I never wanted a regular life

Today I opened my Instagram feed, and I saw a post that read as follows

There is literally no rule that says you have to get married & start a family.

How I wish someone had told me this at 19.

I have a confession. I never wanted a regular life. I never wanted to be the domesticated housewife with no career aspirations, and crying children clinging to my leg. And yet here I am, in my late 20s, I am a mother and a wife, and only this year did I make the transition from being a stay-at home mom to working and pursuing a career. And these days I am drowning in regret for the life choices I made.

Your 20s is a time of self-discovery, where we develop our identity, where we find our place in this vast world. My 20s was a time of trying to make sense of my toxic marriage, and struggling with overwhelming task of motherhood. Only now in my late 20s I have started taking the time to discover myself, and be "selfish," because I truly could not take it anymore.

As a child and adolescent. I dreamed of stardom, of being an actress. I wanted to be an artist, a creator. I wanted to dance. Although I did well academically, academics never called to me. I was a dreamer, hypnotized by the glitz and glam of celebrity. I never wanted a life of white picket fences and children. In fact, I detested babysitting, and never wanted children of my own. And I knew I wanted to be my own boss.

But I thought I was broken, because all my friends loved children, they were not seduced by celebrity or stardom, they wanted to work the 9-5, get married and have a house in the suburbs. And my parents quickly made it clear that those dreams were unrealistic. They were practical people, my father was an MD and my mother was working hard at her 9-5 as a sonographer. Besides, dance and artistry were not in line with the Orthodox Jewish life. A life I secretly didn't want, but it was forced upon me.

My childhood was an unholy marriage of controlling parents, religious extremism, identity issues from being mixed race and religion, and coping with a severely angry and depressed single mother. Needless to say I was never given the time or space to truly "be myself." I felt like I always had to hide who I was, and often I hated who I was so deeply. I always felt like an outsider, being the only Asian in an all Jewish religious school, and with divorced parents on top of that. My interests were never encouraged, and my parents expected me to be a certain way. "Modest," straight A student," "respectful daughter," " Orthodox Jew." I left my parents house feeling utterly empty, with a deep abyss of self loathing. No one hated me more than I hated myself. And I was desperate for love and acceptance, for a man to sweep me off my feet.

And so at 19 when I met a man who was obsessed with me, who promised me a better life, I threw out all my dreams and aspirations, to be a wife. I soon discovered, the promise of a better life was empty, and now I was stuck in the position of constantly bolstering the fragile ego of a partner, with the needs of an endless blackhole. It was a relationship of toxic co-dependency, control, subtle manipulation, and it was all consuming. On top of that, I was now stuck in a religious community that I felt little connection to. And 9 years late I found myself with 2 kids.

I tried to write and journal, my way of coping with the confusion and darkness, but he felt threatened by my writing. He would read my journals and bully me for what I had written. My thoughts and my secrets exposed. a violation of my soul. I never had a moment to breath.

But now I have decided, I have had enough. I am leaving the marriage. I am no longer accepting societal and communal limitations. I am no longer painfully afraid of public opinion. I will create the life that I want.

To be honest, I am not really sure what the purpose of this article is. I began to write and it turned into a beast of its own. A journal entry or confession of sorts. But here I am now, dipping my toes into content creation. Embracing myself, expressing my thoughts. Breaking out of the prison of my mind, letting my soul free. It's cathartic to say the least.

If I could go back and give my 19 year old self advice it would be this: do not live your life by the rules of others. Make the rules yourself and be the lucid dreamer, in this dream called reality.