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Mr Big

When the new CIO makes an entrance and employees of the department store face The Future

By Tatiana OooPublished 3 years ago Updated about a year ago 8 min read
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Art by Cassia Roriz

In an attempt to keep the department store “with the times,” a Chief Innovation Officer was brought on to lead the way.

“Apparently, the new CIO is best friends with Elon Musk,” confidentially shared, the Head of Human Resources, Tom Morrow. “His name is Kimesh and he comes highly recommended!” proudly explained Tom during his regular gossiping session in the staff canteen. The new CIOs' affiliation with the Space Program alone had made his arrival quite anticipated amongst the other employees.

As a stipulation of his onboarding, a special introduction session was arranged—where he could appear in front of the entire staff with a presentation that detailed his vision and aimed to enlighten those who worked at the department store.

The buzz surrounding him was palpable. The entire week leading up to his presentation, one could hear employees muttering amongst themselves, wondering how one man could take their humble brick-and-mortar establishment and magically teleport it to the next level of evolution.

Curious to meet him and take full advantage of a potential networking opportunity, I rushed to get front row seats for me and my friend Amber, who worked as a Personal Shopper. Everyone knows, that it only takes seven seconds for someone to get a first impression—and I wanted mine to be attentive and professional, so I sat there, mid row, with my pen and my notebook open, resting on top of my knees.

On Friday August 15th at 8.00am everyone had gathered into The Learning & Development Auditorium at The Store. Located in the basement Level -1, the space had no natural light and was decorated with the padded brown faux leather chairs (theatre style) and framed portraits of the previous and current senior management. Today the ‘L&D’ Basement was packed as a tin of sardines, with staff eagerly buzzing amongst themselves ahead of the highly anticipated event.

Finally, the ceiling lights were dimmed, and the excited chatter instantly silenced as hundreds of eyes locked onto the stage, awaiting the illustrious new CIO.

With a perfectly trimmed beard and a fresh Californian tan, he confidently jumped onto the stage of The Store's subterranean basement, and introduced himself while strategically pausing and making everyone anxious to hear more: “Good morning! …I’m delighted to be here …with all of you today…My name is Kimesh Vandervalla! …How is everyone feeling …right now?”

Kimesh was met with a rapturously eager crowd.

Despite a widely known Seven Seconds First Impression Rule, the new CIO was already ahead of the schedule: just one look was enough for everyone to realise that he was a catch, with undeniable star quality that he humbly tried to play it down.

He wore a light blue shirt with rolled sleeves, tortoiseshell glasses, and the sustainable Sacai x Nike collaboration footwear that never knowingly been released but anticipated and highly coveted in deep web sneaker forums by the geekiest of sneaker aficionados. They had only been spotted on a few people and not one would confirm how they had been able to get a pair. They were rumoured to be made of a self-renewing type of Martian grown sea kelp that could self-heal even the worst of scuffs. The trainers were of course worn without socks.

“Tara, I wonder,” curiously whispered Amber, “How did he get these trainers? Do you think he has paid £50,000 to get these bad boys in the auction or... he did the “unthinkable” to get them?”

“Yep, I wondered about that also,” I said, recalling when Marcus, another Personal Shopper savvy within sneaker realms, used to highlight various “unthinkable'' strategies to get the most desired items. These strategies mainly involved butt naked Marcus doing things that will utmost certainty require post-traumatic therapy sessions.

“Look how pristinely white his pair is, clearly they had never once touched the ground outside. Or...he has a servant who scrubs off every dust particle with a toothbrush…” Amber concluded observationally as I nodded in agreement.

Kimesh, though he was not an especially large man by any definition, seemed to take up the entirety of the stage as he spoke. “Now…I promise…none of you will face the dreaded death by PowerPoint today!”

