to make adjustments in how we deal with my bad days. I do recognize that I would need to learn how to communicate with him on my bad days.

Mr. Fine also said that he felt that this relationship was moving too fast. In some ways he was correct. In other ways, he was not. We were not rushing to get married. We did not even rush to have the countless conversations that at times lasted all day and into the night. Instead, our conversations were like a breath of fresh air to me. I cannot speak of what they were like for him. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to him and he said he enjoyed listening to me. We asked each other many questions to get to know each other, using our answers to decide if our newfound relationship had the makings for the long-haul.

To me, once we made the commitment that we each were interested enough to know we wanted this new relationship to continue into the future, we found it difficult to back off on our conversations that we so enjoyed to make more room for life and responsibilities. We knew we would go into the future together. So, I was really taken aback and unprepared to learn that he was not ready to begin learning about our bad days and how to handle them with me. And honestly, I felt he was abandoning his words to me that he wanted to go into the future with me even though I heard him say that he was still here, not leaving; he was just delaying meeting in person until (my words here on what I remember of the message and may not be his exact words) I was ready, more healed from my past, able to hold it together on my bad days, less dramatic, and in my own words, more acceptable to him.

It was at this point that I realized that I had already lived an unhappy life married to my last husband feeling less than, less acceptable to him, constantly wondering how he felt about me and if I was worth putting forth the effort, and waiting, constantly wondering if he really did not want the divorce that he shouted at me that he wanted during an argument. My last husband never reassured me that he really did not want a divorce. After hearing it so many times, I finally believed him and gave him the divorce he had told me he wanted for several years. For my ex, the lesson was to be careful what you wish for.

But I have had four years of counseling since the divorce. Longer if you count the time before the divorce that I attended the healing process while I tried to figure out how to keep the marriage, then coming to terms with the fact that I alone could not save the marriage, then as I adjusted to being single once again, and then finally moving on to things that I had not yet dealt with due to life circumstances. It wasn’t as if I had not worked on my past at all. Like I said earlier I had spent my life in and out of counseling as needed. It was just that by this time I no longer had children living in my home and I could, for a time, concentrate on myself.

So, by the time I realized that Mr. Fine pulled himself away from me and left me hanging even though he was willing to reschedule further out, I had already gathered enough information to know that I could not hang on to him. I had already been down this path before with my ex-husband. I had already done the internal work that both counseling and personal growth brings to know through experience that no matter how much you care about another person and wish for them to go through the fire with you on your bad days and still want to be with you, it is worthless to hang on, that it is best to let go. It was best to let go of my hope that he would be there for me just as I wanted to be there for him, and to realize that he just was not ready for someone who was not perfect, still working on personal growth, still wanting to become a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday or today, still going to counseling and wanting Mr. Fine to join in so we could adjust together, to become stronger, and even more ready for the future we were walking into. I had to let go of my hope and expectations that Mr. Fine would live by his word to me, that he would visit at the agreed upon time, that we would finally meet in person, spend time together, and even attend a counseling session while he was to be in town. I had to accept that he is not where I am in the recovery process. Also, and most importantly, I had to remind myself that while Mr. Fine’s perception of me mattered to me because I cared for him, Mr. Fine’s opinion of me, my behavior that morning, and my physical and mental struggles were not more important than my therapist’s opinion of where I am at in my recovery. I had to decide that Mr. Fine would not understand where I have been and where I am going without coming down at the appointed time and attending a counseling session with me because Mr. Fine had already formed his opinion and perception of me without recognizing that his opinion and perception could be skewed, especially without asking me what is going on within me while talking for the first time since that morning; for I am the only one who can speak of what is going on inside of me, just like I cannot speak for him what he is feeling and thinking.

I’ve been down that path before with my ex-husband and it just does not work that way. It was obvious to me that while Mr. Fine thought I was not ready for him, all my inner work over the years made me aware that Mr. Fine was not ready for me. And so, even though I did not anticipate ending things with Mr. Fine last night, I did the only thing I knew was in my best interest. I let Mr. Fine go. I released him of his obligation to continue working with me towards the goal of building a future together. And then I told him that a wise man once told me that, “if you let someone go and they come back to you, that it was meant to be.”

What Mr. Fine did not learn during our conversation in which I gave up a strong connection to a man who stimulated me intellectually, I had a phone conversation earlier in the evening with a friend of forty years in which I was reminded of my worth without even mentioning that I was speaking to a gentleman on the phone daily. I was reminded of all that I have been through over these forty years and how repeatedly I have picked myself up with my belief system that there is a Creator who loves me unconditionally and that I could pick myself up. I was reminded that my friend stuck with me, cried with me, prayed with me and for me over the years as time after time I faltered and fell. I was reminded that I already have unconditional love even though my friend and I are not in a relationship together.

As amazing as the short-lived relationship was with Mr. Fine, what would feel even better than what he and I shared together would be knowing that even on my “off” days, my bad days, my days when I’m hurting too much to do much of anything, my days of feeling gloomy because I am hit with a bunch of requirements and bad news about my health, that he will be right by my side, holding me, reminding me how much he cares for me, asking me what he can do that can make my day go a bit better, and reminding me that it’s OK to not get to everything in one day. It's that ability to love another through the storm and remain solid even on days when I might not feel solid. But it doesn’t end there. I want to be the same thing for him. And if I cannot have these things with Mr. Fine, my friend of forty years reminded me that I have a greater purpose in life and that my focus should be on that greater purpose.

Yes, I have made mistakes with Mr. Fine, but nothing replaces that feeling of security like knowing that no matter what, my partner will be there for me.

Mr. Fine may not be Mr. Right for me, and I recognize that. More importantly, I recognize the growth I have made over the years I have spent on counseling and working on myself. I now have the strength and courage to recognize when something is not good for me, and to walk away with no hard feelings before it goes any further into a relationship that has the potential to turn sour later.

Was it a red flag? No. It did not glare me in the face. In fact, Mr. Fine has many wonderful qualities I look for in a man, and I’m not looking for a perfect man because a perfect man does not exist. But I did recognize that to remain in a relationship where I would have to put on a mask of perfection to prevent Mr. Fine from pulling away from me is not a healthy place for me to be in.

I honestly have no hard feelings towards Mr. Fine. In fact, I love Mr. Fine. He has taught me many things in our short relationship. Most importantly, he taught me about myself. For this and for the many fond memories he gave me, he will always hold a special place in my heart.