James Bond, Anyone?

I never thought I might have had an exciting relationship life as far as men are concerned, but looking back now, somewhere half way through my life, I actually realize it was quite fun. So, why not have some fun and reveal the most interesting ones? And why not make it even more exciting and see how they compare to my all-time hero, James Bond. So, here goes.

The James Bond Standard:

1 Always gets what he wants

2 Always has time for sex

3 Always gets lucky

4 Always knows where to start

5 Always has a flexible approach

6 Always wins

7 Always mixes business with pleasure

8 Always has a friend ready to help

9 Always has a cool line handy

10 Always gets results

11 Is unparalleled charming and has an unparalleled sexy smile

Bonus: Always shows up half naked, at the right time and driving a bad-ass car.

Stories courtesy of Classification.com – Website for the classification of Kiki's life movies

”Life with Dad”

Genre: Tragedy, Comedy, Coming of Age, Bucket List

Rated: N-00-...

Running time: To date

Awards: Various nominations, multiple awards. Main award: The slap in the face that hurt the most

Synopsis

Life with Dad is a movie about lessons, judgement, unspoken accusations, support and lack of, humor, given all that could be given, good days, bad days, about everything. Dad was always not there, while mum was always everywhere. Dad was the type of person who appreciated peace and quiet and who was willing to sacrifice his daughter’s feelings for the peace and quiet of and with his wife. Dad was the type of person who had trouble making decisions on his own or to step up, or so it seemed. Dad was the type of person with a great sense of humor, who in his younger years, used to have a few friends in work and who, as a child, was always free, but never felt good enough or appreciated. Dad was the type of person who did mostly what his wife or other people told him to. Dad was the type of person who seemed to be an introvert and hardly ever got upset or angry (at least not when anyone else was looking). Dad was the type of caring person who wanted everybody to be content. Dad was the type of person who didn’t let go easily and who didn’t like change. Dad was the type of person who was looking for someone to share his passions with – his knowledge about cars, books and everything of the world. Dad was the type of person who, as time progressed, became more and more tied to the past. Dad was the type of person who didn’t know how to adapt to major changes, except through suffering – one such example being unemployment. Dad was the type of person who took negative comments personally and to heart, ever since he had been a child. Dad was the type of person who never knew his father and who was raised by his aunt and mother, when the latter was around. Dad was the type of person who, in his youth and throughout his life, seemed to have been looking for a freedom that no one was able to grant him. Dad was the type of person who didn’t use to say much, but one could figure out how he felt, by the way he said things. Dad was the type of person who every now and then was suffering from PMS and when he did, you had better stayed out of his way. Dad was the type of person who could be equally grumpy, or cheerful and funny. Dad was the type of person who did not appreciate being nagged and did or did not do, things in his own time. Life with dad seemed to navigate around these preferences. Nowadays Dad is a little older and wiser. Dad is the type of person who does Reiki and takes care of his wife and mother-in-law. Dad is the type of person who has time for everyone and for himself. Dad is the type of person who moves a little slower, makes or tells the same jokes or stories over and over. But every time he does, he does so with the same humor and zest. As a child, she did not understand all the principles of how to be in this relationship. As a teenager, she got slapped in the face once, and the injustice of that burned on for years, as much as the physical pain. As a child and teenager she would have wished for another Dad, one who would always be there, to mitigate her relationship with her mother. As an adult, slowly she began to understand why life with Dad had been and was life with Dad and not ‘the adventure with Dad’ and also, why and what she had been seeking in her relationships with all the males that at some point were part of her life. As an adult she began to understand and accept life with Dad, as it had been and as it was.

J.B. Standard: Always had a cool line handy, luck was always on his side, even if he didn’t know it, and he was charming in his own way.

Audience Rated: 79%

”The German Teacher”

Genre: Comedy, Underage Romance

Rated: N-12-13

Running time: A few months, about a year

Awards: Multiple nominations, 'You got a lift on this bike!' Award

Synopsis

The German Teacher is about her first crush on a mature man. It happened when she was in 7th grade. When he, the German teacher, first stepped into their classroom, she wanted to run and hide: shame, attraction, warmth, all seemingly emanating from his athletic body, tall and vigorous, from his blonde messed-up-neat hair, his blue eyes, his warm look and his firm but tender voice. For about a year she kept feeling these sensations and every now and then new ones, every time he stepped into the classroom and every time she saw him. Their relationship peaked one sunny day, when she, immaculately dressed in her white blouse and blue skirt, was desperately running to make it to the end of the term gathering on time and he, coming down the same street, riding his bicycle, with his white shirt tied around his waist, stopped and whispered gently to her: ‘Climb onto my tube, I’ll give you a ride.” Years later she was bitterly disappointed to have found out he had divorced his wife and married one of her own classmates.

