I'm a Serial Relationship Saboteur (and I Hate That About Myself)

Okay, I know this is super messed up. Like, genuinely terrible. But I need to get it off my chest.

I've got this group of friends from high school. We're all in our late twenties and early thirties now. Everyone's starting to settle down, getting into serious relationships, talking about marriage, kids, all that stuff. Meanwhile, I'm still single as hell. And honestly? I'm fine with that. I'm not looking to settle down anytime soon.

But here's where it gets ugly.

The Habit

Whenever one of my friends introduces a new partner, I go full detective mode. I'm talking deep dives into their social media, scrolling back years. I ask mutual friends about them. I just gather as much dirt as I possibly can. Anything embarrassing, anything shady, anything I can use.

And then I start planting seeds.

I don't outright lie. I just drop little hints. Twist things a little. Highlight old drama that doesn't really matter anymore. Like, "Oh, didn't they cheat on their ex?" or "Did you know they used to mess around with everyone's partners behind their backs?" Just enough to make my friend start questioning things.

And honestly? It works. Almost every time.

The Damage

I've broken up at least three serious relationships in our group. One couple was literally talking about getting engaged. I feel like I should have a trophy or something. A "Most Likely to Destroy a Relationship" award.

But the thing is, I don't even feel good about it. I get this rush when it happens, this weird sense of satisfaction, but then the guilt hits. And it hits hard. I watch my friends cry over breakups, and I know it's my fault. I'm the reason they're hurting. But they have no idea. They just think their partner was trash or that they weren't compatible.

Why I Do It

I don't really know why I do it. I guess part of me just wants everyone to be as miserable and single as I am. It's selfish. It's ugly. And I hate that I can't stop myself.

I think there's something about seeing my friends happy with someone else that makes me feel more alone. Like they're moving forward, and I'm just stuck in the same place. I know that's a me problem, but instead of dealing with it, I take it out on them.

What I Think About It

I know I'm a bad person for doing this. I know it's wrong. But knowing doesn't stop me. It's like an urge I can't control. I see a new partner, and I just start digging. It's like a reflex.

The worst part is, they trust me. They come to me for advice. They think I'm looking out for them. And I'm really just looking for ways to tear them down.

What I Should Do

I need to stop. I know that. But it's easier said than done. It's not like there's a switch I can flip.

I think I need to talk to someone. A therapist, maybe. Someone who can help me figure out why I'm so desperate to sabotage my own friends' happiness. Because this isn't about them. It's about me. It's about my own loneliness, my own insecurities, my own fear of being left behind.

And I need to stop lying to myself. I'm not protecting them. I'm not helping them. I'm hurting them. And if I don't stop, I'm going to lose all of them.

I'm not a monster. At least, I don't want to be. I'm just someone who's hurting and making other people hurt too. And that sucks. It sucks for them, and it sucks for me.

I don't know if I can undo the damage I've done. But I can try to stop doing more. One relationship at a time. Starting with my own with them.