If I was honest

Journal entry 472:

I need to write my lover a text. A text he will never receive. It's like one of those letters that you write to someone that you burn afterward because, really, it's not for them. It's for you, and your heart. My heart is devastated, and I don't know if I really do love him, but I just can't seem to stay away. I'm hoping if I do this for myself, it will help me close the book on this chapter that I have apparently left wide open in my soul.

Here goes nothing:

"So I need to lay something heavy on you. It about my deep dark secret. Do you have room for that today? To be honest, I barely have capacity to talk about it, but I have to tell someone.

I just have some thoughts to get off my chest.

Please let me get this all out before (if) you respond. I will let you know when I've got it all down.

So, ever since you talked to me that long time ago, I've obviously been very attracted to you. We went on a date and I got to know you a little more through texts, and I developed this connection to you, one that I have yet to find with anyone else. You are so mesmerizing to me, and I can't explain it. You have become a measure to which every man I've been with has been measured. And in my opinion, none have even come close. I know you're not a perfect human, and that everyone has their faults but I think that you do everything in your life to achieve the highest level of happiness and you rise to the challenges that life gives you and its just fucking incredible.

I'm realizing that it's actually painful to connect with you again because I know you don't have those feelings for me. Actually, I have no idea how you feel or if you do. I also realize that these cute sexy things that we say to each other have way more of an effect on me than I remember. In understanding myself, I cannot do this casual thing we are currently doing. I'm not suggesting anything more as that would be unreasonable considering the circumstances. I have no expectations from this and I mentally prepared myself to expect complete rejection. I'm tough, I know I can take it.

In a suggestion of what to say to me if this is too much for you:

Tell me that you don't feel that way and that we shouldn't talk anymore.

Please just tell me I need to move on because if it is up to just me, I would pine over you forever. It sounds pathetic and I'm sure it is. But fuck it, it's just how I feel.

That is it. That is me bearing my soul. That is my deep, dark secret that I have been harboring ever since we first connected. Feel free to not respond if you think this is too much for you, I completely understand. This must seem like it's coming out of nowhere, I just have to be honest with you, as i realize I'm not often vulnerable like this to you.

Thank you for reading."

I'll end it with his name, because I have to use it one last time. To close everything with this man, and to move forward with another.

There is a man waiting at the end of an aisle for, I hope this won't hurt him too badly. I would hate to ruin the wedding.