I Think I'm Psycho

My family, and people in general, often ask me to explain how my anxiety works. Most of the time, I can't figure out how to put it into words. Over and over I try to think of things that I can relate to that they can understand. Do I equate it to peer pressure? Do I equate it to stage fright? The list goes on and on.

I often just default to saying it's overwhelming.

Yet here I am mid panic attack, at 12:24 am, feeling more than just overwhelmed.

So, unadulterated, here is my mind.

I want to write. I feel this compulsion to just write. I also think I need to contact my boyfriend, make sure he's home safe from work. The temperature isn't quite right so I need to turn up the fan. I feel kind of icky so maybe I should take a shower. Why am I breathing so shallowly? Does this warrant taking my emergency medication? I should just take it. But what if I become dependent on it? It's there to help you, Alex. I need to keep checking my email, make sure I don't miss out on that tutoring job. There's so much I need to do. Should I reach out to my college friends again? I had fun talking with them on Zoom, but I'm worried that I bothered them too much. I also need to plan a day to get my reading glasses. Do I have my other therapy sessions scheduled? Did I take all my medication this morning? I can't stop clenching my fists. Try using mindfulness. What mode is my body in, fight or flight? Is it okay for me to sit in these emotions I'm feeling or am I overreacting? My lips are dry I need some Chapstick. Remember to breathe, Alex. Is my phone charged? I need my meditations if I want to sleep later. Check the email one more time, make sure the tutoring company didn't email you back requesting more information. Also don't forget, this is the last year you can be on your parent's insurance. You need to look into changing insurance like, now. I should also sleep, it's really late- like 1:20 am late. Stop making a checklist of what's wrong, just fix it. It's kind of sad that I'm worried about all these stupid little things. I shouldn't even be worried about most of it. Hell did you even save this draft to do anything with it later? Did I reply to everyone in Discord that needed my help? Just take the emergency meds.

I think it's important to note that everything up until this point was written mid panic attack. For a little more background, as far as anxiety goes I have a general anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and agoraphobia. Up until I wrote all those down, I felt like I was running a marathon despite sitting on my laptop. I got sweaty, overheated, and just generally agitated. It was almost as if I had just come in from a run or heavy workout.

Even just re-reading the paragraph back makes me incredibly uncomfortable, itchy almost. Like I need to be doing something.

Honestly, that is the problem sometimes. I worry so much about any little thing that relaxing feels wrong. I feel disturbed by happiness and by quiet.

Something is always wrong, so why am I not doing anything?

That little revelation is both relieving and incredibly disconcerting. It's almost like a paradox the more I think about it. I don't want to be happy, because I'm always worried that something is wrong. However, being worried doesn't make me happy. It's crazy how I logically see how flawed my thinking is, but I have such guttural and awful reactions to it. I honestly feel like I'm really messed up sometimes- how is it I can acknowledge that I'm freaking out over nothing, but can't do anything about it?

It's funny that I even recently told my therapist I'm going to take longer to respond to some of her questionings because I noticed I was replying with what I thought my therapist wanted to hear. Like, imagine hiring a therapist and then responding the way you think "normal" people should reply. As if anyone was normal in the first place. It's not like it's their job or anything to help with these exact things.

All in all, I exhaust myself so easily.

Existing in my head is sometimes awful. So, I guess I've just come to admire the days I see sunlight- the days I can get out of bed and tutor. I've begun to see the worth in myself and cherishing the little things.

I can do this.