Loving You Loudly

emerson

My life used to be amazing. It used to be everything I spent my whole childhood working towards.

I was on a full ride, leading the lineup and starting at second base for Arizona State University as a freshman. I had an incredible boyfriend and an amazing family.

It was everything I'd ever wanted.

It fell apart in a matter of weeks.

Austin and I met at an ASU baseball game. He was a junior and the starting catcher, and I was there to take a tour of my soon-to-be college.

We started dating shortly after. It was the best year of my life. He'd whisk me on romantic dates and weekend trips every chance he got. He attended every softball game he could and would spend hours helping me study whenever I needed it.

We were so in love. Part of me will always love him.

Our relationship lasted up until the end of his senior season when he was drafted to play professional ball for the Miami Marlins. He wanted me to come with him, but I knew I had to stay back and finish school.

Before he left, we completely cut off ties to try and make the whole process easier. I was so proud of him and wanted him to go into this new stage of life without any regrets or somber feelings.

We both had faith that if our love was as true as we thought it was, we'd find each other again.

That's what we promised each other at least. I have no idea how that worked out for him, but I know that it left me empty. He was my first love, and without him, I felt as if I was walking blindly through a maze. I went through life without him on autopilot.

Two weeks after Austin left, I was back home in Los Angeles for summer break. I thought visiting my family would be what I needed to help get me back on my feet.

It ended up being the worst decision I've ever made.

I was driving home from dinner with my mom when a drunk driver going in the wrong direction struck our car on the freeway. My mom died instantly, but she wasn't the only thing I lost that night. That driver didn't just take away my best friend; that was also the night I lost my hearing.

When Austin found out about the accident, it was the one time he's texted me since the breakup. He checked up on me and even though I didn't tell him what happened to me, I did tell him about my mom.

He wanted to take a flight out to visit me, but I told him that it'd be better if he didn't. I couldn't take any more pain and seeing him would have been excruciating.

That wasn't even the end of all the madness. Once I got back to school, I couldn't do anything as I had before. The only aid my school would offer me was someone who'd follow me to my classes to sign for me. I didn't even know how to sign yet.

I thought softball would be my sanctuary. The sport had been my safe place since I was a child, but not being able to hear my teammates and coaches while we were on the field always put me a step behind, and at a college level that intense, you can't afford to not be on the same level.

I ended up stepping away from both school and the sport. I packed up and moved back to Los Angeles with my dad who was still trying to pick up the pieces that were broken when my mom died.

It's been four years since then.

I'm twenty-three now, and I've adjusted to living without my hearing. I learned how to sign and to read lips when I'm speaking to people who can't sign. I can still speak as I did before the accident; it just took a while for me to feel comfortable with talking again because I can't hear what I'm saying.

I have a new boyfriend now, Adrian. We started dating about a year and a half ago. He's a defenseman for the Los Angeles Kings. We met at a Kings game actually.

I was signing with my dad and Adrian noticed. He started a conversation with us, and my dad and I were both blown away that he could sign.

Our relationship started with a bang. I moved in with him after six short months of dating.

The first year of our relationship was amazing. I traveled with him to all of his games, we went on trips with his family, and we even got the most adorable puppy -a husky-pomeranian mix named Max- right when I moved in.

Things went downhill shortly after.

Adrian's always been a hot head, so occasionally we would get into arguments. He'd scream so fast that his lips were unreadable, and then he'd calm down after he got it all out of his system. Gradually, it got worse, instead of just yelling at me, he started getting aggressive.

The first time he hit me was when I came back from a night out with the other wives and girlfriends. I was a little tipsy, and he got upset that I hadn't controlled myself. He spent the rest of the night shouting at me about how much I must have embarrassed myself and how stupid I was for drinking in public. He went on about how my lack of awareness would put his reputation on the line.

I tried to defend myself, to tell him it had only been a couple of drinks, but before I could get a full sentence out the palm of his hand made hard contact with my cheek. It wasn't enough to break the skin and draw blood, but even now, I can remember how bad it hurt. The first time is always the worst.

He raised his hand but before he could hit me again, I backed away, using my voice to apologize profusely and promising that it would never happen again.

It was odd right after. As soon as he saw me back away, the anger in his eyes quickly turned into sorrow. He brought his hand down, and let it hang awkwardly for a second before gently wrapping it to the small of my back.

His mouth dropped when I flinched from his touch. "Sweetheart..." he puts his fists together and drops his thumbs, the sign for his name for me. It was then that I had known how awful he felt. I could read it all over his face.

I didn't say anything, because honestly, what was I supposed to say.

"Baby," he pleaded with me, "you know I didn't mean it. I'm sorry that you saw me that mad, but you know that I love you with all of me. It will never happen again. I promise, my love."

I still don't know what sold it. If it was how kindly he spoke to me or if it was the promise altogether. I forgave him, and I do every time.

It happens often now, but he's under a lot of stress with the season and he just doesn't know how to control it. He loves me though, and I know he doesn't mean it.

This is how my story starts, and as of now, I have no idea where it'll take me, but I do know that there are still several chapters to be completed.