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I miss him.

Mercury Retrograde is upon us

By ChantelPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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I miss him.
Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

I missed him today. He was in my dreams and again it was kind of nostalgic just cause I was so comfortable with him.

I'm tempted to check the tarot cards to see how he has been feeling about me too- because we haven't communicated to each other in a week. Feels like much longer because when we did communicate it was merely a snapchat or two.

I've realized I can be classified as a narcissist. Which is a bit unnerving yet not totally surprising. I don't know what I want out of life.

I don't know if I'm in the rat race or what. Do I want children in the future? How would that be possible? How can I do any of these things without money?

My mind is constantly torn between making more money and finding ways to entertain my ordinary life.

I've gotten so many jobs this quarantine.

I've worked at a -

drug store

gym

used car place

selling cabinets at big retailers

selling phones for a major retailer

working remotely doing outreach

waitressing at a country club

farmers market

house cleaner

staff at a graduation

research study participant

and now a nanny.

During the quarantine, I had also tried some failed side hustles

-selling feet pictures

-starting a youtube

-a financial podcast

-trying to be a sugar baby

-selling old clothing

-selling coaching sessions

My love life before quarantine

I was with my lover in Mexico, really happy about being in a relationship of growth from a language and culture perspective.

Then that was stripped away and I fell for a white boy at the drugstore, who was indeed very sweet and broken.

When he moved, I still hadn't been able to find anyone to replace the love I've had for him.

I continue to watch Netflix, busy myself with side-hustles, occasional dates, and friend dates.

Thank god for my friends. My closest friends are narcissists, but the ones I've met this year are kind. They balance me out and love me the way I am.

I've come to realize that I like men with pets. They tend to be more loving and responsible. And for some reason I keep meeting taurus men.

I like gentle touches on my back, or a hand on my thigh... I just don't like forced touches.

Does he miss me too? The thing is we could have worked if I chose to leave and spend money to be with him- but I chose to not do that. I could have but I didn't feel financially stable enough to do that.

Or maybe I'm just making excuses from being non-committal all of my life.

I miss coming home to someone at night. But I like having my alone time as well. I miss the old dynamic we used to have. But at the same time I would not be trying all of these new side gigs or dates if I had him still here as my safety blanket. Maybe I would've gotten bored of him.

That has always been my fear. Reaching a state of boredom where I no longer desire to be in a relationship with them.

Is that why people spice things up with pets, children, and vacations?

It would be nice to be with a man who still enjoys meeting new people like friends in new areas- or would I not like that? I don't have any clue about what I actually desire in all honesty.

I still feel like I'm chasing money all the time to prepare for the future-- like I won't be satisfied until I reach 100,000 then a million, then 2 million- it never seems like it will stop.

I just want to cuddle and grow with someone at times. But at the same time thinking about having someone around all the time makes me feel sick- yet comforting- and sick again.

I am wishy washy. I can't decide what I want ever. It sucks.

That's my life update for today.

Dating
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About the Creator

Chantel

I range from social justice issues to sexuality articles, all depends on my mood.

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