He pressed his clicker, and the first slide came up. It was a colourful picture of him as a child, he was wearing bright coloured clothing as he was peeking through garlands of marigolds. Kimesh described himself as a ‘Nerdy kid’ who spent hours a day reprogramming his parents computers and gadgets. Apparently, he had been raised in an average middle-class family far far away —and at 20, he had sold his first company (a digital GPS sneaker business that went viral in Eastern Europe) that he had built in his parents garage. He touched on how it transformed his life and the lives of others, as he gave all the cash towards schools in Antarctica. Kimesh talked about his many profitable ventures and how he worked on several ambitious and mind-boggling tech companies—saltwater automobile engines, lunar apartment complexes, and biomedically engineered tongues, to name a few. According to PowerPoint slides, all these innovations happened just 10 months apart.

“He looks like a fast mover. Do you think he is a marriage material or swings the other way?” enquired ever ready to commit Amber, as she smiled at Kimesh while stretching her long legs in front of him, just in case.

“Let’s wait and see, hard to tell at this point...” I whispered.

“And so,” Kimesh continued, “I am excited… to continue my professional journey ….at The Store…with you all! And… if you only take one thing away from my presentation today…it’s that we should never…get stuck in the past…Keep moving and looking towards The Future is The Key! Now…you might be wondering how my talents will be serving our new customers...”

I glanced around discreetly. The mood had shifted noticeably in the assembly hall—from excited to anxious. Here, lurking through the darkness of The Learning & Development Basement, a lot of employees, mainly dressed in all black, sat silently, observing with great anxiety the white sneakered optimist, who was showing them ‘The Future of Retail’. Many of them looked on doubtfully as Kimesh continued to make his ambitious claims.

The Pet Shop Department Manager, Dina Sore, looked particularly concerned. She had just earned her Long Service Award the week prior and was standing in the exact spot on that stage to receive her certificate and a gift card of £600 to celebrate her commitment over the last 20-years. Based on Dina’s expression, it looked as though, despite the instructions, she was reliving her past with dread and fearing her future even more, as innovative revelations of Kimesh kept pouring from the stage.

As he continued to poke silent attendees with mind altering phrases that he has learned from his MBA at Harvard, when he was only 19: “Rethink what You Know…” and “…I will revert back to you on what we can gain…” and “Let’s take a deep dive into that thought…”, there was something else that I could not help to notice.

Other than Kimesh’s expertly-crafted public persona, the next most glaring thing about Kimesh was his jeans—rather, what was inside his jeans. He wore black skinny denim pair that had probably done a few presentations just like this one in Silicon Valley. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with the trousers—but they were...especially tight with his accidentally or deliberately (it was hard to tell) showcased gift, that was leaning towards his right leg.

I caught myself blushing—it wasn’t just Kimesh’s business-savvy verbiage that was stealing This Morning’s Show. The size of his Johnston became even more apparent once he walked into the projector’s spotlight. It was impossible not to look at his crotch when he finally sat down on a stool in the middle of the stage.

And when his next slide came, showcasing a quote from the current Zappos' CEO (who probably also happened to be a close friend of the new CIO) I swear I heard a few emotionally charged gasps in the audience and one of them came from Amber. The slide read:

“WHATEVER YOU’RE THINKING, THINK BIGGER!”

“My thoughts exactly,” concluded Kimesh, pausing again to allow for the effect of the slide to sink in.

I didn’t want to come off as needy or lonely, but I couldn’t ignore the flutter in my gut as Kimesh continued his presentation, saying things like, “We need to puncture the current perception of retail...” and “Let’s pound at those low-hanging fruits through online pure-play!” and “We will penetrate the market and insert our vision...” and finally: “All our department store needs is a good, hard, thrust into the future!”

This is when I had to fan off my face with my notebook. Other than Kimesh, the room was dead silent. I leaned over to Amber and whispered, “Thoughts?”

“Um... maybe he’s hoping to make a long-lasting impact so that we have no doubts about his penetration abilities...in the digital field,” Amber whispered back. “Also, I’d like to check if those low-hanging fruits are organic or GMO. Think I should propose a tailoring appointment to measure his inside leg?”

“Only if you revert back to me…”

“Naturally. But if we’re being honest... I don’t think he’s going to last here very long.”

“My thoughts exactly,” whispered Dina from the row behind them. “We might be old fashioned, but we are not easily fulled.”

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About the Creator

Tatiana Ooo

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