Letters To Exes Past And Myself, Finished With A Letter From My Husband

From the diary under my bed. In chronological order from 2015…

Dear Saddest Violin Playing The Saddest Song,

Ordinary thinkers are trapped by their inability to forgive. Extraordinary thinkers are constantly renewed and released by forgiveness. All freedom begins in forgiveness. All forgiveness begins in the mirror. Our time on this earth is too short. Our Universe is large. I refuse to waste my opportunity with anger and victimhood. Nothing cleanses like forgiving. Nothing releases like forgetting.

As forgiveness grows in my life, my anger melts away. I forgive and I am happy. I forgive and I am empowered. I forgive and I am transformed. I am forgiving and forgiven in my life. I forgive myself for all the times I took us for granted and failed to express just how special you are to me. I forgive myself for failing you and not being the kind and understanding companion during your times of need.

Today I choose forgiveness over anger, hatred, and self-destruction. I forgive and I am cleansed. I forget and I am released from the chains of sorrow that were binding me from true happiness. I forgive all that I can and I choose to forget what I must. I choose to live a life that embraces happiness. Forgiving is the gift that keeps on giving.

I choose forgiveness.

I experience forgiveness.

I become forgiveness.

I forgive you. I forgive you today. I will forgive you tomorrow. And I will forgive you always.

Dear Self,

You know deep down in your heart, he doesn’t love you like you deserve.

You know what you’re worth.

So, fucking man-up and leave before your heart gets obliterated.

Dear Self,

So today I checked my Gmail because something told me to do so and to my surprise his Gmail’s profile picture is a picture of us when we were here in NY together. Why on earth? Why would he do such a thing? No messages. Just that picture as his display.

And then coincidentally my mentor sends me a song by one of the artist’s he’s managing and it’s called “Real Men Don’t Hit Women”. Listening to it gave me déjà vu. And it was also a reminder to not look back and not even so much as think or feel the least bit sorry for him.

You know what he did. The facts are clear. Crystal clear. They don’t need to be analyzed. They are there, in bright black and blue bruises.

No looking back, forward only Mama.

You are strong and powerful and capable of all. You are limitless and full of possibilities. You know how to make the impossible, possible. You are the channeler and can bring anything into fruition.

I went to the living room and carried Suna and it reminded me of all those nights that I was in Rochester alone. And I’d say to her “it’s just me and you Sun.” And I just got so overwhelmed with sadness. Sadness at everything bad that I went through. Sad at seeing that he changed his picture to something that is now an impossibility in all realms. Sad, mourning the loss of a fantasy love. Of something that I thought was the ultimate dream but turned out to be the worst nightmare.

And grateful at the same time, that this I where I am. Not alone. With family and friends that care. Above all that I am safe and that I am becoming myself again. The amazing woman I know.

Dear Cat Got Your Tongue,

I will always think of that first kiss with you the day after meeting in the park and freezing. My feet were so cold as I was walking to the train. We sat that night in front of the pond in suspense of what was to come. In suspense of what that first embrace would be like. I will cherish that first kiss forever, along with our other moments in which it felt like time stood still.

After what happened with him, I never thought I’d feel anything for anyone for a while. But I am grateful for the moments shared with you because I could feel. I could care. I could be open to love and happiness and frozen moments in time.

Even if those moments are the only thing I keep, I will hold on to them forever.

Because I lived them.

Because I was me without regard for the world or stress or anxiety, just raw happiness and the thrill of what could be.

So thank you for that. I will always think of you fondly.

Despite this, sometimes when I am alone, I cry. Because I feel everything at the same time. The pain of before. The joy of right now. The overwhelming change and courage of tomorrow. I cry when I am alone and that I am alone.

Alone.

I cry because I miss my dad. I cry because I miss running in the fields in the blazing sun. I cry because I don’t know when I’ll ever hear another significant other say I love you. I cry because of my art. I cry because of my family. I cry because I’m a romantic. I cry because of all the books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen. I cry because of time. Because of change. And manifesting things into this realm. I cry because I can’t express my thoughts to someone else who could understand.

I cry because I am so grateful for who I am. For the limitless potential I have inside. I feel this intensity sometimes. Like I don’t know what to do with all I feel.

All I can do is cry.

I cry because of the heartaches. All of them. Combined. The people I’ve been hurt by. I cry because I am magnificent and its so intense but liberating at the same time.

