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I wanted to type after watching The French Dispatch

This has nothing to do with the film

By R PPublished 2 years ago 2 min read
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The whole movie was about writing and I couldn't resist. This is the first time properly using the expensive keyboard I reluctantly bought. Now I'm glad I did. Its loud clanging gives an warm, albeit artificial, nostalgic feel.

I was thinking on the car ride home how I was frustrated with empathic effeminate self. It is who I am and I wouldn't consider it a flaw generally. Just now. It usually serves me as a badge of rebellion. I am a heterosexual man that comfortably uses these traits to defy toxic masculinity while still holding a sense of strength and frame.

It's overbearing now. The last couple of days have been rough as I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be with my girlfriend of 3 years. It feels like it needs to be broken off, despite me still being very much in love with her. I've noticed incompatibilities that we have are really driving us apart. I was certain of this when she left before the new years eve countdown and all the past worries became concrete. While not ideal and immensely frightening, it was still concrete.

Two days later, Today, this changed. I met with her and her cousin [that is visiting the town for a couple of days]. The weather was pristine as the sky and my girl bloomed in her sunflower radiance. The warm smile and cheery demeanor. The beautiful shape of her body and the beautiful mannerisms. It was unfathomably lavish. The cherry on the cake was the overflowing love and affection she still has for me. It was defeating. I enjoyed every moment.

I thoroughly enjoyed the day with her and it reminded me of how it used to be between us. Everything that happened and was impulsive and panned out in it's pristine fashion. Watching the movie with her reminded me of all that we are compatible on and the joy the relationship has brought me.

She wasn't aloof and she knew there is a distance between us; that I was off. I told her I will talk about it later with her, as she is with her family and I didn't want to spoil their time together. I believe I haven't, though I cannot be sure.

Now I am unsure what comes next. Do I go through with what is reasonably a right thing to do? Despite the love we have, are we too determined on different paths? I know she wants her life to be shared with mine and I could give in to this very easily. She is an extraordinary woman.

A lot of this will be finalized when we do meet up next to talk. This will plague my mind till then and I will be aloof with the rest of the world in the days leading to it.

We will have to find out.

Dating
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R P

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