J.B. Standard: He knew where to start (in class!), he always got what he wanted (knowledge and creative thinking from his pupils!), he had a cool bicycle and displayed one unique unforgettable shirtless appearance.

Audience Rated: 90%

"First Love”

Genre: Romantic comedy

Rated: N-13

Running time: A few days

Awards: Multiple nominations, 'First kiss and first suffocating kiss by tongue' Award

Synopsis

First Love is a movie about two young teenagers from the block. She, staying with her grandmother while her mother was in hospital, he an inhabitant of the aforementioned block. As it was summer, kids and teenagers had nothing better to do in the evenings than hang and hang out around the block. Their relationship was brief, but intense, filled with new sensations and feelings. Such as: holding hands for the first time with a male who was about her age, being touched and feeling suffocated by the first French kiss that seemed to go all the way down her throat and never-ending.

J.B. Standard: Always knew where to start (and where to touch).

Audience Rated: 80%

”Second Love”

Genre: Coming of age, Romantic, Drama

Rated: N-15-25

Running time: About 10 years

Awards: Multiple nominations. 'The longest time in love, the shortest sex and the biggest teenage regret' Award

Synopsis

Second Love is about two neighborhood neighbors, about the same age, who, although did not grow up together, met in their teenage years and in a way, reached maturity together, yet apart. He was (at least that is how she saw him) a handsome, smart and sexy guy, the type of guy you can’t help noticing, who loved the rain and tea and whose passions were airplanes and flying. She (the way she saw herself) was shy, lacking experience and filled with dreams and fantasies. Not really stemming from different backgrounds, but rather coming from different circles, she somehow always felt like she wasn’t ‘good enough’ for him. Along the way she also noticed that he was in love with the blonde living in the same apartment block as her. Somehow, for about 10 years, the feeling of ‘I am so in love’ and ‘I can’t wait to see him’ never cooled down. Somehow, she was left in limbo for the longest time, hoping for something to happen, even though after telling him how she felt he was only able to say ‘I’ll think about it, I don’t know what to say now.’ Somehow, during the course of 10 years, there were two fucks, unfortunately memorable for all the wrong reasons, and a few interesting chats over tea. Somehow, for over 10 years the questions ‘why’ and ‘what if’ were left unanswered. Somehow, after another 10 years, when they met in the supermarket, he a pilot, smelling of cigarette smoke, smiling a tired smile, married with a child, she realized that she had finally probably found her answers.

J.B. Standard: Always showed up in the visual field at the right time and in the right angle, he had a cool Trabant and a cool motorbike, friends who were always willing to help, cool lines handy and an unparalleled sexy smile and voice.

Audience Rated: 70%

”My First Real Boyfriend”

Genre: Adventure, Sexy, Romantic Comedy turned into Heartbreak, Coming of Age

Rated: N-21

Running time: A few weeks

Awards: Multiple nominations, Oscar for The Most Mind-Blowing Sexual Experience

Synopsis

My First Real Boyfriend is a coming-of-age-in-the-neighborhood movie. He was what one might call the ‘Keanu Reeves’ of the neighborhood: bad sexy, somewhat older (and thus, more experienced), very gentle, always smiling and… incredibly sexy. They were introduced in late summer (after hopeful dreaming and covert stalking performed by her for weeks in a row) in the neighborhood. Their first talk was about the things they loved the most – they were both in love with fries and this was an obvious sign that they were about to have a profound relationship. She was wearing a blue, long summer dress, he was wearing sexy. Shortly after they met, she met his mother, who fell in love with her, as much as she had fallen in love with him. They shared a few unforgettable moments, among which a legendary ejaculation, never paralleled by any other man in her life, that left its mark both in her life, as well as all over the interior of the borrowed tent they went to the lake with. But, after a short while, she realized that he needed time to recover from his recent divorce, that he was avoiding responsibility for his actions, feelings and his life, that he depended too much on his parents (on his mother in particular) and that he did not really knew what he wanted from anything and anyone, including her. During this time the second real boyfriend had found his way into her life as well, and this somehow made her decision easier. After a heartbreaking two-week transition period from boyfriend one to boyfriend two, in which all romance and adventure had gone down the drain and transformed into heartbreak, hope regained only to be definitively lost, everything came to an end…

J.B. Standard: Good naked upper body - check, friends who were always ready to help - check, time for sex - check, sexy smile – check.

