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Levels of Healing

I wish I could kill feelings

By ChantelPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
Levels of Healing
Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

From the outside I appear fine.

But I am not present. I am constantly thinking about you. It sucks.

I try to go about my day but you are constantly showing up and I am thinking of how much better situations would be if I had you by my side at this moment.

But then I think about what it would be like to truly be with you.

What if I mess that up? I have never had to be loyal. I have been perpetually single my whole life partially due to my fear of settling down with one person and having the people I want to settle with be unavailable.

If you were to call or text me at this time, what would be the point?

For us again to confirm feelings that can not be changed with actions anytime soon? It wouldn't do either of us well.

But I don't feel well with either of these decisions. Letting you go or holding on. Both don't feel right.

Even if I want to let you go, deep within I don't want to.

I know how great of a person you can be and a part of me doesn't want another girl to experience that with you. Call me selfish.

But at the same time, when I think about having you all to myself, I don't love that idea either. I think that I would be happy in the beginning, but then feel many moments of being unsure if this was the right choice?

I remember when we were physically together for more than 3 days or just vacation, there were times where I would become bored of your company. Or was I just upset about knowing that you were leaving?

I don't know. We both put up walls in different ways. We are both taurus and we are both stubborn as hell.

What if I get into a relationship with you, and mess it up through cheating?

I don't necessarily trust myself. When I feel like I am not receiving the attention I want- my past self would simply find someone else to entertain me. When you are in a relationship- I would need to make the conscious effort to say no.

I've always heard that after you are taken, that is when everyone starts wanting you. And that scares me too. I haven't ever had to deny anyone for a relationship before. If I wanted someone, I could always go for it without repercussions.

Being in a serious relationship where our finances are in play for it as well scares me. What if we break up- thats just a risk I would have to take?

I haven't told him because we aren't talking at the moment

But I was considering if we could live with my family. If we decided to be together to save money on rent. I have been planting the idea in my parents heads with a few hints here and there- asking questions about what if we never leave their house or get married, and my dad said if we pay rent it should work out. So it's just an idea.

But would that kill our relationship right away? I love sex. Would that change our sex life?

He also has a dog. Would my family be okay with my boyfriend living with us? it isn't just my decision.

But god I miss him so much sometimes. But I also think it's selfish to expect him to change his life to be with me when I didn't do the same for him.

I could have moved to Seattle. But I am glad I didn't. It didn't make sense at the time.

At the time I still didn't know what I wanted to do- I still don't really. I know it would be fun to be an active tour guide or set up events. I would really enjoy that.

It was good that I stayed so that I could be with my grandpa Richard for his last few living days. It was the first time that someone close to me has died.

Sometimes I look at the old pictures with Richard just 4 years ago- I didn't realize how fast old people can deteriate but it happens so quickly. He was fine in my eyes before I left and then Covid left him alone, sick, and skinny. He was so skinny. He was in pain. And to be with him during that time- was rough. Everyone is going to die.

And thats why I want to give a shot at this relationship. Eventually we are all going to die. Who do I want to spend my time with? Our limited time with?

If he wants to try it, I will too. I will have to try to learn how to be in a relationship along the way. But I would do it with him, if he still wants to.

At least that is how I feel at this moment.

I just loved how comfortable I was with him. I could show every single side of myself. And he would accept me. And that meant so much to me, I can't tell you how many times I felt that I have limited my full self in relationships and could only show parts of me.

I loved how comforting he would make me feel, just by having his presence near me.

My one struggle was always my ego with him. I would let my ego get in the way of many things. I would get jealous when he would spend time with his friends when I had limited time with him. Or when he would prioritize work over spending more time with me. It would make me so mad.

Sometimes I hate him. Hate that he prioritized himself even though I know it was for the best.

I was so mad that he couldn't just once be spontanious with me- he couldn't call. Or more so wouldn't. I felt like I was the only one reaching out and I got sick of it. I interpreted that as him not caring. Why should I care if he is the one who doesn't make an effort? I was tired of it and just stopped all communication from my end.

And of course he stopped on his end too. I hate that about him. I hated how his low self-esteem made him not reach out first. Or how he'd shut himself off. I hate hate hate it.

But I had to accept it. It's been 2 months since we've talked. He doesn't look at my snapchat. I stopped looking at his. I don't know what will happend with us.


About the Creator


I range from social justice issues to sexuality articles, all depends on my mood.

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