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I'll Take It Off One Day

I hope so

By Sofia FatimaPublished 2 years ago 7 min read
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I'll Take It Off One Day
Photo by Julio Rionaldo on Unsplash

Day 493

May 12, 2022

A time comes when we've spoken so many lies that they become other's truths. And I know that's how it is with me and the world, but why is it with me and you? I dream of my future, living in my apartment, you come to visit with dad, and we smile and laugh and talk. Actually, talk. A life where you get me, know me, my capabilities and you finally see who your daughter really is.

I've told you my story long ago, but you don't understand its severity, it's why you have a hard time accepting that I am grown, even if I may be young. When I tell you where I've come from, you blame me for not telling you while I was going through it, but hell I didn't even know what was happening to me. And when I speak my truths, you say I'm causing you pain. It really is true, you only see what you've been shown, and I've never shown you me, it's because ME doesn't thrive here, she's only hurt.

All I've ever done is hide. The finished ice cream, the broken lipstick, my first crush, and then secrets, things at school, wearing one thing in front of you and then another when you're not there. It's as if even 10-year-old me knew I couldn't ever be honest with you and as I grew, it just became a part of me. Hiding was natural, telling you things wasn't, and it still isn't. It's why I can't ever be honest to anyone, about my emotions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I've hidden for so long that I've forgotten how to show.

7th grade killed me, SHE killed me, and she knew it. It was more than just racism and biases, it was a planned murder. Taking advantage of a child, who was already being discriminated against by her peers, who was becoming emotionally unstable, and socially outcast, she knew my capabilities long before I could see them, but unlike all my previous teachers, she never let them out. Instead, she used what she knew were my vulnerabilities to destroy me. Literally, destroy ME. It was worse than just losing identity: beliefs, religion, culture, it was losing personality, the bare essence that made me who I am, that's what she stole. For 2 years, I was gone. What once used to be an outgoing, bright, cheerful girl turned into someone so self-conscious, shunned, and a people pleaser. All I wanted was to be accepted and loved.

And so I started changing, and our relationship worsened. We were never on the same page, with clothes, behaviour, and habits. I became more and more stubborn, and just even more distant from you and the rest of the family. I despised staying home, I was never "myself", but at school, I was free. I didn't have to worry about you and dad's constant picking. I could actually live my own life and make my own decisions. I know I was immature and my decisions weren't smart, but it was because the outside world treated me differently and I was so tired of being discriminated against. You doing your jobs as parents didn't feel like love to me, it just felt like you were controlling me and the past me hated you for it.

After the pandemic hit, I was like a drug addict who hadn't been high in months, I was kind of insane. Finding ways out of the house to get away from the control I was under by you. Months had passed and when school rolled around, we were finally let in person, but it wasn't the same. The problem now wasn't that I was discriminated against or needed to please people, I was just alone. Woke up alone, walked to school alone, sat all throughout class alone just like everyone else, and walked home alone with zero interactions with anybody. What once used to be my escape turned into a place I couldn't even recognize. And so I fell into chronic loneliness, I had breakdowns on a daily basis, and seeing how happy both my other siblings were didn't make matters better. I wanted to be a kid and all of a sudden I felt like my entire future was dependent on my time right then and I wasn't ready.

I was like that for 2 weeks, the longest most dreadful, and empty 14 days of my life, until I finally cracked out of it. That next morning I woke, and it was like I was finally at peace, it was the first morning in what felt like forever that I felt I could finally just start living. And the 2 months after it was me making amends with my current life situation, and things got better, not between us, between myself and I. I discovered self-growth and psychology. November 9th, 2020. That was Day one. The first day of a journey I didn't even know I was embarking on. One that would change me and my life forever.

I learned my life is in my hands, the world we see is dependent on the lenses we've put on, and if any good or bad happens, it's for a reason. I became obsessed with reading, TED Talks, productivity, meditation, and journaling. With all the silence of the world, I was finally able to look at myself in a way I never could. And though I was alone, I isolated myself even more. I was raw, in the process of healing, the slightest bit of change tipped me off and it wasn't great. That's why journaling was my escape, I could finally let everything out without being judged. I didn't have to hide there.

Throughout the next year, I became a student of life. Constantly learning, growing, and excelling. And a time came that you did see the change in me, and you started giving me liberty in making my own decisions. And it was great getting to live my own life until you started calling me selfish for caring about myself so much. Can you blame me? I was the only one there for me, who was lifting me up, who was helping me through my sorrow, am I not allowed to be the slightest bit defensive of myself? But even with this, I was happy, my life was great and I was more than ever grateful. Our time was great, my name's meaning finally came into play and the wisdom helped me understand you, and though we weren't close deeply, our relationship was better, a whole lot better.

I'm at a stage right now where you won't be able to comprehend. And I don't blame you or hate you for it, if anything you are a big part of why I am who I am today. You may have not gotten me, but I now get you, and your upbringing may have not been perfect because whose is, but I understand what you've been teaching me all along. Time teaches us a lot and changes a lot of things and I hope one day our relationship becomes real.

Mom, you're amazing, and I love you. There are days where I don't get you and some of your beliefs and ways don't add up, but I know you mean well, I see it. How you make meals for me every day, teach me about my culture, religion, and heritage, and help me become my own person. You may be strict, and may not show your emotions, but I know the truth, you're just like me because you're alone too. You also hide and let the bombs explode inside of you, keeping the pain within, and fighting your internal wars. But I promise it'll end, if only you open up to me because then I can be the person for you that was missing in my life, the shoulder to lean on.

7:17 pm

Teenage years
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About the Creator

Sofia Fatima

I am a wild teenage girl with dreams and aspirations who wants to share her story and ideas with the world. From the realms of self-growth to controversial topics of humanity, I strive to challenge norms and set new ideals.

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