I hung up on my therapist

I hung up on my therapist this morning. He hit a nerve when he told me it might be helpful to try to treat people like kids in the way of giving them the benefit of the doubt that they don’t know any better and then try to set the example. It was a hard thing to hear. Especially when I was talking about my mother.

I don’t want to see her as a child. I want her to see me as a child. I want her to give me the benefit of the doubt. I want her to be patient with me and understand me. I want it not to be all about her and I want to be the kid.

I’ll admit, she has gotten better. Over the past few months she has put in a lot more effort than she has in years. It has meant a lot to me but it a lot brought in some expectations I guess. When I saw her doing better I just assumed I could be the kid in the relationship again but I am not a kid anymore. Yes, sometimes I still feel like a kid. But I’m a smart kid with OCPD. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a personality disorder. It’s not OCD!!

Everyone gets it confused but OCD is characterized by unreasonable impulses and obsessions over usually minor very particular things. OCPD is engrained in my personality, not an anxiety disorder. Not to say I don’t experience plenty of anxiety… lol. OCPD is the unreasonable obsession with being perfect. I also have unreasonable expectations for my family, and friends. I struggle a lot in relationships because of it. I beat myself up so hard when I do something wrong that I’ll isolate myself and push everyone away because I feel like no one would accept me. But really…it’s me that can’t accept myself.

Then, I end up hating myself even more for pushing everyone away. I hate myself for lashing out and hurting the people who are trying to help me.

I’ve noticed I have always had the tendency of blocking people when I’m hurt, and yes I mean on my phone. I have such a short fuse that I have actually blocked someone for not answering me fast enough. What does that even do?

Now I’m just left missing talking to them when they are just living their life. Not to mention leaving them confused without explaination or any chance of closure.

The only people who have managed to stay in my life are the ones who push their way back in. I can’t expect that from everyone. I am lucky to have even had the people that I have. I don’t know how they put up with me, honestly.

I don’t know how my dad always sees the best in me. He sees through my hard exterior and loves me all the same. I am so blessed to have him. I am blessed to have my mom too. She has so many amazing qualities, but I got my hot headed nature from her.

I want to be able to forgive her for all the pain she causes, for her consistency in hurting me. How do I do it?

I know that keeping in mind the love of Jesus is what will save me. I know I need to love others the way he loves me. I know I need to be patient with her. I was given wisdom and it is painful to know the things I do. But it also makes me more responsible to lead the way. It pains me to know she usually isn’t thinking things through. But knowing that can help me to be more understanding of the mistakes she makes. It will allow me to talk to her with patience and love. That is what I need. I need Jesus.