I’ve Been Secretly Sabotaging My Roommate’s Smart Home With Dead Batteries

Okay, I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, and honestly, stepping back, I can admit it’s pretty silly, but hear me all the way out. My roommate is completely, utterly obsessed with smart home technology. I’m talking about everything in this apartment being voice‑activated, motion‑sensed, or connected to some app that needs constant updating, calibrating, and adjusting. Lights, plugs, remotes, even the darn air freshener, it’s all “smart.” And sure, sometimes it’s genuinely cool. I’ll give him that. But most of the time? It’s just plain annoying. Nothing drives me crazier than standing there repeating yourself three times because a light bulb didn’t hear you clearly, or watching him pace around frustrated, red‑faced, because some gadget decided not to work for absolutely no reason at all.

The absolute worst offender, though? His fancy voice‑controlled smart TV remote. It dies constantly or so he firmly, angrily believes. Every couple of days I hear him huffing and puffing from the living room, shouting at the screen, shaking the remote as if it owes him money, and throwing these massive dramatic fits about how this is unacceptable and ridiculous and “how can everything be this bad?” Then without fail, he grabs his keys, marches straight out to the store, and buys yet another brand‑new pack of batteries. He goes through them faster than I go through coffee. It’s honestly absurd how much money he’s pouring into AAs and AAAs week after week, and I’m sitting there watching it all unfold.

So here’s my evil little secret that I’ve been keeping for weeks now: I’ve been swapping them out this entire time. Every single time he opens a fresh pack, I quietly sneak in while he’s in the bathroom or busy yelling at another gadget, and replace the shiny new batteries with old, drained ones I’ve been carefully collecting. These aren’t totally, completely dead they’re just barely alive enough to make something flicker for a few minutes, maybe half an hour at most, before fading out completely. Then I stash the brand‑new ones in my own drawer, where I’ve been building up quite the impressive stockpile. I’ve got a ton of wireless peripherals for my computer keyboard, mouse, headset, controller, all that stuff so I go through batteries constantly anyway. Free batteries? Chef’s kiss. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to my desk setup and my wallet.

He has literally no clue. Not even a hint of suspicion. He’s fully convinced the store is selling him defective batches. He’s complained to his mom about it! He’s written off entire brands as garbage! He’s even seriously researched expensive rechargeable battery sets because he’s convinced every single pack he touches is somehow cursed! It’s been going on for about a month now, and every single time he storms off to buy replacements, I quietly swap in my stash of dead ones and add the fresh ones to my ever‑growing pile.

I feel slightly bad. Okay, maybe a tiny little bit. Watching him stress out and spend all that money knowing it’s my fault? Yeah, there’s a little twinge of guilt there. But then I look at my drawer full of perfectly good batteries, remember how annoying his constant tech meltdowns are, and that guilt just kind of melts away. It’s equal parts petty revenge and brilliant convenience, honestly. He’s pouring so much cash into batteries and I haven’t bought a single pack in weeks.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up before he catches on or before he starts buying those industrial‑grade batteries that last forever, but for now? It’s the most convenient, petty little win I’ve ever pulled off. I guess this is my confession. I’m a battery thief. I’m causing my roommate unnecessary stress and making him think the entire battery industry is broken. And honestly? I’m probably gonna keep doing it until he finally figures it out. 😅