Dear Cat Got Your Tongue,

I don’t know what you want. Every time we see each other, the affection diminishes.

You used to run your fingers through my hair as you kissed me passionately. You used to caress my feet under the kitchen table. We’d ride the subway together and you’d hold my hand so tightly and gently at the same time. You’d hold my hand in the middle of the night. Even if you didn’t cuddle me, you’d make sure that you could feel some part of me next to you.

We haven’t kissed since last year.

Every encounter feels less personal and more like a business transaction where we simply exchange pleasure with our bodies. Is it even a connection when our bodies are connected but our minds are not? What happened to our connection? Your actions are influenced by your feelings and although you won’t tell me what caused it, I know there was a shift because now we’re drifting away from each other.

With our last encounter, I realized two truths. The first, that the nature of your desire for me had become purely physical, disconnected, primal and egotistical in nature. I wasn’t sure of that before, but now I am. I also wasn’t sure if it was something I’d be willing to have with you. Was I willing to demote all those beautiful moments we shared to this mediocre excuse for lovemaking? Was I willing to justify us as connected? As having a connection? And the answer is no.

That’s the second truth, that I’ve reached my limit and concluded that I am not willing to put myself through this game where I try to thread what little words and touches are exchanged into an actual tangible connection.

There is nothing here anymore.

Sometimes I question if there was anything ever there. To me there was and that time we spent where things were beautiful, I will cherish. The sad thing is that I know nothing of how you feel and what your thoughts on the matter are, but again that just goes on to the pile of evidence that the line of communication between us doesn’t exist.

Under other circumstances, the shift may have never happened and you and I would be happy as clams right now. I wish you well. In everything. I did like you, more than you’ll ever know. If one day things are different- I might be here. But for now, I’m afraid our middle of the night adventures will have to cease.

Dear One For All,

If I had to pick a sound to describe how I feel in my life right now I think this song would be it; adventure, joy, love, excitement, thrill, happiness and just absolute magnificence.

You and I have had the pleasure of hanging out together 6 times so far and I just want to really savor this moment. This chapter in whatever it is that we are experiencing. I just feel this incredible high when I’m around you. I feel like you’ve been able to see me how I see me from the first time we met- remember you caught me building that tiny snowman in Columbus circle?

The point is, that I love these butterflies I feel when I have a vivid image of you. I cherish every moment we have been able to share. The VR goggles, cat mummy adventures, talking smack during Mario & Super Smash Brothers. Our middle-of-the-bed picnic dinners, peanut butter & jelly at 2:00am while laughing uncontrollably at whateverness. Slow dancing to tunes, listening to Law of Attraction videos, you playing your guitar, and our incredibly amazing energy. These are things that will stay with me always.

In the short time we’ve been in each other’s lives, I’ve learned so much about myself and harnessing my abilities. Being able to connect with the life force of the Universe stands out as the single most important event of my short existence thus far and for that I will be perpetually grateful to you. You are such a special and rare individual. You make me feel like I want to conquer the world. Knowing you has transformed me into an even better version of myself. You have so much knowledge and positivity always radiating from you that it’s contagious and it makes me want to be that contagious positive force influencing others to be better versions of themselves.

You have been an amazing blessing in my life. I will never seize to being amazed by who you are. And I will always comprehend your magnificence. You are incredible. I am grateful every day that you are a part of my life. Though I know not what your defining role will be in the comedy that is my life, know that you have already impacted the course of my development forever. Thank you for being amazing.

I will dare to do more, because you do more every day.

Dear One For All,

Haven’t talked to you in a bunch of days. Wondering what you’re up to.

I miss being held and kissed, and did I mention held? Moments like that are so fleeting. I miss feeling loved, going to sleep at night cuddled up, knowing that I’m loved.

It’s not about missing a particular person. Just a particular feeling.

Though if I could have it my way, I’d snuggle up on your fur right now and have you run your fingers through my hair.

Dear One For All,

Does your hear ache for me? Do you wonder what I am doing during random parts of the day?

The biggest fear that I have is that the reality that I am living in as I am perceiving it, is not my actual reality.

I enjoy the moments entangled with you the most because they feel the most real. How can I break through this mental barrier? How can I allow myself to love you freely? I mean, you are just so magnificent. You have impacted my life the most out of anyone I have ever been with. You are unbelievable. And I will be perpetually grateful.

When I see you, I’m going to hold your face in my hands and kiss you. Then I will put our foreheads together and allow myself to feel each other’s thoughts.

