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I Was Raised to be a Serial Killer

It's true--my life experience and history has prepared me well

By Catherine KenwellPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
Top Story - May 2022
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I Was Raised to be a Serial Killer
Photo by Florian Olivo on Unsplash

I was raised to be a serial killer.

It’s true—my life experience and my history has prepared me well for becoming a serial killer.

Goodness knows, I’ve watched enough Netflix serial killer documentaries and CSI episodes that my chances of getting away with it have been honed over the years.

But I have something even better than that—I have had several brain injuries, and I grew up with a mentally ill, narcissistic mother. Seriously, those are two significant indicators in the lives of serial killers. Look at Edmund Kemper, Richard Ramirez, Henry Lee Lucas, and John Wayne Gacy, for a start. Oh yeah, they were all bonked in the head, more than once, beginning in their childhoods, resulting in brain abnormalities. And they had, shall we say, problematic relationships with their mothers. I’ll tease that part out shortly.

Me, I’ve had four brain bumps (traumatic brain injuries) plus a bout of meningitis, which is an acquired brain injury. And my mom, well, she lived through a lot of psychosis, and as a result, our relationship was often strained. She was critical, distant, and cruel, all as a result of her mental illness.

There is compelling evidence that lesions (a fancy name for abnormal brain tissue) in certain areas of the brain can lead to what is termed acquired sociopathy. It suggests that damage to the prefrontal cortex, which oversees our ‘executive function’ (e.g., moral decision-making, reasoning, and self-control) has been shown to be associated with criminal behavior.

Damage to my brain’s prefrontal cortex resulted in drastic behavioral changes, especially after my 2011 accident. To admit that my moral judgment was impaired for a couple of years is more than a little embarrassing, but I can tell you that I really had to fight with my impulses to be the kind, decent human I knew I was. I was easily triggered, aggressive, paranoid, and prone to rage or tears. I overreacted. I snapped. I was suicidal. And I was so well-versed in keeping most people from knowing how bad it was, that to the untrained eye, I continued to function exceedingly well in my public roles.

Now, there are other neurodevelopmental and psychosocial stressors at play in the development of a serial killer. One study of serial killers and mass murders suggests that they have a high instance of brain injury/damage and/or autism spectrum disorder (ASD), and when the two coexist, the percentage of psychosocial stressors leading to aggressive and criminal behavior becomes disproportionately high (all references and sources at end).

Of course, not everyone who has brain injuries, is somewhere on the ASD, and had a strained relationship with their maternal parent becomes a serial killer. Imagine if that were the case—I bet we all know someone who has grown up in that emotional cocktail mix. It would be like a zombie apocolypse, only with serial killers! And keep in mind, I’m neither suggesting that I am a serial killer, nor am I suggesting that I’m thinking of going on a spree.

Being an aware-enough Buddhist, I subscribe to the Buddhist concept of ahimsa—the ethical principle of not causing harm to other living beings. After my worst injury, I struggled to remind myself that self-care is an integral part of ahimsa, and self-harm goes against it. For decades, I struggled with self-harm; I used to rationalize it by thinking I was only hurting myself (and therefore, it didn’t matter). Happily, and through much practice, I learned to care for myself (although self-care is sometimes a struggle, as it is for many!).

My brain injuries have taught me a great deal, but they didn't turn me into a serial killer.

Then there’s that bit about serial killers and their mothers. The fictional Norman Bates might come to mind, but did you know that Bates was based on a real-life serial killer? Yup, that would be Ed Gein. Gein also had an oppressive mother, he’d built a shrine to her, and dressed in her clothing. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Ed Kemper’s mother was overbearing and cruel to him when he was a child. It was suggested that she may have suffered from borderline personality disorder, but Ed only knew her as the woman who ridiculed and locked him up for extended periods. After murdering six college students, he murdered her too.

Hollywood movies like Psycho and decades later, Silence of the Lambs and Netflix’s Mindhunter lead us to believe there may be a remarkable thread connecting serial killers and their overpowering, narcissistic, cruel mothers. But I think we need to look at this with a bit of skepticism. Here’s why:

The serial killers I’ve mentioned were all captured alive; that is, they were able to shape and share their versions of events—their upbringing, their abuse, their laying of blame. The Eds (Gein and Kemper), Henry Lee Lucas, even Charlie Manson built their narratives into folklore. Each one pointed to their mothers—one gave birth to a killer at 16, another was an alcoholic and drug addict, yet another abused not only her children but her husband as well—and their maternal upbringing as being to blame.

While some serial killers never knew their fathers and others reported violent or abusive ones, almost all tell stories of maternal abuse or unusual relationships with their mothers. It’s easy for curious laypeople to get pulled into titillating, exaggerated tales told by sociopaths and their Hollywood enablers. Everyone wants the sordid details, even if they are only speculation or half-truths.

On the other hand, brain injuries, lesions, and autism spectrum disorder as potential precursors to violence and serial killers can be studied and proven. It’s science. Injury or trauma to the frontal lobe/prefrontal cortex can be measured and correlated against instances of violence and serial killing.

The concept of bad/evil mothers who create violent male killers, conversely, is a bit of a trope—a recognizable theme or plot advancement—that we anticipate, because we’ve heard it so many times before. So is it real, or part of an anecdotal folklore? My mother was prone to mental illness and psychosis, and she was cruel to me at times, I don’t believe for a moment that my upbringing created the potential for my becoming a serial killer. While so many blame their mothers, there is so very much more at play.

So yeah, (tongue firmly in cheek), I suppose I could be a serial killer—I clearly have some predisposition—but of course, I’m not. Simply put, when I read about the correlation between brain injuries and serial killers, my curiosity was piqued. And the prevalence of narcissistic, mentally ill mothers in so many serial killers’ histories? Oh my goodness, get me some popcorn, this story is about to get ‘real good’. Of course it is, because it sounds like a movie.

But you know, I’m not charming, so I wouldn’t make it as a Ted Bundy type (whose brain was found to be normal at autopsy, FYI). I couldn’t coerce victims into dangerous situations. I’m no Pied Piper. I’m not a convincing liar, either, although for years I fooled everyone into thinking I had it all together. But lying? Nope, I’d have a neon ‘GUILTY’ sign on my forehead. There’s no way I could get away with stealing or fraud, even if I tried.

Strangely, my brain injuries (and subsequent therapies) helped me to become more kind, compassionate, and forgiving. I received the help I needed, and I tried to surround myself with people who cared about me. I was—and am—incredibly fortunate.

In addition to all that, I’m a little squeamish. I can’t kill anything—not even a rat or a snake—unless it’s in self-defense. The only creatures I swat are wasps and hornets, and that’s only because I’m anaphylactic and allergic to them and they’ll kill me if I don’t kill them first. Oh. Last summer, I had to kill hundreds of them when they found a way from a nest into our living room and became trapped inside our house. I did apologize to every one of them beforehand. Yikes…is there such a thing as a mindful serial killer?

Sources:

https://www.pnas.org/doi/full/10.1073/pnas.1706587115

Aggression and Violent Behavior, Elsevier Volume 19, Issue 3, pages 288-301

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/17416590211031282

Secrets
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About the Creator

Catherine Kenwell

I live with a broken brain and PTSD--but that doesn't stop me! I'm an author, artist, and qualified mediator who loves life's detours.

I co-authored NOT CANCELLED: Canadian Kindness in the Face of COVID-19. I also publish horror stories.

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  • T. A. Smith2 years ago

    Welcome to the sisterhood of the everpresent, traveling, unraveling angst. I know several extremely accomplished women whose achievements are even more extraordinary and impressive to those who share membership in that secret sisterhood.

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