Audience Rated: 80%

”My Second Real Boyfriend”

Genre: Romantic Comedy turned Drama, Coming of Age

Rated: N-21

Running time: Blurry

Awards: Multiple nominations, 'You did it to yourself' Award

Synopsis

My Second Real Boyfriend is a movie about her second real boyfriend. They met in karate class. He was somewhat younger and restless, she was somewhat older and, apparently, wiser. They met several times, they liked each other, spent time together in never-ending talks and kisses and similarly never-ending transcriptions of courses and homework and some other stuff that she was doing for him, as for some never quite clear reason, he rarely ever made it to most of his classes. After some time had passed she realized that she was dealing with a little emotional blackmailer, a dubious character, of which her mother had actually warned her after she first met him, and with her then wisdom, weighing pros and cons, she decided to stop the exploitation experience.

J.B. Standard: He knew how to get what he wanted and he always came out on top of things.

Audience rating: 40%

*Screen writer’s note: After revisiting the last two movies they might have happened in reverse order. All else stands.

”The Money Lover”

Genre: Adventure, Sexy, Drama, Psychological Thriller

Rated: N-23

Running time: Blurry, most likely a few weeks

Awards: Multiple nominations, Oscar for Best Actor in A Leading Role and WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

Synopsis

Money Lover is a movie about a big crush, physical attraction, betrayal and mind games. He, another karate boy, sexy, in excellent shape, quite intelligent, with charmingly intelligent lines handy and a sexy smile. She, head over heels in love and beside herself, that he, the sexy male, thought of her to be good enough to be with him… He a very focused man, with one goal in mind: money, squeezing money out of everything and everybody and making more and more money. A very intense and brief relationship bookmarked by financial loss – money borrowed and never returned, by instructions on how she was to behave, especially in relation to his parents, by a lot of sex at least as many tears and a constant recurring theme and stories about his ex’s ugly character, who had left him without any explanations overnight and went to work on a cruise ship. A relationship that ended abruptly in the middle of the road with “Look, there she goes, the bitch! Hold this Coke, I need to talk to her. She needs to explain herself.”

Audience Rated: 20%

"Almost Wedding Crashing"

Genre: Adventure, Romance

Rated: N-27

Running time: A few months

Awards: Multiple nominations, 'The What If' Award

Synopsis

Almost Wedding Crashing is a movie about a wedding that nearly did not happen and about a relationship that could have happened. As it happens in a lot of life movies, love found them in the workplace. Or did they find love in the workplace? Who the hell knows? They were two people who always laughed at each other’s jokes and who secretly were longing to spend more time together than they were spending on their lunch breaks – when they couldn’t make a move because of the co-workers - , during nights out, coffee breaks or office parties. A movie about a love viscerally lived by both, lived from the bottom of their being and their hearts. He was about to marry his high school (or college?) girlfriend, and even though he doubted everything he had and was full of hope and promises towards what he thought he wanted or really did want, the scale finally tipped in favor of what had already been there. Throughout the movie there are pleasant, very pleasant and amazing moments shared, funny and hilarious moments, a lot of humor, some sex, excitement, a little long distance love, simple but beautiful presents, many love letters and a couple of threatening phone calls from you might have guessed who.

J.B. Standard: Time for sex, unparalleled smile, business and pleasure, plenty of cool lines, very very cool.

Audience Rated: 90%

”Finally”

Genre: Romance turned Drama of Her Life

Rated: N-30

Running time: Somewhat over 3 years

Awards: Multiple nominations, Greatest Disappointment, 'Most Venom Spat and Longest Sex Break after a Relationship' Award. Also 'Last Real Relationship' Award.

Synopsis

Finally is a movie in which she finally felt that the man of her life had come along, the man with whom she felt prepared to take the final leap. They met on the Internet and two weeks later he had booked his flight ticket to come and meet her. She was thrilled. She had never met anyone like him. She had never felt what she felt for him, she had never dreamed like she was dreaming of him. The first hurdle was the 8-months hurdle, when he suddenly declared that he had fallen in love with someone else and that that was the end. And for a few weeks, it was the end. But, as it happens, sometimes people change their minds and he, for reasons unknown, decided to come back to her. Somewhere between holidays, taking turns visiting, meeting the parents, generosity, love, ecstasy, connection, presents and a bright future, she felt that everything was starting to crumble like a sand castle hit by too strong waves or built with the wrong type of sand. And without so many words, but with lots of lies and dragging the end out, the love of her life ceased to exist, shattered, along with the dreams and plans they (but apparently only she) had made. A love betrayed, a love who chose another love, a love that hurt more than most others and a love that poisoned more than all others. A love that continued to exist for a while in her mind and which truly ceased to exist only afer a few years.