Dear One For All,

It’s days like today when you are away in your own world and I don’t hear from you that the concept of us feels abstract. You feel like a far away dream. Like a memory more than an actuality.

And I feel alone.

Deeply alone.

Like the void that is supposed to be full when you’re with someone isn’t full at all. It doesn’t feel like we’re together. I care about you a lot. When I don’t hear from you at all, all I can picture is you with someone else. It pains me more that you don’t seem bothered at all at the thought of me laying naked on someone else’s chest. I’m trying to take things one day at a time. But this idea of us seems very aloof, up in the air. I stop myself from daydreaming about the long term future with you because I don’t know how that plays into the realm of possibilities of us in your mind.

Furthermore, I think why it really bothers me not to hear from you is because when we’re together you are on your phone 75% of the time. And I’m pretty sure that you text whoever else you’re with. It bothers me that you don’t text me at all sometimes, probably when you’re with whoever. The more I write the more I realize they’re my own insecurities being projected.

But the someone else, is real.

And the loneliness, that is real.

Very real right now. I know what I feel for you is real because if it wasn’t my heart wouldn’t ache like it does.

It’s real, just like my tears.

Dear Self,

Have my sights set on bigger dreams. More innovative and filled with lots more passion. Everything in this world is possible.

The minute you start listening to your inner voice guided by love, you will start to do the things that truly make you happy. And then when you least expect it, you will be able to see what you couldn’t see before.

The path to perpetual joy revealed before you.

Eternal bliss at the palm of your hands.

Dear Self,

I love being me. It exhilarates me to have this mind and this body though they are both just vessels, for which the Universe can flow through.

I love how much I laugh every day and how contagious my energy is. I love my energy, so positive and joyful. I am limitless. In both thinking and surrounding. Abundance doesn’t just surround me. It is me. I breathe, eat, and live abundance. In all areas of my life.

I feel the Universe inside me. Pulling at my heart to feel what it feels. The interconnectedness with the world. I am the world. I am all the beauty encompassed into one being. I am the flow of life. I am the Universe.

Therefore, I am in everything and I have everything.

All desires. All wants. All Gives.

Only Forward. Only up. That’s where I go.

A magnet for beautiful things. A magnet for magnificence shining inside me. A whirlwind of one emotion.

Love.

For the world, for all, for me. Because we are one in the same.

To my Andrilisa from your husband,

I remember your first phrases on Tinder when we matched. That joy you transmitted and the excitement of wanting to talk to me and get to know me. I realized then that you were special to me.

That you would try to arrange any way possible for us to meet face to face was fascinating to me, as was that first encounter. Never in my life will I forget that moment, to see such beauty walking towards me smiling as you saw me. That energy I felt as we embraced in a hug for the first time was magic. As if we already knew each other from before and finally we had found one another.

Since then, I had a lot of appreciation for you but when I saw that despite my meager home and the state of my situation, you still wanted to be by my side, I realized what a great person you are. How strong you are. If you want something you go after if without doubting it. What a kind person you are towards others. Even when they hurt you, you always try to find the positive to maintain harmony. Those qualities made me fall in love.

You worked so hard so that I could have a better place to live and you weren’t going to move in with me, even though for sure you would always be there. You were worried I would think you were taking advantage of me. But I didn’t want to separate myself from you. I wanted to put us to the test because I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you if we were able to live together peacefully. It would mean that I had finally found my woman.

I know that I am complicated, that I may seem like an idiot and that I may not care for certain things, but that is not the case. I feel like I am in the most important moment of my life.

I ask you two things. First that you are patient with me. You know that everything is new for me, absolutely everything. Leaving the house is always an odyssey for me. Second, I ask for your forgiveness for all the times I have caused you pain. Every time I see you cry or we argue, I feel like something dies inside of me. I just want to always see you with a smile on your face. To see you in peace.

I know that the best decision of my life was also the one that scared me the most: asking you to marry me.

Not only do I not regret it at all, in fact with every passing day I am overjoyed knowing that I took that step. With you I am happy. Being able to see you every night sleeping next to me fills me with delight. Talking to you about anything liberates me, gives me peace and confidence. I love when I have to take the laptop away because you fell asleep watching your favorite show. I love caring for you. Giving you my love and showing it to you every moment I can is my purpose every morning.

That you are happy is my goal in life because you deserve it.

I love you now and always.