J.B. Standard: Nice naked upper body, bad-ass cars, flexible approach, guaranteed results, sexy smile.

Audience Rated: 80%

Short Movies Category

”Something Else Disguised As Sex”

Genre: Drama, Porno, Sexy, Comedy, Coming of age, Psychological Thriller, Adventure, Independent

Rated: N-35-43

Running time: A few years

Awards: Multiple nominations, Oscar for The most repeated pattern

Synopsis

Lots of sex with men who mostly had no potential and were emotionally unavailable, always accompanied by her thoughts and feelings of “why is he rejecting me, why is nothing happening, why does he not like me, I am not good enough.”

J.B. Standard: More or less spectacular naked bodies, cool cars and cool motorbikes, nearly always time for sex, always ending up on top of things and always getting what they wanted.

Audience Rated: 40%

"The Orphan”

Genre: Sexy, Drama

Rated: N-39-43

Running time: A few months over about years

Awards: Multiple nominations, The most neurons wasted Award.

Synopsis

The Orphan is a movie about two people who met to get respectively to give business advice. It s a movie about two people who had so many things in common and developed such a deep friendship that when after more than 2 years, when she finally ventured towards the first kiss it all felt awkward. But good. And right. And nice. And logical. It is a movie about him, both mature and immature, both intelligent and stupid, filled of fears and guilt and emotions un-dealt with but also hopeful. It is about him, who found his mother dead in the bathtub when he was 21, about him, who had the most complex family relationships, about him, who watched mostly from afar how his father slowly and painfully exited physical life by cancer. It is about him, who loved dogs and always had one, who liked motorbikes and who was sometimes very generous, other times very stingy, who often times told it like it was and who often times lied, who was searching himself and who was trying. It is about her, who was searching herself and who was desperately trying to understand, but never could. About her, who could never really cope and who never really succeeded in being the way he wanted her to be and the way she wanted to be too. About her, who, before she met him used to say that she wanted to be with an orphan, so that she would be spared the parent relationship drama. About her, who cried enough, who tried a lot, who wanted a lot and who in the end, chose to leave. Twice.

Audience Rated: 69%

”Nemesis – a. k. a. My Second Real Boyfriend Resurrected”

Genre: Sexy, Drama, Psychological thriller

Rated: N-38-40

Running time: Sporadic moments, for about 2 years

Awards: Multiple nominations, 'The most number of wasted neurons in a relationship in the shortest amount of time' Award, Oscar for 'How Could You Be So Stupid?!'

Synopsis:

Nemesis is part II of the movie My Second Real Boyfriend. Out of too much boredom she looked him up on Facebook and he replied to her message. He had been working on a cruise ship for years and, as she was about to find out later, every 7-9 months he would come home on holidays, waiting for his contract to be renewed. On the first ‘date’ he went straight to sex and she accepted. After the first ‘date’ he confessed that he did not really have much time ‘to do things’ or anything (except for sex, as she was about to find out and accept). His specialty was disappearing just as he appeared, without a peep and popping back up into her life months later, apologizing with a phone call. Which she always accepted. The movie ends with a dark period of time, disturbing and disturbed, in which he could not see the forest for the trees, was depressed, holding a grudge because of the way his last contract ended, desperately trying to get back for one more year. A period in which she ‘supported’ him, meaning listened to all the bullshit stories about work and the ex, let him in at hours past anyone's normal visiting hours, had sex with him, helped him with translations and all sorts of other bullshit, telling him she would be willing to wait for him to come back. A period that ended with a fiery fight on the phone, when she finally said No. And actually, the movie really ends about a year later, when her answer to his 'I’m really sorry, I’d like to see you' was I don't think I want to see you. The End.

J.B. Standard: Always (when he and only he had time), he had time for sex. All other categories: non-applicable.

Audience Rated: 30%

”Dream Lover”

Genre: Romance, Adventure, Love, Independent, Comedy

Rated: N-45-100

Running time: No expiration date

Awards: Multiple nominations, Oscar in all categories, best award for appreciation and happiness

Synopsis:

A masterpiece unfolding, a movie that won the Oscar in each and every category.

Audience Rated: 100%